Things Not Looking Good For Me
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Things Not Looking Good For Me
| Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:08am |
After Sheila and I talked about what Cat and ~S~ Have been going through I said, well at least cat has good intuition. I guess mine has been off for three years. Which is how long we have not had sex, Sheila and I. I told her I will ask her one more time what is wrong and this time I expect the truth too.
She kept twisting and pulling her ring off and finally admitted she has not been physically attracted to me since I have been putting on weight. The most of it in the last 2 years.
She swears she is still in love with me and there is no room in her heart for anyone else.
So, this afternoon we go to my doctor's appt. and find out I have a large tumor on my thyroid and a large lymph tissue growing around my neck. (I have thought it was just fat from gaining weight. My thyroid is very low to nothing. The tumor must have been growing a long time and not detected because it is hard to detect while it is behind bone and tissue.
My blood sugar is way out of control possibly due to the thyroid. This is probably why I am so tired and have gained and cannot seem to lose weight.
Half of me was relieved to hear it and for Sheila to hear that I am not just a fat, lazy person.
I also have been running a low fever between 99.5 and 100 degrees for months. I am also very dehydrated.
I have to go back for a biopsy of course.
So finally after 3 years of feeling like I am a no good ugly person, I have some answers, all in one day. And not the answers I wanted to hear, but answers that can possibly fix the misery I have been living with for the past three years. Feeling sick, emotional, unwanted and unattractive and just so miserable. I am very happy to have finally found some answers.
I can only hope Sheila will be able to be attracted to me again someday. She told me that a woman she works with lost 50 pounds after going on thyroid meds and hopes I will get to go on them.
Very comforting. I am hoping the biopsy is going to be fine for the lymph thing and the thyroid. I know most biopsies do come back benign and I will try to keep a positive attitude about it.
We still do love each other very much. We plan to work on this. I hope this will be the answer to my weight gain. I have been blaming my drugs.
Cat, please call, I am not sure that the tape recorder is a good idea. I know I gave you the idea and I do not want you to wreck anymore trust between the two of you. Hey at least you learned how to fix the recorder and use it for recording your feelings.
But wow! Where there is a will there is a way, you were so determined and fixed the darn thing!
Very bizzar for her to make up a story like that if indeed she did make it up. I think she wants to stay with you or she would tell you she is not sure what she wants.
Please understand I am not justifying these affairs of the heart. I just know they do not always have to mean the end of a relationship or that a person fall out of love with their partner.
Odd that both of our relationship started at the same time 8 years ago and having the same trouble now. I hope both of our relationships can withstand this turn they have taken.
I hope that someone who has been in a longer relationship can tell us of their experience.
I like to hear success stories and I hope that cat you and I will be a success story too.
I hope spy night goes well and gives you nothing to worry about. Please do not get caugt with the tape. I am thinking it is a bad idea.
I wish I was a better person. I wish I could take all the bad and wrong things I have done back. Not sure I can ever make up for them, but I will die trying and hopefully not to soon. lol.
She kept twisting and pulling her ring off and finally admitted she has not been physically attracted to me since I have been putting on weight. The most of it in the last 2 years.
She swears she is still in love with me and there is no room in her heart for anyone else.
So, this afternoon we go to my doctor's appt. and find out I have a large tumor on my thyroid and a large lymph tissue growing around my neck. (I have thought it was just fat from gaining weight. My thyroid is very low to nothing. The tumor must have been growing a long time and not detected because it is hard to detect while it is behind bone and tissue.
My blood sugar is way out of control possibly due to the thyroid. This is probably why I am so tired and have gained and cannot seem to lose weight.
Half of me was relieved to hear it and for Sheila to hear that I am not just a fat, lazy person.
I also have been running a low fever between 99.5 and 100 degrees for months. I am also very dehydrated.
I have to go back for a biopsy of course.
So finally after 3 years of feeling like I am a no good ugly person, I have some answers, all in one day. And not the answers I wanted to hear, but answers that can possibly fix the misery I have been living with for the past three years. Feeling sick, emotional, unwanted and unattractive and just so miserable. I am very happy to have finally found some answers.
I can only hope Sheila will be able to be attracted to me again someday. She told me that a woman she works with lost 50 pounds after going on thyroid meds and hopes I will get to go on them.
Very comforting. I am hoping the biopsy is going to be fine for the lymph thing and the thyroid. I know most biopsies do come back benign and I will try to keep a positive attitude about it.
We still do love each other very much. We plan to work on this. I hope this will be the answer to my weight gain. I have been blaming my drugs.
Cat, please call, I am not sure that the tape recorder is a good idea. I know I gave you the idea and I do not want you to wreck anymore trust between the two of you. Hey at least you learned how to fix the recorder and use it for recording your feelings.
But wow! Where there is a will there is a way, you were so determined and fixed the darn thing!
Very bizzar for her to make up a story like that if indeed she did make it up. I think she wants to stay with you or she would tell you she is not sure what she wants.
Please understand I am not justifying these affairs of the heart. I just know they do not always have to mean the end of a relationship or that a person fall out of love with their partner.
Odd that both of our relationship started at the same time 8 years ago and having the same trouble now. I hope both of our relationships can withstand this turn they have taken.
I hope that someone who has been in a longer relationship can tell us of their experience.
I like to hear success stories and I hope that cat you and I will be a success story too.
I hope spy night goes well and gives you nothing to worry about. Please do not get caugt with the tape. I am thinking it is a bad idea.
I wish I was a better person. I wish I could take all the bad and wrong things I have done back. Not sure I can ever make up for them, but I will die trying and hopefully not to soon. lol.
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
Email- didoangst@comcast.net
http://didoangst.blogspot.com/
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
Email- didoangst@comcast.net
http://didoangst.blogspot.com/
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html

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Thank you for your post. And yes, everyone reassures me that they are usually benign. I hope so.
But I know how you feel.
I do hope we see you around here often.
How did you find us?
Maybe I better check around the board to see if you introduced yourself elsewhere.
Please check out the Welcome Wagon under our Intro's and Announcements folder.
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
Email- didoangst@comcast.net
http://didoangst.blogspot.com/
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html
Nice to see you and I can't wait to get to know you better.
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
Email- didoangst@comcast.net
http://didoangst.blogspot.com/
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html
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