what is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
what is it?
4
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 3:59pm
help me to understand something about myself.....maybe.
i loved my ex girlfriend...i enjoyed spending time with her...but
when it came to sex i was never really in the mood after the
first 8mths of our relationship. i blamed it on anti depressants (zoloft)
that i take but i'm not so sure. for me the sex kinda got to be a little
too routeen...same ole thing.....which i think had a lot to do with why
i became uninterested and stopped being turned on. she has a beautiful
body....and when i looked at it i felt lucky to have her (smile)...at any rate
we are not together any longer because she cheated,...and i understood
the need for sex but....she just lied to me soooo bad about the cheating.
but anyway, back to the subject. i couldn't get turned on by her after a while
and so i wasn't giving it up much...she said it had been 6mths since....and that's
probably true...but the thing is...i can think about having sex with another women
that i was attracted to in the past and really get aroused by it (although i never had
sex with her but i was extremely attracted to her)...to the point were i "take care of
business" myself. so i guess i'm confused by why i didnt get that aroused from seeing
my ex and her affection...but i'd get hot in just thinking about someone else. what is it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
In reply to: can_di
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 4:26pm

Hi can-di!. Libido can be a confusing thing sometimes, right? Just because you find someone physically attractive does not always mean you are sexually attracted. You mentioned that there was not much variety, which could definitely be an issue. Also, the cheating thing...perhaps you knew somewhere in your gut that she was not being faithful or honest before her cheating was exposed? That could also be a factor. I know that anti depressants can also kill the mood. I do not know that much about Zoloft to say for sure, but my best friend takes that and she has never brought up any issues regarding her sex drive (and we talk about everything).


I hope you find someone that deserves your trust, someone you are completely compatible with sexually as well. I would not stress to much over it, this woman is not worth

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
In reply to: can_di
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 5:42pm
Well... here goes...
My current g/f and I have not had sex for three years. We have been together for 8 years.
I have gained weight and she is not sexually attracted to me with all this weight now. That I can understand. Routine was never a problem for us.
I have never cheated just to have sex. I did come close for awhile, but I know that we would never be the same. I am going to see what happens when I lose the weight and get back in shape. I am under a DR.'s care now for some health issues and she assures me once these issues have cleared up I will be able to lose this weight.
I promised not to cheat, but I will leave if we never will have this type of intimacy again. I need more in my relationships, otherwise I can just have close friends.
So, we will wait and see if things change for the good or not with us. In the meantime neither of us will be cheating as we do not want to ruin the rest of our relationship. My fear is that she will never get her sexual attraction back for me.
I have made up my mind that I would then have to move on as I could not be happy in this relationship in this way.
My g/f is on this board too by the name "worm".
Hugs,
Laurie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: can_di
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 5:51pm

Though I cant answer all you questions, I can shed some light on the Zoloft one.

 *Hugs ~  Caly

aka  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: can_di
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 11:37pm

I'm no expert, but, I have been with several, not a lot of women and here is my two cents.

My best friend in Ohio is in a relationship where she and her partner have settled into a quaint little routine. They never have sex as both of them feel no need for it and they are happy.

Other relationships I have seen, begin fresh and full of lust and fun and they mistake this for true love and then comes the u-haul. They never really find that (requited) type of love that keeps the attraction going. They become settled and are more like room mates for a time being, until a new love comes along for one of them and it ends.

My one relationship with a man failed and not because I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I was married for 12 years and I loved him dearly from the beginning of our relationship to the end. I never lost my attraction for him and we never had a problem with sex. I still wanted to be intimate with him. His weight fluctuated from very low to extremely obese. I believe at one point he weighed 325 pounds. Mind you I was all of 5'4" and weighed 135 lbs.

Regardless of the weight problem, I was not in a perfect marriage and it took a ton of work to stay in it as long as I did. The biggest thing I couldn't stand was how disrespectful he was to me and his constant lying. Because I loved him, I was in continuous prayer for our marriage, I was stubborn and I refused to give up on it. I kept myself in denial saying that it would get better, that we loved each other. Oh sure he would change for a week or two and then it was back to the same thing. Then he decided that he wanted to start doing drugs. When I found out about the drugs, I told him to "ruin your life on your time, not my time or our children's time"! I didn't trust him being around the kids and I couldn't stand the thought of him becoming unemployed again or taking our cash out of our accounts to support his habit.

In the end, I found that even I didn't have true love for him. If I had, I would have accepted everything about him including his choice to do drugs and I would have been happy!

I have never been in a relationship with a woman, where either one of us lost the physical attraction for the other. My last GF had some weight problems and I loved her dearly. She wasn't happy with herself or the way she treated me and my children. She didn't like who she had become. When she left me, she said it wasn't about me. That is a hard concept to grasp when you lose a partner. How can you not help but to feel like you did something wrong?

I have seen some relationships where two people get together and it's a volatile situation from jump street and you have to wonder what the heck are they doing together!

If anyone has all the answers to keeping a relationship great, they would be rich. I mean is Doctor Ruth in a long term relationship? There is one thing that I will never do again and that is to stay the course when I'm not happy.

The end all to all this, is that I don't think that you had that requited type of love or true love and that's why you lost the attraction. The newness of your relationship went away and you found a sexual attraction with another person because she caught your eye sexually. In other words the u-haul came too quickly before you developed this type of love for partner. If requited love is the wrong term I'm looking for then please someone let me know? I don't have a thesaurus or dictionary available to look up the real word I want to use. Brain dead tonight!

I hope this rambling has helped you. I wasn't sure how I wanted to address your issue and give you my two cents, when there has been recent discussions on this board about weight issues, intimacy and losing attractions. I just wanted to share with you my opinion about what you are going through and not others.

hugs
halo




Edited 8/16/2005 11:41 pm ET ET by halo_hvn

hugs

halo