Life according to Ven...
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| Mon, 12-12-2005 - 4:28am |
I have been a bad bad boardie, absent for so long... you all need to spank me for being so neglectful!
Life has kept me busy, with work, kids, a new relationship (i've removed my snorkel and come up for air!!), finances, computer problems and an ex relationship... I think I need a personal assistant to keep myself organised!
I am still seeing the mostly unavailable woman I met online back in September, kind of have a time share arrangement with her male partner (hasten to add here that she hasnt had a sexual relationship with him for some years, he is her best friend, they have a house, cat and car togther...) I understand that situation wouldnt work for a lot of people but its been working for me, for her and for her partner. I like my own space, to do my own thing and not have to answer to anyone else... she comes and stays a couple of nights a week, we have a great time while we are together and then she goes back to her other life. Neither of us expected this to be any more than a brief encounter but it seems that the more we see of each other, the more we want to see. She wants me to meet her family and eventually her partner- actually she wanted me to spend christmas with them but I didnt think that would be very fair. I could totally understand their not being comfortable with having me around and I think Christmas day would be a terrible time to lay it on them! They do of course, know all about me, but the reality isnt likely to set in until they meet me.
Which brings me to christmas which is something I really do NOT enjoy. I cant stand listening to people talking about what they are buying. I cant afford to buy my kids anything, I am not going to get anything and I really dont want to know!!! I cant compete with the commercial aspect, have no interest in the religious aspect and have absolutely no desire to participate in the family aspect, so really, what is the point?
Dont worry, I am not going to ruin it for my kids. I am sending them down to spend a week with their grandfather.
Hmmm what to do on Christmas day? well I cant think of anyone I would rather spend the day with than 220 of my closest friends. Yep I offerred to work!
I still see a lot of Nat. It's been really difficult because all through our relationship she told me she is not, never was and never will be an affectionate person but that didnt mean she didnt love me and it wasnt because I was a female blah blah. Well now she has a boyfriend. His redeeming feature seems to be that he has money. He does not believe in sex outside marriage and he does not believe in divorce.. his wife left him. So no sex AND money makes him a good catch. I'm glad she has found someone to make her happy, she insists she does not love him, is not in love with him, he is her boyfriend and that is all. (you are allowed to be confused!)
I am finding it very hard to be replaced so easily, so soon. She has no time for me at all anymore, I hardly have anything to do with the kids even after being their primary caregiver for the best part of 3 years. It seems that everything she said about how important I was to her, to her kids, how she never wanted me to be out of her life even when boyfriend came along because of the special bond we have etc etc, were all lies and pretty darned hurtful ones at that.
She uses the fact I am having sex against me, puts me down, talks to me as though she thinks I am dirty and not worthy of her friendship anymore, then texts me and asks if I mind driving her somewhere because boyfriend cant get time off work.
I guess it doesnt help that I use my bedroom as an adult lounge and last time she was at my house there was a bottle of Probe by the bed and a book called "The Box Lunch" under the pillow... (on loan from my gf)
My poor computer is chugging away on its 1.1ghz cpu- I am off to the big city tomorrow to buy a 2.4ghz job, wasnt easy finding one as socket A cpus have been superseded. Wish me luck!


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I can understand your not feeling up to Christmas etc. You are really going through alot right now emotionally.
Don't even let yourself feel guilty for feeling or not feeling anything right now. Just go with the flow of how you feel and you will get through it all.
I think your ex is needy for a person to have to take care of her and now she has two. You and the money man.
It sounds like you have a nice new girlfriend but you know it is not a permenant thing or might not be for now. It is something you can enjoy right now without the worries of a heavy duty full time relationship and I am happy that you are enjoying it and some free time.
It seems like maybe this is a time for you to grow and do things for you. Meet your needs and not everyone elses. Like not celebrating Christmas etc. Just don't let it make you feel like you are doing anything wrong. You deserve to do things for you Ven. Everyone does. Kids or no kids. You can be happy.
Laurie
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It seems that Nat and her new boyfriend are a match as far as the bedroom is concerend. I still say I wouldn't stay very long or put up with not having sex, with someone that I've been with 2 years. She's moving on with her life, so move on with yours. What she does while you're not there is none of your business. Well, I'll say this even if I did run across one of my ex's, they would try to have sex with me, but I would tell them flat-out, no. But I don't look down on them because they do have sex, and also, that's none of my business what they do or don't do. As long as they leave me alone, everyone is happy, joyous and free. Why would you let your ex-girlfriend come over to your house? I know you may not be used to having someone so devoted to you, but I told you once before, and I'll say it again, it's better that having noone at all.
Sounds like you have the holiday blahs. Did she say that everyone would be totally uncomfortable with you being there? Or, are you just assuming that? Ven, go and meet the people that are in her life. I know being treated like a person that has feelings, and is wanted, it's a hard thing isn't it? I've had a brief encounter turn into a long lasting relationship, that turns off and on. At least you have consistancy. She's giving you your space, so what's the problem?
Edited 12/12/2005 9:02 am ET by igentleheart
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
(((((((Ven)))))))
I'm so happy to hear that, however problematic it may now be, you have someone in your life who really likes you and wants to have sex :o)))
Pieces of My Life
Wow Ven! Sounds like things are finally going your way. I'm glad you've been able to move on and find someone who respects you. I hope it continues to work out the way you want it to.
The holidays can be hard even in the best of circumstances. Take care of yourself and be good to YOU!
Hugs!
You are a loyal and loving person who treats people with caring and respect.
Hi Ven, it's great to see you... major *hugs*
Now about that spanking, do you really think that is a wise offering to make on this board? The line is going to reach out the door. I'll help ya all I can, but...
worlds undone
(((((((Ven))))))) I have to *Smile as I think of the saying.."The more things change the more they seem the same" Something like that, any how.. Knowing this "CAT" I probably got it turned around.. Any how things are changing for you yet there's that ole familar scene also huh?... Course I am sure a lot of us know that road.. Do keep in touch..
*Big ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))) Oh also... I totally understand about your feelings on xmas~I Do..
C >^. A .
Thanks Laurie. I think everything sort of happening at once has made my head spin a little, but things will sort themselves out, as they always do.
My relationship with my new girl might not be a full time thing, but I wouldnt say isn't permanent. It seems to work for everyone involved.
The hardest thing about the situation with Natalie is that she is doing all the things she said she would never do. Either she was never honest with me or she is not being honest with this guy.. she says people grow and change, but she seems to have done more than just change, she has undergone a complete metamorphosis and I have a feeling she is STILL not being true to herself. Its a sad situation for her, but I think its her nature to try and be the person she feels her partner needs rather than be herself. I had hoped that her years with me may have taught her that the real Natalie is not such a bad person, but maybe it will take some time and a couple more failed relationships before that realisation dawns on her.
I am doing something for myself this year, something I havent been able to do for quite a while. My job being more or less in the hospitality sector means that our busiest times are weekends and holidays, my days off are mid-week and those days I have to get kids to school. I have never sent both kids away anywhere for more than a day or two at a time but this time they are both going to be away on my days off and I am going to go out and do grown up things. I might not even sleep in my own bed. I might get drunk for the first time in years. Whatever I end up doing, I intend to make the most of the opportunity!
Hi Gigi, thanks for your reply. It just goes to show that you and I have a completely different outlook on life, the universe and all that...
I dont really expect anyone outside of Nat and I to understand our relationship or the bond we are trying to keep alive since our separation. Nat has been my closest and often only friend for the best part of the last 7 years. Maybe trying a relationship was a mistake but our friendship wasnt.
The problem I have now she is with this guy is that she is not being honest with me. She puts me down because I am having sex. She says at least "we" are not having sex in such a pious manner, but I am confused about this. Yesterday she asked me for a favour. She says she wants to start shaving her pubic area. This is something I have always done but she always said no no no, no way, never!!! So suddenly she decides this is what she wants and asks me would I do it (shave her). She said it was for her surgery originally, now she says it is so she can wear a swimsuit after her surgery.... but she doesnt see the surgeon until January.... soooo why else would she suddenly want to shave?
Maybe she doesnt view oral sex as sex? Maybe her interpretation is that he has to use his penis before its sex.. in which case she can hardly put my girl and I down, can she? Because there is nooooo way - rofl!!!!
I was Natalies childrens primary caregiver for the best part of 3 years. They saw me as their other parent. They are finding the transition to a different "other parent" very confusing and dont see why they cant have both of us in their lives. I am trying to make it easier on them.
My girl wanted me to go to her family christmas dinner. It was me who said no. I will definitely meet her family, I just didnt feel that was a tactful occasion for me to do so. We have worked out a compromise where she will spend christmas eve with me and go to her mothers place in the morning when I get up to go to work.
Hi Pam. My new girl is really good to me and its taking me some time to get used to all the attention. I have talked to her and told her sometimes I am finding it overwhelming. I feel bad that she has come along before I have sorted things with Nat to a point where we have a workable and more stable friendship but she is doing her PhD in psychology.. she "understands" lol.
I am happy for Nat that she has found someone although she claims not to love him or not to be having sex with him, even though he sleeps in her bed... I just wish she would be honest with me. I walked in on them all over each other and it was quite a shock considering what she had told me. I tried to explain to her why that was quite a shock and she just said it wont matter what she says to me, I am determined to blame her for our relationship failing and I am determined to think the worst of her.
My new girl is wonderful with my kids and they get along great with her. Maybe its not exactly the situation I had in mind, but in many ways I think its better. I think I am very lucky this time.
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