Advice please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Advice please.
6
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 6:20pm
My first crush was a girl when I was 4 or 5, then I had a "secret" relationship with a girl when I was 13 or so, she ended up moving to america and we broke up. When I was roughly 15 or so, we all used to go in to town and get drunk, alot of my friends would kiss and stuff, but I would never do anything because I know I'd take it as more than a drunken mistake.
Well, a year and a half back I met this girl, who I liked and ended up getting drunk with a lot, nothing happened but kissing I was and still am physically attracted to her. I started entertaining the idea I might be gay or bi at least but then my mum (before she ran off) used to say stuff like “Don’t be gay”, “Please don’t be gay”. So it freaked me out that I might be, and one of my male friends had started paying me a lot of attention. I ended up going out with the boy for two or so days and was mean to this girl because she threatened my sexuality, I think. I did really care for her; still do, though I was very scared. We didn’t talk for a year and a few months, then I saw her on myspace and decided to apologise. Around about that time I left college and my ex had started ignoring me, I realised that I’m always falling for people who are unavailable or who treat me bad. I don’t know why it just makes me eager to please the worse they treat me.
The girl started talking to me for a bit and seemed really happy to talk to me again, said she missed loads and all that. I warned myself not to fall for her because she’s in a committed relationship, yet I knew I would because she’s unavailable and therefore appealing to me.
Around Christmas she started saying stuff like “love u hun” which only made it worse, I think she meant it in the friend sense, but still, it played on my mind. I’ve talked to her about twice in the past two months, she’s ignored my calls and emails, I genuinely think about her everyday I know it sounds sad but we were very close we both had self harm issues, I think she still does and that kills me, I just want to be with her make her happy and to hold her. If she talked to me tomorrow it wouldn’t matter that she ignored me a bit, it would probably make my day.
I’m wondering if this is like or love or if it’s just because I’m quite isolated at the moment and “latch” on to the idea of romantic love with anyone who shows me kindness or love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 9:27pm

First of all, I think you did a really good thing by apologizing to the girl for hurting her in the past. Apologizing can be hard, but people always appreciate it when you do. I think it's great that she has forgiven you and that you are friends again. It is always hard to know whether or not to share the way you feel about someone with them, especially if you aren't sure whether or not they will feel the same way. I think that it is probably safe to say that she considers you a very close friend, so she would probably be cool with it if you were to tell her how you feel about her. I know that this is probably not really making any sense, but I can kind of understand how you are feeling because I tend to give my heart to people really quickly, too. I am already telling my girlfriend that I love her, and we've only been talking for about 4 months. She is coming to visit me in March, and I'm really excited, though. Anyway, if you need a friend to talk to, feel free to e-mail me through my profile. I've had some experience with self-harm issues, too, so I'd be happy to lend an ear about anything you want or need to talk about.

Hope that you are having a great weekend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 7:51am
Yeah the apology was long over due, I kept thinking about her but told myself off, I do feel so lucky that she forgave me, she was very nice about it and apologised in turn for "messing with my head" but I really didn't see it like that, she means so much to me. I can't forgive myself for what I did. When we first started talking she was so happy we talked about what we'd be like when we were older and that we didn't want to grow old and somehow we ended up making a joke "pact" that we'd run off before we got really old. Silly I know but I still think there was something else behind that lol.
It would be great if I could tell her, but I'd hate for her to think I'm messing her around and what not. Lol, it's a nightmare, because I can't tell anyone everyone I know is very derogatory about "gay people", I've heared them like skitting people because of who they are, I just sit there and think "Oh crap."
Lol sounds cool about your gf, and thanks for the advice and everything. Thanks, have a great weekend yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 1:26pm
You're welcome for the advice. I know a lot of people who don't like gay people at my college, too. It's miserable because I can't come out. They would probably try to kick me out of school if I did, and I'm so close to graduating anyway. I've decided just to stay closeted until after I graduate in May. But I wish that I could just be honest about myself and who I am. Plus, it sucks to have to hide my girlfriend from everyone. I really love her, and I'm tired of hiding her like I'm ashamed of her or something. Because I'm definitely not ashamed of her. I'm just trying to protect myself. I'm such a coward sometimes. But anyway...I'm glad that things are going well for you. You seem like a cool person. I hope that you will come to the boards more and that maybe we can chat sometime. Have a great Saturday!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 2:49pm

Welcome Penny_Fairy! It's wonderful to have you here. Have you ever considered counseling or have you already been through it? I was thinking that would be a good way to sort out your thoughts and figure out how to have a healthy relationship. You have to love yourself first before you can give yourself to another person.


Sounds like you do latch on to anyone who will show you kindness. Developing solid, true friendships first before delving into a romantic relationship would bring you more satisfaction and fulfillment I think.


Good luck with all of this and please keep posting. We're to help you and support you and have fun too!


Hugs!


P.S. I take it you are living overseas? Where are you from? We have a couple of posters who live in Liverpool.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 3:52pm

Hey thanks again, pinkstar84, I hope to be on these boards more too lol, have a great saturday as well.

cl-ting_tn, yeah I have thought about therapy, I acctually went to one session with a psychologist when I was fourteen or so, but my parents didn't co-operate so I never went after the first time. I saw a mentor during my third year of school, she helped me through alot, but at the time, I didn't realise I was constantly having unhealthy relationships.
I wish so badly I'd of been helped through depression, I feel it lingering over me all the time. My mother abandoned me some two years ago, right now I live with my Dad who has physically and mentally abused me for ten years or so. I believe I tend to go for these relationships because it's alot like the relationships with my parents, I'd try so hard to be good enough but it was never enough, so I think I'm just used to that sort of situation. Which is why I'm sort of avoiding "love" at the moment lol.

I know I have emotional problems, it's really hard right now because I see none of my friends and I work from home. Just earlier, I phoned my best friend, she knows my situation (with my dad) but doesn't know about my self harm or anything else. I do feel very alone right now, I'm a bit lost to be honest. But, I too come from Liverpool. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 6:56pm

((((((((penny_fairy))))))))) I'm sorry you have gone through so much pain. I do hope you will find a way to get back into counseling again.


Glad you came here. We're here for you.


Hugs


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