Parents problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Parents problem
15
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 9:25am

Have you ever felt as though your parents don't really understand you or your relationship? I've been feeling lately like my parents don't really know me at all. They met my girlfriend when she came to visit me over my break last week, and they seemed to really like her, but I know that they still have a problem with me being gay. I know that it takes time to accept things and adjust, but I really wish that they wouldn't act as though I'm some sort of damaged good. I really love my girlfriend, and I'm so happy that I found someone so wonderful. I wish that they could just be happy for me and accept things as they are. I talked to my girlfriend about it, and she says that I just need to give them time and that they will come around. I realize that I'm probably being impatient and unreasonable, but I feel really alone sometimes. She always points out to me that they thought I was straight my whole life and that this is a big surprise.

I'm just really frustrated. Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you deal with parental disapproval?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 11:01am

Hi pinkie,

From what I understand, you told your parents that you were bisexual. Now on to me.

I told my parents separately. Because my parents were divorced. My dad is deceased, but my mother is still alive. My mom asked me directly if I was a lesbian. I hesitated at first and told her that I'm bisexual. My mom is a black and white kind of lady, it's either your one way sexually or the other. To her there is no middle. As I was going up the stairs, I told her that I was a lesbian. The fortunate thing is, my step-father was standing behind her and he grabbed her. See, she was coming to beat me and/or throw me out. He reminded her that she asked for the truth and when I gave it to her, she couldn't accept it and was going to hurt me for telling her the truth. It took a long while for her to accept me as I am. She's even asked me if I believe I was born this way; I told her yes. She did everything to challenge me about my sexual preference; she asked me what a woman could do that a man couldn't, she asked me if I had been molested, she asked me if ever had sex with a boy. I must agree those were very tough questions.

I couldn't very well say that a man couldn't make love to me like a woman can. I would have been risking losing some teeth. I've never been molested, by a male relative or a male stranger. I've never, ever had sex with a boy. I wasn't interested. My books, sports and the other teenage girls, at the time, were more interesting. My dad was a different story. He asked me, but he asked me under his breath and it seemed like he was ashamed of me. I have cousins on my father's side that are gay/lesbian also. They knew what I was even before I did. I guess in my father's eyes, I was a source of shame. But the same lied in him, because he wasn't proud of me for who I turned out to be, an intelligent, sensitive, and down to earth woman, that has a heart full of love for everyone.

All he saw was his only child (or so I think)turned out to be everything as I described myself as being, but even more: A human being with the ability to love another woman and having the ability to be myself and be proud of what I am. My step-dad was miles ahead of the both of them.

Pinkie, your girlfriend is correct, give them time. Be honest with your parents, answer their questions, respectfully. Be honest with your family and love them even if they don't understand right away. They may or may not come around, but know this: at least you have been honest with them. It's understandable that they treat you the way that they have. Honesty from the beginning is always important.

I very seldom speak to my mother about my relationships with women. I used to go to her with my relationship problems. Even though she didn't like the fact that I am in love with women, what could she do? She's my mom, she was there when I needed her to be and hopefully, she will still be there when I need her again. She let me know that problems come in every relationship, be they with a man or a woman. I can't say how your parents will feel about you. If you are their only child, naturally, they are going to be fearful for you, you're their baby. But, you seem to have proven that you are adult enough to drive a car, go to college, and after you graduate from college, go on with your life as a mature adult.

Hang in there, you'll be ok.

{{{{{{Pinkie}}}}}}}

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 2:12pm
Pink, I am sorry you are experiencing this with your parents. Gigi gave you some excellent advice, especially this:

"Your girlfriend is correct, give them time. Be honest with your parents, answer their questions, respectfully. Be honest with your family and love them even if they don't understand right away. They may or may not come around, but know this: at least you have been honest with them. It's understandable that they treat you the way that they have. Honesty from the beginning is always important."


You are being true to yourself and that is so important. From what you have described of your parents, I'm sure they want you to be happy and will accept your homosexuality eventually. I'm sure they never considered that you were gay, and finding out after all these years is tough. My parents accepted me and Caly pretty much from the get-go, but I know they had to process it all in their own way and time. I outed myself to them during a very difficult period of my life. I'm lucky to have them.


Caly's mother has not been as accepting. She is older and has never been exposed to much outside of her own world. She has come a very long way, though, from when she first found out that

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 2:54pm
I don't think cl-ting_tn and igentleheart could have given better advice. I don't think I could give any real advice as I haven't came out yet, exept to my close friend. It's really nice that your in such a good relationship and hopefully your parents will accept you in time. =)
Best wishes and take care.
Sue
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 7:04pm

Thanks for sharing your story with me and for your kind, caring words. You give me a lot of hope. I worry a lot about what my parents think of my relationship with my girlfriend, and I wish that I didn't care so much. I don't think that I will worry so much when I'm finished with school and I'm out on my own. I know that I need to follow my own heart because I'll never be happy if I'm always trying to live up to the expectations of other people. My parents can't live my life for me.

I think I am just frustrated right now because this is a crazy week for me anyway. My mom e-mailed me today to tell me that she got a letter in the mail from one of the graduate schools I applied to. She forwarded it to me, so I won't get it for a couple of days. The fact that it is just a letter and not a packet doesn't look good. It will probably be a rejection letter, so I'm trying to prepare myself for that. I'll keep you posted on what happens. I'm so scared. The future is really uncertain for me. I'm not sure where I will end up after May.

I'm going to head down to the college snack shop to get some food. I slept through dinner. I hope that you are having a great night!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 7:06pm
Thanks for replying to me, and thanks for your kind words. I definitely appreciate them. It helps to have people who understand like all of my iVillage friends. I don't know what I would do without all of you ladies. You give me a lot of hope and strength!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 7:08pm

Thanks for the reply! I think that you are right - Gigi and Ting did give me some absolutely amazing advice. I wish you luck if you decide to come out to your family and friends. I think that people are generally pretty accepting. I know I was surprised at how accepting my parents actually were. I didn't think they would even want to meet my girlfriend or get to know her, but they surprised me.

I'm glad you are still hanging around the boards. You seem like a really cool person. I hope that you are having a great week!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 2:22pm

On the plus side, feeling like parents don't understand you or your relationship occurs with straight people too....lots go through it.


Of course, when you add gay into the mix, there are a lot of teachings, and preconceived notions and prejudices that come into play.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 2:11am
My father passed away almost 6 yrs. ago, but he always accepted me for who i am. As for my mom, she's coming to terms with my sexuality in her own way. I just recently came out {Last August} and she's still full of questions. I just try to answer her questions to the best of my ability and i also let her know if she need to talk to me about it she can always come to me. I have a 31 year old son and a 9 year old grandson, so it's a really big shock to everyone in a way, but i've been a Tomboi all my life so really it did'nt come as no big surprise. The key thing is to give your love ones time to adjust to your lifestyle and not to rush them, if they have questions answer them. You have to understand that this is a shock to them. I have'nt had my first girlfriend as of yet, and my family members are already telling me that when i do get a girlfriend that they don't want to meet her. At least it seems to me that your parents are trying, as i said before give them time and space to accept you for who you are, they will come around.
Avatar for nursepam2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:55am

Hi jnanafish!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:20am

Hi Jnanafish! I'm adding my welcome here too. Please tell us a bit about yourself.


It's great to have you!


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