Please help - I need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Please help - I need advice!
5
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 10:20pm

My girlfriend has been talking lately about moving up to New York state to live closer to me. This would be absolutely wonderful, but I really want her to be sure that this is really want she wants to do before she transfers jobs and moves. It would be a 1000 mile move, and she would be very far away from family and friends. I do realize that eventually one of us will have to move if we want to stay together, but I just didn't think that it would happen this soon. I'm graduating from school in a couple of months, and I didn't figure that either of us would even consider moving before May at the very earliest. I don't want her to have to live alone in this area before I graduate. I need to concentrate on school right now, and I can't move out of the dorm before I graduate anyway. I don't want her to be lonely before I can be with her, and I also think that she is going to miss her family and friends a lot more than she realizes.

On one hand, I'm so grateful that she is willing to move such a great distance to be with me, but on the other hand, I'm not sure that she has really thought this decision through enough. I feel that if I let her move up here, I'm being selfish by letting her move up here away from her friends and family. I don't want her to end up ultimately resenting me. This is a really tough situation. I want her close to me, but I don't want her to be miserable because she misses her friends and family. What should I say to her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 10:30pm

My suggestion is to ask her to weigh her options. You have something to keep you busy and you really won't have the time to devote to give her the attention that she's going to want from you. Visits are ok, but moving 1000 miles all at once? Until you know for sure where you're going be living and how you're going to be supporting yourself, you have to also think about moving in with her.

Pinkie, I really can't tell you what to tell her, but I would strongly suggest for the both of you to talk this out. When you see her in April again, please sit down and the both of you have to weigh your options and not to mention the priorities that you, personally, have to figure out. Please don't rush into the something the both of you will regret and then start resenting each other. Slow down and take your time.

Hugs!

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 10:38pm
I agree. I think that she needs to take more time to weigh the decision. I'm so afraid that she will end up resenting me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 4:07pm

Pink, I think you are very wise to take your relationship slowly, especially as you finish school and sort out what you're going to do next. If you get into grad school and everything falls into place with that, then perhaps your g/f moving to NY would be feasible. But, you're spot on when you say that you need to concentrate on school and finish that first. May is not that far away, so hopefully you can persuade her to wait.


You're right too to help her make sure that this is what she wants to do and that she has all her ducks in a row before she does it. It's a huge decision to just pick up and move thousands of miles away.


The other thing I would caution you about is that you're young and this is your first lesbian relationship, right? Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level while figuring out what to do after graduation? I would hope that she would understand your situation too and be respectful of the important decisions you will be making.


But, I also understand where she's coming from too. If your relationship is "right" and your love is true, then you will want to spend as much time as possible together. That's what happened with me and Caly. We knew from the first visit that we wanted to be together forever. But, it took her 8 months to work out the details and move.


Take care and keep us posted. Hugs!


Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 5:21pm
Thanks for replying to me. You are right that this is my first lesbian relationship. I feel as though I'm at a really difficult time in my life because there are just so many factors that I'm unsure about. A lot depends on whether or not I get into graduate school. I should be finding that out any day now. Thanks for being so wonderful to me. I hope that you are having a great day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:59am
The only thing i can tell you is to talk to her and make sure this is what she really want to do.