Need advice about friendship with ex
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| Fri, 06-30-2006 - 11:51pm |
Ladies,
I need some advice from other women in the GLBT community about something I'm experiencing. I've talked to my straight friends about this, but they say "hell no" and my gay guy friends say "maybe" so I just want to get yet another perspective.
My partner whom I've lived in the same house with for 5 years recently "fabricated" a disagreement between she and I and then broke up with me via letter and disappeared for 3 days. I later found out that she went to stay with her ex after she left the letter and that they have suddenly gotten back together (and the ex has moved in, less than a week after I moved out).
Although we'd been having problems for the past year, the break up truly came out of nowhere. The ex left a message on our answering machine in the Fall and at that time, my partner acted as if she wasn't going to call her back. I have no idea how long they've been in touch, but I feel as if my partner essentially broke up with me over fabricated events just to disguise the fact that she wanted to get back together with the ex. For all I know, they've been in contact since the phone call in the Fall.
She and the ex had been apart for almost a year when my partner met me, but she and the ex were still on friendly terms. In fact, during the first year of our relationship, the ex came over to the house to visit one day (which I found totaly crazy!!). I told her I wasn't comfortable with this.
A few days after the break up, my ex now expresses a desire to remain friends with
ME. I am furious with her over the break up itself, and the fact that she didn't talk to me, but left a letter. She probably knows that I know about her getting back together with the ex, but she hasn't told me about it. I feel that my ex has some serious boundary issues and I don't think I can or should be her friend.... I don't think it's healthy for either of us. And I'm having a lot of trouble getting over her breaking my heart like this. Part of me is speaking from being lied to about what our break up was really all about, and the other part of me feels like she just wants to play the same game with me as she did with the ex when she and I got together (flaunting the relationship) except now the roles are reversed.
There are one or two of my exes that I am friends with, but only to talk to them or exchange an email once or twice a year, but I feel that it's a little different when the person has "potentially" been cheating on you with the ex, and doesn't even have enough respect for you to talk to you and tell you that they want something else, but instead acts like a coward and pretends that there has been a fight between the two of you which resulted in the break up occurring via letter.
I know that this is a long post, but I just really need to get as many other viewpoints as possible. Would you be able to be friends with a person who'd done this to you? You have my permission to be as blunt as you feel necessary in your reply
Thanks

Okay, you gave me permission to be blunt so I am going to take it.
Your ex is a wuss. She did not have the guts to tell you that she wanted out, but instead fabricated an argument to make it look like the break up was your fault. WTF. No no no no no.
Yes, I agree that she is playing the same game now but in reverse. When she gets tired of the ex-turned gf-again, you will call out of the blue and suddenly she will have an argument with the current missus and use that as an excuse to run back to you.
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Hi SciFiFan and welcome to LL.
Pieces of My Life
Hi ..Sci Fi... and welcome.....*Sigh.. I am not one (Mixed up as I have been)
C >^. A .
Your ex is a wuss. She did not have the guts to tell you that she wanted out, but instead fabricated an argument to make it look like the break up was your fault. WTF. No no no no no.
Yes, I agree that she is playing the same game now but in reverse. When she gets tired of the ex-turned gf-again, you will call out of the blue and suddenly she will have an argument with the current missus and use that as an excuse to run back to you.
Hi and welcome to the board!
Others have pretty much given you the advice that I would. While some lesbians seem to be able to be friends with their exs and not have it be complicated, I couldn't imagine doing that, or being able to handle it if my partner did it, especially in the situation you describe.
Thanks so much to all of you who responded. I'm feeling so many things over these last couple of weeks. I feel like I've visited every emotion from pain to anger to shame to guilt to fear to confusion and then have gone back and repeated each of them at least twice. These last few days, I've done a lot of "processing" and many of the things you all said also occurred to me....if she'd treat me this way as a partner, what could I expect as a friend......it doesn't really matter that I don't know WHEN she rekindled the friendship with the ex, the bottom line is that she was dishonest about it.....you have to question the stability of a person that could end a very emotional five year relationship and then move on to someone else so quickly........she will play this game of vacillating between exs for years if I allow her to......and most importantly, it is not HEALTHY for me to try to maintain any kind of friendship with her.
I am in incredible pain and yet I know that I will be fine when I work through this. It will just take time.
Thanks again everyone
(((((((Hugs)))))))
I hope that you will continue to visit this message board.
Pieces of My Life
Ohhhhhhh my...this sure brings back memories...(ones I'd just as soon forget, but also ones I keep near so I never make the same mistake again...I'd advise others to do the same!)
Okay! I don't believe in the hard and fast rule of "No friendships with your your former loves". Rather, I would say base it on the person's character and the circumstances of your relationship and the break-up. So, if we are talking a stable person, stable relationship, and an decent split, then why not in time be friends. But if there was chaos, instability, and dishonesty, then forget it. Friednships are based on trust, so if that was in question during your relationship, it doesn't make for the start of a nurturing friendship.
Anyway, it sounds to me that you have answered your own questions and know in your heart what is best and healthiest for you (as we often do!)....Given what you have described re your ex's behaviour, I don't think it is a healthy move to remain friends. And even if you did remain as friends, it is much too soon right now for you, in light of what has happened. Having a bit of physical and emotional space between you and her would be very wise, I'm thinking.
Regardless, my bottom line answer is a resounding "NO!".....Remain civil and kind always, but someone who behaves this way cannot be a part of your life unless there was some MONUMENTAL and CERTAIN change in behaviour...
Now repeat after me: "NO!"...
Your welcome Sci Fi!