question for you guys
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question for you guys
| Sun, 08-20-2006 - 7:53pm |
Hi. My name is Julie and I have visited this board a couple of times. I guess I have a question for you guys but I'm not exactly sure. Basically, I am a married mother of two with #3 on the way but I'm sexually attracted to women. I was in a lesbian relationship for about 3 years before I got married. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband although he can be a pain in the butt at times, but I'm just not sexually turned on by him. He knows about my past and knows that I still have these feelings and he is okay with it. We've been married 8 1/2 years and I've been faithful to him even though he says it is okay for me to be involved with a woman if I feel like I need that in my life. I guess my question is am I a lesbian? I know there really is no simple answer but I just wanted you opinions. I used to consider myself bisexual but the more I think about the more confused I get. I know that I enjoy being with a woman more than with a man and that I can only get turned on and have an orgasm if I'm thinking about a woman. I'm sorry if this is too long or any inappropriate question but I'm just trying to figure out some things.
Thanks,
Julie
Thanks,
Julie

Hi Julie and welcome to Lesbian Life.
Pieces of My Life
No one can tell you who or what you are but you... however... to me, you sound suspiciously like a lesbian. I would say bi-sexual except that men do not turn you on.
Are you in love with your husband or do you love him in a different way? It is hard to know what to say without any more info.
Why did you turn from being a lesbian and marry a man? Was it for children or were you madly in love. Did he turn you on then?
Wow! Lot's of questions here. I hope you come back!
Welcome, and please feel comfy here.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Julie
So many of us go through that guilt phase because of the way we are brought up.
Think about this, are you really confused? Or just fighting being true to yourself because of how you were raised and now the marriage and kids and how the family will feel if you start to live the lesbian life.
It sounds to me like you have a great relationship with your husband otherwise.
Julie, I don't think you are confused. I think you know. I just think you keep fighting it because of the guilt and the mess it could cause if you went back to living the lifestyle.
Maybe you could accept the fact that you are a lesbian, who chose to live a straight lifestyle, for whatever reasons.
And now you have to decide how you will live with that decision, or if you will choose to be with women again.
Or try both as your husband has given you his blessings.
That is just what it looks like to me. What do you think? Am I way out of line?
Hope to hear from you soon,
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
(((((Julie)))))
This is a safe and supportive place to talk about some of your feelings.
Pieces of My Life
Julie, I cannot find the message board link but I think someone here might still have it.
Here are a couple of resources I did find:
Christian Lesbians.com
Gay Church
Soul Force
I found this especially interesting:
Soulforce Mission Statement
"The purpose of Soulforce is freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance."
Wherever you are on your journey of faith,
Whatever your sexual orientation or gender identity,
Whatever your religion, race, age, ability, color, or creed,
You are welcome to join us in learning, teaching, and applying
the 'soul force' principles of relentless nonviolent resistance
as taught by Gandhi and King
as we work together to stop spiritual violence
against Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender people
that flows out of the teachings and actions
of religious leaders and their communities of faith.
-The People of Soulforce
What is Spiritual Violence?
Spiritual violence is the misuse of religion to sanction the condemnation and rejection of any of God’s children.
Misusing religion and/or God to support society’s bias against sexual and gender minorities also inappropriately justifies psychological, legal and physical violence against them. Some zealots blatantly articulate spiritual violence against gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people when they scream "God Hates Fags."
Mainline churches may be less blatant and more sophisticated, but they are no less guilty of spiritual violence. It is just as violent spiritually when pastors and parents—quoting scripture—condemn and reject members of their congregation and their family. When this happens, God’s gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender children also feel condemned and rejected by their Creator as well.
Pieces of My Life
Welcome to the board, Julie. Glad you came back to talk with us. I hope you will find that this is a supportive and safe place to sort through your feelings.
Pam and Laurie have already given you some great advice/thoughts. I was in your position three years ago and eventually realized that I love women and identify as a lesbian. I made some drastic changes in my life and now live with my partner, who is my co-CL here.
From what I gather from your post, you do not sound like you are wanting to make big changes, just wanting to figure out how to reconcile your feelings for your DH with your desire to be with women. I've heard of families who have open relationships and make it work. But, many do not. There are many factors that go into deciding if that's a kind of lifestyle you want to have that only you and your DH can address.
The more I become entrenched in the lesbian community, the more I realize how many women feel the way you do (and as I did).
hi Julie and welcome to the board!
I am never sure why people feel the need to label themselves anything at all? Does it really matter if you are bisexual, lesbian or what? So you go out and find yourself a label... what will that change for you? Does it give you permission to give up on your marriage and seek a woman? Where do the kids fit into all this?
Your husband may be saying sure honey, go find yourself a woman if that will keep you happy- ultimately he is possibly thinking "and make our marriage better". Having an extra relationship involves another person. How is she going to feel about having an affair with a married woman? What about if you fall in love with her, her with you? Is she going to ask you to leave your husband to be with her? Are you prepared to?
Being a lesbian (for me at least) involves a LOT more than being sexually attracted to women. It's about having a whole and complete monogamous relationship with a woman.
There are a couple of links on the "what I like" part of my profile that you might find helpful.
take care
Ven
Ven,
Thank you for this post. I know it wasn't specifically about me, but it did help me, too. The question I've been asking myself is: Am I choosing this to rebel against societal norms? Am I doing it to seek acceptance where I haven't found it before? Would I still make this choice if I was shunned by everybody - is it a choice that is consistent with who I am in my soul? Hard questions, especially with such a potentially controversial decision. You're right - it shouldn't be about labels and society's wishes, but sometimes they get mixed in. If you take out society altogether, would you still make the same decision?
Just my thoughts...literally. I'm facing a similar decision as Julie and your thoughts on the matter helped me as well.