So many questions-are there any answers?
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| Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:14am |
Hi! I'm new here and have been looking around a little. I feel a lot of compassion and friendship on this board - and I really enjoy seeing it! This post isn't about my intro, really. I had a question that maybe some of you could help me answer for myself through your own experiences. (I apologize ahead of time if this gets long.) I'm not asking for you to tell me what I should do, but simply asking if you've been in a similar situation and how you handled it and how it turned out for you, and how you knew to act the way you did, or what you'd change if you could go back. Okay, now that the explanation is done, time for the explaining... :)
I'm 24, married to a 25 yr old guy, with two young boys, 3 and almost 1. Going back as far as I can remember, I was always first drawn to girls, and then eventually women. I had more crushes on girls than on boys. I eventually forced myself to like boys because my parents are Baptist and that's what was expected. I dated some of each after high school (while I was in the military, of all places!) I had a relationship that thoroughly broke my heart - my first true love. But, alas, I was the other woman. Her girlfriend of 7 years on and off wanted her back and she couldn't resist. I understand the feeling, but it still broke my heart. To this day I don't think I could face her because I'd probably just fall at her feet and beg to have her back. She was also my first real lesbian sexual experience. Anyway. Then I met Alex (my dh) and it was love at first sight. We've been together in other lifetimes and I just knew it was him. Buuuuut, in this life I'm finding we're better friends than we are marriage partners. But we have two kids and five and a half years into the relationship. I'm not terribly attracted to him anymore. Honestly, the intimate side of things is okay, but only after an absence (he's a trucker), and not so good when we're around each other 24/7. But I'm not emotionally attracted to him. He's not a nice guy. He's been emotionally abusive and neglectful to me, and he verbally and emotionally abuses and neglects the kids. We've been in counselling individually and together the whole time we've been together, and all it's done is shown bigger gaps in our relationship.
I really feel, and have felt for a long time, that another woman would really understand me and support me better than my dh has ever done. Frankly, more than he's capable of. He's just not that type of person. He was really meant to be a loner. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately about this and about religion, and I keep coming back to the same thing I've known since I was five, literally. But I live less than 2 miles from my Baptist parents and I'm in an extremely small community in the middle of the Bible belt. Another monkey wrench...my dad and my dh are team drivers for the trucking company. ARG! I love Alex, somewhere, somehow, but I'm scared of him and I'm scared of what he's doing to the kids. Aryc trembles everytime Alex LOOKS at him. He shakes and backs away when Alex talks to him, let alone when Alex disciplines him. I've talked non-stop about this, as has our several counselors, and he refuses to change. I'm soo unhappy. Totally unfulfilled, and I have no true companion.
Okay. Long post, I know. Sorry. Have any of you come from a situation like this? What did you do? What would you do different if you could go back and change it? How were you able to be true to yourself in the face of overwhelming peer pressure to "fit in"? Thanks for the help! I'll be around checking things out and I'm excited to hear from you all! :)


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((((Kristen)))
I'm so sorry you are having a rough time with your DH. I was married for 12 years (and together for a total of 16 years) and divorced almost two years ago. A year or so before my marriage ended, I reached a very, very low point in life. I was depressed and felt like I had fallen into a black hole and couldn't get out. I have two girls who were 6 and 2 at the time. I had never ever thought I would be with a woman but had had feelings and crushes for them throughout my life. During this dark period I started thinking about being with women. Like you, I had ongoing issues with my XH that weren't getting any better. I ended up meeting Caly, my partner and co-CL on the board. She brightened my life like no one else had ever done, and I knew for certain that I was meant to be with a woman.
After a series of many difficult events, I divorced my husband. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I too live in the Bible belt, so I understand your concerns. Deciding to live life as a minority was very, very difficult, but the positives far outweighed the negatives, so I found a way to make it work. Do I still have issues? Yes, many. But I
Kristin,
Hello and welcome to the board. I can relate. I was married for 12 years (with my ex for a total of 17 years) and have two daughters. I was unhappy in my marriage for a long time, but focused on my children to get by. My ex is a narcissist and was emotionally abusive as well as controlling. He was not involved with our children at all. I wondered for years how I could possibly spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted things to change, but was scared of what my options were. It took me a long time to realize/accept that I was a lesbian, but once I did it was the final straw, so to speak. I began the long and difficult process of following the path that I knew was ultimately best for both me and my daughters. I was raised in the Southern Baptist church as well, so this was particularly shocking for some of my family. I am blessed that most of my friends and family really have stuck by me and put their love & concern for my happiness over any judgement they might have had. Two years later, and with the help of family, friends, my wonderful life partner, and a great counselor, I am reaching the best point in my life. I feel at peace, happy, balanced, and optimistic like never before. I have no regrets at all. Has it been an easy process? Of course not. There was many a time that I felt hopeless, overwhelmed, and wondered if the end would be worth all I was going through. But for me, following my heart and true self has been the best decision I ever made. My daughters see how much happier I am, they adore my partner, and our lives are better than when we shared a home with my ex.
I wish you strength as you decide what is best for you and your family. Hang in there.
Jules
Jules
Kristin, yes, I am going through the same thing now. I am thankful though that there are no children to have to be harmed by the emotional abuse of the husband. If he knew of the other feelings I have....I don't know what would happen. I understand, and know that you are not alone in facing this pressure that we have had in our lives to conform to what others feel that we must be.
Nina
*Update*
I talked with my aunt, a wise-woman and spiritual counselor, about all of this. She's been with me through all these ups and downs all my life. She advised that I learn what being lesbian means to me and what I want before trying to pursue anyone or anything. My husband is an over-the-road trucker, who is teaming with my dad (complicates things!!!), so him only being home 3-4 days a month really makes him easier to tolerate. However... I saw him today for a little while. (He had a lay-over nearby and we all went out for breakfast.) I found I didn't even really want to get close to him. I'm usually really open with him, so trying to not say anything made me not want to say anything about anything. (I just felt like if I opened my mouth at all I'd spill the beans, and now's NOT the time.) That's the other thing. I'd like to just get on with my life and become available for whoever is out there that I might happen to meet, but with my status still technically married and still technically known as straight, that's tough. I live in a community of about 830 in the Midwest. My parents have lived here for almost 16 years, so if I met anybody in town, everybody (including my parents) would know almost immediately. But with the kids, there's little chance of getting to the bigger city
Hi again Kristin!
Wow you do have alot on your plate.
Kristin,
Change is the biggest fear to face. I am differently abled and have had to face a lot of challenges. My husband is physically and emotionally abusive (and yes, I can hear the cries of "Leave the *#*%*#*",) but it is not that easy. No friends, no self-esteem, and if he knew that I was not attracted to him but was attracted to women (being the devout Catholic that he is) I don't know what he would do. I am making steps slowly but surely to get out of the situation. But the fear is change, because I don't know how I will support myself, or how I will make friends after being told for so long that I was not worthy of being someones friend. Stay strong Kristin, because good things come to those who wait and do things patiently.
Nina
Keep on doing what you need to do for you.. But do try to stay safe...
C >^. A .
C >^. A .
My current plan is to simply, quietly,
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