So many questions-are there any answers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
So many questions-are there any answers?
33
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:14am

Hi! I'm new here and have been looking around a little. I feel a lot of compassion and friendship on this board - and I really enjoy seeing it! This post isn't about my intro, really. I had a question that maybe some of you could help me answer for myself through your own experiences. (I apologize ahead of time if this gets long.) I'm not asking for you to tell me what I should do, but simply asking if you've been in a similar situation and how you handled it and how it turned out for you, and how you knew to act the way you did, or what you'd change if you could go back. Okay, now that the explanation is done, time for the explaining... :)


I'm 24, married to a 25 yr old guy, with two young boys, 3 and almost 1. Going back as far as I can remember, I was always first drawn to girls, and then eventually women. I had more crushes on girls than on boys. I eventually forced myself to like boys because my parents are Baptist and that's what was expected. I dated some of each after high school (while I was in the military, of all places!) I had a relationship that thoroughly broke my heart - my first true love. But, alas, I was the other woman. Her girlfriend of 7 years on and off wanted her back and she couldn't resist. I understand the feeling, but it still broke my heart. To this day I don't think I could face her because I'd probably just fall at her feet and beg to have her back. She was also my first real lesbian sexual experience. Anyway. Then I met Alex (my dh) and it was love at first sight. We've been together in other lifetimes and I just knew it was him. Buuuuut, in this life I'm finding we're better friends than we are marriage partners. But we have two kids and five and a half years into the relationship. I'm not terribly attracted to him anymore. Honestly, the intimate side of things is okay, but only after an absence (he's a trucker), and not so good when we're around each other 24/7. But I'm not emotionally attracted to him. He's not a nice guy. He's been emotionally abusive and neglectful to me, and he verbally and emotionally abuses and neglects the kids. We've been in counselling individually and together the whole time we've been together, and all it's done is shown bigger gaps in our relationship.


I really feel, and have felt for a long time, that another woman would really understand me and support me better than my dh has ever done. Frankly, more than he's capable of. He's just not that type of person. He was really meant to be a loner. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately about this and about religion, and I keep coming back to the same thing I've known since I was five, literally. But I live less than 2 miles from my Baptist parents and I'm in an extremely small community in the middle of the Bible belt. Another monkey wrench...my dad and my dh are team drivers for the trucking company. ARG! I love Alex, somewhere, somehow, but I'm scared of him and I'm scared of what he's doing to the kids. Aryc trembles everytime Alex LOOKS at him. He shakes and backs away when Alex talks to him, let alone when Alex disciplines him. I've talked non-stop about this, as has our several counselors, and he refuses to change. I'm soo unhappy. Totally unfulfilled, and I have no true companion.


Okay. Long post, I know. Sorry. Have any of you come from a situation like this? What did you do? What would you do different if you could go back and change it? How were you able to be true to yourself in the face of overwhelming peer pressure to "fit in"? Thanks for the help! I'll be around checking things out and I'm excited to hear from you all! :)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 8:36pm

Kristim... I really feel for you and your situation.

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 10:58am

Halo, and everyone who's responded, Thank you for your thoughts. :) Update: I am taking baby steps, and taking things one day at a time. We had a great talk while he was home recently and laid out our current status and expectations. I think it'll make a difference. We'll see. Thanks again, everyone! :)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:23am

Glad you are communicating now and hopefully making some progress. Please feel free to post anytime when you need to talk or want some extra hugs of support.


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