Question for you !!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Question for you !!!!
18
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 10:16pm

Hey there!!!

I know that I am new and I feel bad even starting this thread when everyone else has so much going on!!! As you all know I am new to the female to female relationship and Deb and I have something very special but OMG she can be so jealous and possessive of me.. Uggg... I don't know what to do.... She went off with her parents tonight and I went to xh's to get Trev and we were talking about this promotion that I am trying to get, I was there about 2o minutes or so.. and Trevor was wanting to go so he went to the car and called Deb and told her I was inside talking to my xh and he didn't have anywhere to do his homework, hello he was being a kid and wanting attention and if he wanted to do his homework that bad he could of done it the three hours before I got there.. he just wanted her to be there, anyway set her off, I had told her this morning that I shouldn't be there too long that we had already talked about a lot of it ( we work for the same company and he is in upper management and we are still really good friends) but he had heard some more things today and we were discussing them, she went off and she is still going off about it...She is not home yet, she is doing this over text messaging but I have quit answering.... I am not going to quit talking to my xh, we have a son and we work together, I left him for her over a year ago and have not given her anything to be jealous of and this is driving me crazy, we are fine but let her go out of town she just assumes that I am over there at his house or I am on the phone with him. Any suggestions on how to handle this... This possessiveness and jealousy is going to kill me!!! I know that she feels threatened that I could go back and all of that but how much more do I have to do to make her understand that I love her and I am not going anywhere. Please forgive me if this was not appropriate thing to post so soon to the board... I am really struggling here.. we go thru this at least once every couple of weeks and the last time I told her no more, I wouldn't do it again. Thank you for letting me vent... Jules, how are you holding up? I hope that everyone's week is going well and has gotten better.. Congrat's on the new jobs by the way!!!

Brenda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 12:44am

Hello.

I've been in a relationship before, so I know where you're coming from. First off, you needed to vent. I'm not suggesting that you find another job, nor am I suggesting that you stop speaking to the father of your child, yes, you do have a bond and it's only because of your son.

Maybe you have described the situation about your girlfriend and your husband before and I wasn't paying attention.

Is it possible that while your girlfriend and you are getting to know each other, she doesn't understand that your husband is a part of your son's life, no matter what or who comes into the picture?

Even though you're trying to get a promotion, do you think it was a good idea to talk about it at your ex's home, instead of at work the next day? Or, would it have been a bad idea to speak about it at work, where it would have been the most appropriate place to talk about it?

How do you react when she goes out of town? Do you call her on her cell phone, or text message her?

No, I don't have children, at least in my life. Sometimes children are going to be children. As you said, why didn't he do his homework, while he had the opportunity to do so, before you picked him up?

I've been in a lot of relationships with women. And humbly speaking, they were the same with me. I didn't give them a reason to be jealous, or insecure. Possesiveness would have caused me to leave them. When a few of them very nicely reminded me that they left men alone, to become involved with me (before I transitioned)they held it over my head. I very directly said to one of them, "Then why don't you go back to men?" They didn't have a response to that. I called their bluff. They stayed right with me.

I told them that I loved them and only them, there was no one else in the picture.

The both of you are going through growing pains, it's normal to go through what you're going through. Open communications with your son, and your girlfriend will stop the confusion, fussing and fighting.

I can't give you any suggestions about your ex-husband, considering that you have control over that situation.

I really do hope that some of my experience and suggestions have helped, or at least shown you the other side of the picture. Probably, by the time you have read this she's will be home and the two of you have, hopefully, straighted this out, peacefully. If not, please, by all means sit down, talk this out, calmly and try to come to a compromise or a clear understanding about what role your ex plays in your son's life, and what role you play in her life.

Thanks!

Sebastian

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 7:53am

Hey Brenda!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:14am

Hey Brenda,


So glad you felt comfortable enough here to ask such an important question. igentleheart and Caly have already given you great insights and suggestions, so I won't add too much.


First and foremost, I believe that maintaining a good relationship with your XH is one of the best things you can do for Trevor. I have been divorced for almost two years and while XH and I have our issues, we get along pretty well overall. We are able to do things like go to soccer games and chat. I know that it makes a big impression on my girls.


I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 4:18pm

Hey there,


Thank you so much for being so wonderful!!! I can't tell you how much it means to be able to just be able to just talk and to know that it is okay.. thank you so much for understanding.. I am so grateful to be a part of your group....you all are truly special!!!!


Wow, you know you really gave me a total different light on things,

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 5:08pm

Hey you,


Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 5:47pm

Hey Deb!


I had to fight tooth and nail to get Jeff to agree that Jordan needed therapy, and he only went for 8 sessions but I think it was worth it.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 9:30pm

Hey Sebastian,

Thank you so much for your reply.... you gave me a lot of ideas that I had not considered and I appreciate that. as you said, we are both going through growing pains and we both need to be patient with each other... I do try to make it clear to her that I love her and only her and that I am not going anywhere and I never throw the other in her face because in reality what happened in my marriage and what deteriorated happened way before she came into the picture I just ended the situation at the same time we met.

My xh and I have a very close relationship and I can understand where she is coming from and I would feel threatened by that probably too and we have been talking more in light of this position and getting his help with it...ugg, please let me get this job and all of this be behind us soon.. lol

And she is home, she got back late last night and she is fine and I am slowly getting over my pouting and we are talking things out so all is well and we will grow from this, I know this is all part of the relationship and blended family struggles that many of us go through but knowing that we have a place to vent and to come too means so much and I really do appreciate your insight. Thank you....

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:56pm

You're most welcome. I know that putting two families together isn't the easiest thing to do. I'm just happy that things are calming down between you and your sweetheart.

Gentle hugs,

Sebastian

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

Avatar for mschiffven
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 4:10am

Hi Brenda

Like everyone who has posted before me has said, you don't have to worry about coming to this board to vent. Let it all out!! I think most here will agree that it's been a need to find people who understand our situations that brings us all to this message board in the first place.

I can see both sides of your situation. I tend to be the fairly jealous and insecure type myself and at times it puts a strain on my own relationships, leading to the end of at least one.
I am afraid I am a product of my past. I have never had anyone in my life I could consistently count on... everything that was given to me with one hand was taken with the other. I find it very difficult to believe when someone tells me they love me. It has never really been true for me before, so why would it be now? I know it's not fair to make my current girlfriend suffer for the wrongs done to me by people she does not even know. A lot of the time I am not even aware I am doing it.
My relationship that ended was because she was sick of me asking her to prove she loves me. That is what she thought I was doing. Truth was, I just liked to hear it. I am sure if she could tell me that every time I needed to know without making such a big deal out of it then I probably would have asked it of her less.
My current partner has left her husband of 27 years to be with me. He is her best friend, her family has become his family. He is not ready to meet me, to accept that Sue has moved on so I get excluded from the weekly family dinner to accomodate him. I used to worry that he was going to try to convince her to come back to him, that she would prefer to work on their 27 years together than on our 1 year.
They still have their weekly movie night. I understand that her friendship with him is important. I also understand that he had the best part of the last 10 years to be a partner to her and he blew it. She isn't going to try again with him because she tried for ten years.
It was hard at first, but she gave me all the assurances I needed when I needed them and now I need them less. I had to talk about my past so that she would understand why I feel I need this.
Sometimes it just seems too good to be true.

I hope you two can work this out. She only feels this way because she loves you madly of course.

Ven


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 7:24am

Hey Ven,


I understand what you mean about your past influencing your present, and

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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