The drama of Christmas....

Avatar for mschiffven
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
The drama of Christmas....
6
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 3:06am

Doesn't it seem that we have just gotten over one, and we are heading into another?! At work, we are busy making sure everything is fixed and working and that we have enough dog beds etc on hand, ready for the big influx. It feels like we are still recovering from the last one!

Then there is the annual family thing. I am kind of transient... not attached to any family in particular. In fact I have worked christmas day for the last 2 years and planning to do the same again this year.
Well this year, I have a new partner. Fiance even. She wants me to go spend christmas with her and her family at her mother's house. Would be fine except for one thing. Her ex-partner. They were together for 27 years. Her family is the only family he knows- he has a mother he hardly ever sees but from what I understand, no one else. If he even thought I would be there for Christmas, I am certain he will not go himself.
I don't want to be selfish about this. I understand this year has been hard for him. He knew she had a girlfriend but he thought they would carry on as they always did, only some nights she wouldn't come home. He never expected her to up and leave, despite how badly he was treating her.
I don't want to spend christmas at her mother's house if it means ruining christmas for him.
They already have a family dinner at her mother's house every sunday. Have done for years and years. He goes to this, Sue goes to this... have done for years. Kids and I don't, except for one time when he was ill and didnt go.

So am I being a martyr in saying I won't join their family for christmas? Or am I doing the right thing?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 7:27am

Well Ven, while I am sure it is super unconfortable, if you truly want to become part of her family, I think you need to show her that She is more important then your discomfort.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

Avatar for tookie12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 7:58am

My ex believed that he should be able to remain a part of MY family for years after our divorce. TG was obviously not comfortable with that so I told my mother that if HE was invited WE would not be showing up. It took awhile (I was with him for 25 years) but the family finally got it. The nail on the coffin was when he called my mother while drunk and started swearing at her last year.
I would go and begin making relationships with her family.

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Edited 10/13/2006 8:05 am ET by tookie12

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htt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 8:59am

That's certainly a difficult situation, Ven. But I vote for you to go. It's not your responsibility or your g/f's or her family's responsibility to make sure her

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 11:21am


Hey Ven,

I look at it this way, and you probably won't agree, but I wouldn't go to her mom's house for dinner, if she can't leave him to come to you. I don't think your being selfish, do what makes you feel comfortable.

Good to see ya!

Sebastian

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


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Avatar for mschiffven
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 9:43pm

thanks for your input everyone.

I think I will continue to exclude myself from christmas plans until such time as I am included in the sunday family dinner thing. If that doesn't look like it is ever going to happen, I will ask my gf to stop going as well. We can start our own sunday tradition.

Going on Christmas day won't just ruin it for him, it will ruin it for me as well because I will feel like i am where I'm not wanted. I am sure the kids will be just as happy to stay at home with me this year. Maybe they will come and help me feed dogs, lol and that can be our new tradition!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:40am

Hope it all works out for you, Ven!


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