Questioning and confused
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| Sat, 11-04-2006 - 9:25pm |
Hello,
I'm sorry if this gets long and rambles. Any feed back you have is apprecaited, but I just need to put this out there in the universe so that it's out of my head for a while.
I don't remember what triggered it, but about a week ago as I crawled into bed a thought popped into my head as to whether or not I might be gay and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I've wondered about it on occasion over the years, but why now, at 28 did the thought pop in my head and stick with me so much. All I have are questions, and every time I try to answer one two more take it's place.
A little background... My first sexual experience ever took place when I was around 10. My best friend, who lived across the street, and I would play house or some other game like that. Most of the time the game resulted in us in her bedroom or mine playing at "sex." We did this for a couple years until she went to middle school and I was still in elementary (she was a year older). I haven't had any sexual contact with a woman since then, but have thought about it. I've had crushes on boys but never a boyfriend. I've had sex with one man, but I was 19 and did it because I was tired of being the dreaded virgin in my dorm. As an interesting note, I found out about a year ago that my friend is a lesbian. We're not close anymore so I can't really ask, but I've often wondered if she knew back then when we were "playing" or if she ever thought about it. I've thought of it often over the years.
Since this has stuck in my head so much I've done a lot of looking back at my relationships and looking for signs that I might prefer girls to guys, and I've surprised myself by finding some. But at the same time I've been attracted to and turned on by guys too, but is that just because I've trained my brain to think that way? I just don't know, and I think that's part of what stresses me out about it... how do I know 100% for sure. If I am and come out to my friends and family I know they will be supportive, but I just want to be 100% sure before I do.
I bought and read the book "Same Sex in the City" byt Lauren Levin and Lauren Blitzer today. What I liked about it was that they talked about how it's ok not to label yourself and that you might not fit into the perfect little box of what people think of when they think of "lesbian." I know there's no True/False test to take to determine if you're gay or not, but ... god I just wish I knew... of course that raises the thought - if I'm seriously questioning it maybe that is the answer right there.
Any advice, books, etc. you can provide from your experience is GREATLY appreciated!
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest for a couple mintues.

hugs
halo
hugs
halo
Welcome to the group, Umpis! It's great to have you here! You've already gotten some great feedback. I agree that you should consider how you feel when you're around other women and start exploring the lesbian community through books, music, movies, special events, etc. In our town it's kind of hard to break into a social group, but we have begun to initiate some good friendships.
BTW, I had the same experience you did when I was 10. My neighbor and I would "play house". I didn't even think that I might identify as a lesbian until I turned 35, even though I had had very intense feelings for women throughout my life. When I decided to explore my identity and figure out who I really am, I realized that the life I was leading was not making me happy. Now I have a beautiful partner (Caly...my co-CL)