I want to understand my sexuality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
I want to understand my sexuality.
4
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 3:18pm

I didn't receive what I would consider a warm welcome so I am not sure if many people would be willing to assist me. I think adults often forget what it is like to be young and therefore easily discriminate or disregard the youth... That however is another time.

My problem begins with the fact I'm not sure I am a lesbian, but I think that I may be. Let me give you a little background and then hopefully you can give me some guidance. I am sorry if this is long.

I turned 16 in September and I have a pretty nice life overall. I get depressed occasionally, but I am usually a cheerful person and people like being around me. I have never had a boyfriend, but I have had a few crushes. I have been asked out, but I wasn't allowed to date until I turned 16 and now things are way too complicated.

About a year ago I was having a friend over for the night. We had been friends since kinder garden and sleepovers weren't that uncommon. During this particular night though I couldn't actually sleep because I kept thinking there was something different about the way Clarissa and I slept together. Most of my friends would sleep in sleeping bags on the floor or on sister's or brother's beds if they were out of town. Clarissa on the other hand had always slept in the same bed with me. The night passed by and I had for the time forgotten about my thoughts and the days progressed as usual. We even had a few other sleepovers with witch I had no trouble sleeping.

After new years it was very cold outside and Clarissa was staying the night. I woke up early in the morning sweating heavily from heat and she was clinging to me like saran wrap. I was so startled that I woke her up also and she apologized while saying something about being cold. We split apart both went back to sleep. In the morning we didn't say anything about it to each other. During the winter my dad keeps it a thousand degrees in the house during so I don't see how anyone could feel cold, but I just let it go.

In February I stayed at Clarissa's house and that night we watched a TiVoed Degrassi rerun where Paige kisses Alex. Clarissa's parents really do keep it cold to save money so we were kind of snuggling in bed talking. Suddenly she got really serious and asked me, "Kate, have you ever thought about kissing me?" I kind jerked away and quickly replied, "No way! Why?!?" The crushed look on her face was something that really hurt me. Even though she said, "No reason," I could tell that I had hurt her. She rolled over and didn't say anything else. The next couple of months were really awkward.

Clarissa stopped wanting to spend the night or even hang out often. It really upset me a lot. I felt that I had accidentally done something that was going to destroy our friendship. I didn't even know what, but in April I was so upset that I just flat out confronted her. We had a big tearful tryst and she told me things couldn't just continue like they were because it was too hard for her.

We had been friends forever and I definitely didn't want to lose that. I did love her in a way and I thought maybe we could work around issues and build on things. I asked her if we could go really slowly on relationship matters and she agreed. All I could think was, 'I don't want to lose you as my friend!' so we started a relationship.

In early May we had our first, 'sleepover' since we started our relationship. I felt awkward and scared to death. We watched some TV, did some work on MySpace and IM and finally went to bed. We laid there talking and snuggled a little bit. Even though we had sort-of been doing that since we were very young it still felt awkward this time. Then Clarissa asked me a question, "Could I kiss you?" and my heart stopped.

I was so scared then I realized we had been, 'going out,' a couple of weeks and had not even had our first kiss. I realized that I was, 'leading her on,' in a selfish attempt to avoid losing our friendship. I didn't want to, 'play games,' with her so I said, "Yes," to the kiss. We ended up kissing for a few hours that night and honestly it felt good. I could tell she wanted to go further, but I was so thankful she didn't ask. Kissing became completely natural for us and even though things were progressing slowly I could tell she was happy.

My birthday rolled around in September. She got some theme park tickets and a hotel room in a city that was a little ways off. My parents surprised the hell out of me by saying I could go. At first I was really excited because I absolutely love thrill rides, but the only thing I remember about my entire birthday was the night.

At this point in our relationship the only thing we had done is some pretty heavy make-out sessions and even though it felt somewhat natural, I still felt a little awkward. I enjoyed them, but I felt somewhat wrong afterwards. I am usually fairly articulate, but unfortunately I am unable to describe how I felt/feel.

The night Clarissa and I spent in the hotel was amazing, but still awkward. It was all so very romantic. She planned everything. We took a bubble bath together, ate a candle-lit dinner and she gave me an oil back-rub. I was definitely aroused and I guess you could say we went all the way. I had my first orgasm that night.

Today I can definitely say that Clarissa is more than just a friend. I can honestly say I love her in a romantic way. I do have a lot of problems though. I have a lot of internal and external conflicts that are eating away at me.

#1 Am I a lesbian if I am only attracted to one girl?

#2 I love Clarissa very much and I never want to hurt her, but I am still attracted to guys and I am worried that might someday cause problems.

#3 My parents are both Christians and they would completely freak out if they ever found out.

#4 I am Christian and I am having trouble dealing with my feelings v/s what church tells us.

#5 Secretly I feel guilty when we are very intimate.

#6 I feel extremely guilty about the, 'sleepovers,' because I know my parents would not approve.

#7 I have a constant fear of people finding out.

#8 How do I put these feelings into a place where I can better understand them.

Right now I am really confused because I cannot reconcile how I feel. I was hoping wring all this out would help me figure things out, but it has not. Anyhow... I would appreciate any outside insights.

Katelyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 9:03pm


First off, welcome. You were given some very good suggestions in going a website where you might feel more comfortable. Second, your attitude is very disrepectful. But since you have some valid questions, not all of them can be answer clearly.

1. Being a lesbian is more than being attracted to another woman. It's much deeper than that.

2. Since you are still a young lady, you have time to figure out your sexuality. No one person or a group of people can give you an answer to this question.

3. I really don't have an answer to this one. Parents are the ones that are responsible for your safety.

4. Religious beliefs vs personal beliefs always contradict each other.

5. If this is how you feel, then maybe you should tell Clarissa about your feelings.

6. refer to response 5.

7. In my opinion, if you keep your feelings to yourself, until you figure out what they are, then they won't know.

8. The only other place to find out how you feel is with other young lesbians. There are some young lesbians that maybe one or two years older than you that can help you figure out how to deal with your feelings.

It would be more appropriate if you went to a safer space.

Thanks

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 10:08pm

Hi Katelyn


Sorry you didn't feel welcomed here but we don't often get teenagers at the site and the ladies were just trying to be helpful.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 2:57pm

Hi Katelyn and welcome to the board.


First off, you are not being dissed for being young hunny. I've posted here for over 5 years, and this this is a very welcoming and warm group of people.

Robin

 **Please remember to sign your organ donor card...it can save someone's life**   

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:47pm

Hello and welcome to the board. Here it is straight up. IMHO, your doing what I did when I was young, only my situation was the opposite. I had a male friend that I did things with that really felt uncomfortable for me. If I was in your shoes I would first try hard to figure out if you really have a true sexual attraction to this girl. Faking that your feeling something when you really aren't is hard to pull off. Try staying away for awhile and see how much you really do miss her. Is it friendship and perhaps the sex? Or maybe just friendship? Believe me when I say this...if your not feeling like a sick puppy dog and can't wait to feel her in your arms, then maybe it's not the right thing.

With my first love we were just friends and yet we found ways to get close to each other, like wrestling. We were jocks! lol The wrestling felt good and we had great fun. Then we started to linger in each others arms and then the rest is ancient history.

My daughter is your age, actually turning 18 on the 19th of this month. She considered whether she might be bi about a year ago. We talked about her feelings and I never really encouraged her to talk about the girl she was interested in. Her interest in the girl went away and she went back to dating guys. It was her own choice. Now she has a great boyfriend and they are very happy together. I want my children to be happy no matter who they choose to be with.

Your parents are going to be a challenge later on if you do decide to be with this girl. No way around that one. As far as your Christianity is concerned, you have been raised to believe that homosexuality is wrong in God's eyes. Thus your feelings of guilt. I struggled with that problem also when I started dating my first love. Through the years I have done and participated in many bible studies and have found many sections of the bible that go unchallenged by most Christians. Christians have a tendency to stand behind God's cloak to justify their contentment for the gay community and they have learned to ignore the real reason Jesus was sacrificed on the cross. A debate that I love to talk about and will let go for now.

Ting, SB and the other ladies gave you great advice. Personally, I really don't think you are a lesbian or Bi. Of course I can be completely wrong! lol Only you can find that answer for yourself. When you make your decision, go easy on your friend and let her know how special she is to you. If she chooses to walk away then let her go. Easier said than done! On the other hand if you do decide that your a lesbian, then someone will have to send a toaster to your girl friend for bringing you out!! That's just a joke. Good luck to you.

hugs


halo

hugs

halo