The Awakening

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
The Awakening
8
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 9:41pm

Well, here I am, a 41 year-old woman, who's finally accepting that I have more than just passing feelings for women.

I first noticed it when I was about 12. Instead of liking the guys, I had a crush on "Jo" from Facts of Life. Ha ha! What I remember most about that is knowing somehow, that I couldn't tell anyone. It was a "secret".

Throughout the years, I've been married and had children, as many women who come to terms with this later in life have. I've also had interests in other women, though they were almost always movie stars or singers, (unattainable, so I don't have to feel "guilty" for being attracted to them???)

Background (for those interested) I'm in a relationship with a younger woman, (28) who lives 9 hours away from me in TN. At first we worked together and were just good friends, then it just gradually evolved into this. I moved out of state right about the time we were figuring out that there is something serious between us. I've been here about a month now & we've managed to see each other every weekend since. We both know it can't stay like this, and we both admit we've gotten spoiled.

A couple of things that I find myself thinking about are that:

1). If this were a male/female relationship, it would be a bit scandalous due to the age difference, yet that doesn't seem to be a factor to either of us. I've seen on message boards, etc., that it's pretty common among same-sex relationships.

2). Since it's a new relationship (about 4 months now), is it reasonable to expect that it can survive the distance? Relationships of any sort are hard enough without adding complications such as same-sex and distance.

3). The sexual part of it hasn't been enjoyed by both of us yet. Ummm...how much am I allowed to talk about this? I'll be delicate. She has brought me to orgasm on a few occassions by hand, but isn't ready to allow me to do that for her. While many people would feel they have the best of both worlds this way, I don't. I ache with the desire to please her & be the reason that she feels the amazing sensations that sex offers. (And not just by hand...*wink*) While I'm not normally the most patient individual, I find that I'm completely willing to wait. The question is...should I ask her to not do that for me, either? I love what she does for me, but I'd prefer to make love WITH her.

4). I really want someone to talk about this stuff with & wonder if there are any chat rooms that anyone knows of where I can build a friendship with some other bi-sexual or lesbian women and bounce thoughts around with them. Some days I just feel overwhelmed with this whole thing, and I want to shout out how I feel. It's a little crazy, but I feel so alive, so in tune with who I am. So...(dare I say it?) happy!

Ok...dang! Looks like I about wrote a book here. Any comments? Suggestions? I'm open to it all! Lovin' life.

Spring SiggyBlinkie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: whoambi
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 12:18am

Hi Whoambi and Welcome..
I'de have to say..... now days.... or at least for me ,I suppose..... in most situations


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: whoambi
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 7:29am

Hi Whoambi! thwelcome2yellow.jpg


I am glad you found us and I hope you will feel comfortable and at home here. This is a great place to ask questions and get to know other lesbians and bisexuals.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: whoambi
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:21am

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


It's great to have you here, whoambi! Welcome to our world! Your relationship reminds me of Caly's and mine after we first met as far as being so far apart. She was in Vermont, and I was/am in Tennessee. The 10 months we were apart was VERY difficult, but we made it, and we maintained as close of a relationship as we have now.


My discovery of the GLBT community and how I fit in was much like yours. I had crushes on girls from a very young age, but never did anything about it until I started deeply

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
In reply to: whoambi
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:49pm

Thanks to all of you for your responses & thoughts.

I'm a big believer in communication. She says she is too, but it's more difficult for her. I'm a pretty much "what-you-see-is-what-you-get" kind of woman. She's more private, and more likely to talk to me (about difficult subjects) through written communication such as email or IM than in person. We keep journals and exchange them when we see each other...that helps with the distance. We have a running joke about communication being the key to this whole thing.

I guess I said all that to say that we've talked about the sexual issues. She says she's just not ready, that in her experience it complicates things. She's definately NOT an asexual person. There have been some extremely heated moments, and I can tell it's hard for her to stop. This past weekend, she said that she didn't know why she was waiting. We have a weekend at a log cabin in the mountains coming up between Christmas & New Years. It would be a perfect time, and I almost feel that she's waiting for that, to make it even more special.

I've wondered if there might have been some sexual abuse in her past. I typically recognize that in others, having been assaulted by my father. We haven't discussed that yet. It's an area that must be tread upon very lightly. If not that, then maybe she gave that part of herself to someone who used her & treated her poorly. I think there is some injury there somehow, somewhere, which is why I'll cherish it even more than normal when she shares it with me.

I appreciate the welcome that I've gotten here. I'll be sticking around! :)

Spring SiggyBlinkie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: whoambi
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:03pm

Glad we could help! I love the journal idea! What a wonderful way to share your thoughts. I think the written word is very powerful. I can often express my thoughts better in writing too.


And I admire you for being patient with her and following her lead with regard to opening up sexually. You sound incredibly supportive. I'm sure the log cabin getaway will be a very special way to connect.


Glad you're here!


Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: whoambi
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 6:52pm

Hey again Whoambi!


I just wanted to jump in and say there is nothing wrong with communicating thru writing if that works.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
In reply to: whoambi
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 9:33pm

Hello!! That's great that you're coming to terms with who you are. I'm excited for you that you've meet someone that makes you happy, thats the most important thing of all. Age difference doesn't matter! You can't help who you love. I hope everything works out between you two and I think if you've gone 4 months and you trust her and vs versa distance shouldn't be a problem. If you need someone to talk with send me an email. I love sharing stories and just having someone to talk with. I'm always around!!

Stacie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
In reply to: whoambi
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 12:38pm
I dated men until 27 years old. I was 28 when I finally dated a woman. It clashed with my beliefs though. I am a christian. I finally came to full terms with being a lesbian at 31. I know exactly what you are talking about. Personally I prefer older women so I see nothing wrong with you being with a 28 year old. When I was 12 I had a crush on Alyssa Milano! I always had crushes on women yet never on boys. The funny thing was I did not think it made me gay just unique. When I was exactly 16 I suddenly decided ok it was time to start dating. I found some guy that seemed sort of femme and we dated. I have only had maybe 3 serious boyfriends and dated a total of 5 men. My friends thought it was odd that I had tons of men wanting to date me yet my love life was very slow. That is when I began to question because I would see a woman and feel excited. I would see a man and even if he was good looking feel nothing. I had to be talked into dating every single man that I have ever dated. I always just gave the guy a chance and thought perhaps I will learn to like him. I am so glad that I finally accepted it. I am glad that you accepted it for yourself; instead of regretting at the end of your life.