Putting out feelers
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| Sat, 12-16-2006 - 9:41pm |
ok, here goes nothing. I realize this: that if I met someone and they did not accept me for who I am , then they are not worthy of me, right ? Sounds good, don't always feel it, but sounds good. My self-esteem took a real beating the last couple of years when I decided to leave an 8 yr. relationship nearly two yrs. ago, because we were having problems and she would not make any effort to fix them, would not fight for us. So there was no reason for me to stay.
One of the problems was that she had a difficult time with me being nearly totally deaf. She was the only person i've ever met in my life who always seemed mad at me for being so.
She also shut down on our physical relationship the 2nd year...and more or less felt I had to accept this if I wanted to be with her. I don't feel sex is THE most important part, ok ? But there was no reason, (like a disability or perhaps she had been abused at one point)that she could not seek some sort of Help to kick start her libido or go to couple's counseling, her own counseling...whatever. So after being constantly turned away, it eventually got to me. .She kept telling me "It's not you." But this went on for 6 more years.But I stayed faithful. I just ate my pain away.And gained weight.
She was a big woman, bigger than I. Suddenly I was too big for her. Eventually it all became too much for me and my deppression kicked back in, I was diagnosed bi-polar and had occassional panic attacks. *I* sought counseling, got medications, stayed patient...until I just couldn't anymore.
So gang, I just went thru my hearing for a 5 yr. old SSDI case (I believe I won it), am on medications for depression/anxiety and manic -depression, and am nearly totally deaf.I want to make a note here that I believe the Media blows stories all out of proportion about those who are depressed and especially those w/bi-polar. I have never wanted to kill anyone, been promiscuous, or ran up a huge shopping bill. That pisses me off because I can see how it would scare someone.
I'd also like to add that altho' I am a plus size woman, I have not always been one and am trying to lose the weight, but need to love me just as I am. And I Do think I am attractive.
I Know I am a great lover. I have tons of great attributes. Am an incredible artist and see a bright future for me with my art.But this deal threw me for a loop. I am wondering if I'll ever be able to trust another woman again, ya know ?
SO.......WOULD yOU DATE ME ? I know that this is probably a self-defeating exercise....but I want to get a consensus of the general lesbian population..what you think....Honestly.
But be gentle, wouldya ?
Designergrl47

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Hello designergrl, my name is Sebastian Bruce, otherwise known as SB, if you've been lurking you will know who I am. I'm a transexual female to male. Ok, with the brief introductions out of the way.
I've been in this community for four or five years now, and the ladies know just about everything about me, and they accept me anyway. I've met at least two of the women that either lurk here or have posted, irl. And, I guess I didn't appeal to them in one respect or another. Everyone here knows that my favorite topic is sex, but I've stopped because, I don't want any misunderstandings to happen because of it.
If you would like to see what I look like, just go to the link for the board website and that's me.
I always approach potential girlfriends or mates as friends, so that we can get to know each other first, and as the trust builds, then I let them know about my bipolar disorder and if they are interested in the car accident that I was in 5yrs ago, then I tell them the story. I used to be in a wheelchair, and I used to use a walker, but now I use a cane to become more mobile, and if things go like they are supposed to I will be driving a vehicle.
I've been in relationships with women that have been abused by men, and I've been on the receiving end of the mental, verbal and emotional abuse. It's true, I could have walked away, but I knew if I did, I would have went back. I treated each and everyone one of them well and with love, and they said the same thing also "It's not you, it's me". Eventually they left, and they wanted to come back, but I told them all flat out "no", and I meant it.
I know that sex isn't THE only thing in a relationship, either. I've been told by a woman that doesn't post here that often, that I have a healthy sex drive and nothing is wrong with that.
I look at it this way, I know that I'm attractive and desirable to any woman that will accept me as I am, because I accept me as I am. Nothing beats loving self, before loving anyone else, first.
I'm kind of backward in the trust department, I trust a woman, until she's given me a reason not to trust her. But that's just me.
May I make a gentle suggestion and work on loving and trusting yourself, first before you expect anyone else to trust and love you?
Hugs,
Sebastian
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
Hey DG!
First off let me say this-
Let me ask you the question instead, "Would you date you?"
It isn't about what anyone on this board thinks or what anyone anywhere thinks. It is more about what you think about you. What do you really feel? Only you can answer that question. Bottom line is this and I'm not telling you something you don't already know- you got to love you first.
It seems to me that you are looking for acceptance. But, you will not ever find happiness in outward acceptance. You must find that acceptance inside yourself. Accept and love yourself and you will attract others who accept and love themselves. And, then you will experience healthy relationships because you are not looking for someone to give you the acceptance. No one can give you that.
I wish you the best during this holiday season and beyond,
mac_dreamy
Wow, thanks a lot ladies. Yes, I think that it is true that I have to first accept myself, love myself before another person can. I'm working on that.Would *I* date me...yes..and maybe. I would Love to have that first blush of a new romance right now...but if things got serious....I don't know. Maybe not yet...for a while.
So the social groups seem the best thing for me right now. And I am going to church today for the first time in a while and looking forward to it.
Thanks for the things you wrote about SB. Nice to know I am not alone.
off to my day...w/a smile on my face.
Designergrl47
"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"
The outer package often does not reveal the goodies wrapped inside.
Pieces of My Life
Thanks Nursepam. You hit the nail on the proverbial head alright.
My ex was ...is a Nurse.
Designergrl47
"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"
and I just read a while on your blog. I think I'm in "love". (grin) Just kidding. One of the things that Soooo attracted me to my ex was here high intelligence. Except , of course, when she lost me. Anyway, thanks for what you said and ergo...leading me to your blog and the links on it. I really enjoyed them.
Designergl47
"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"
Designergrl, I think you sound like a very dynamic, caring, and intelligent woman, qualities which most women would appreciate.
I really hope that your church social group will be a great source of friendship and possibly romance! It's great that you are exploring different avenues to meet friends and thinking through what you want out of a relationship.
By the way, I am also bipolar, on the depressive side. There are so many misconceptions out there about it, and one of the best things you can find in a partner (as I have) is someone who is willing to understand the illness and be willing to help you through the rough times. This illness CAN be treated successfully through medication and counseling, and if you're willing to do what it takes to manage it, then that shouldn't be an issue in your relationships.
Take care and good luck!
Hi Designergrl,
Hi there,
I wish I'd have come up with the line Lori did about how most of us hear perfectly well, but don't listen, while you have impaired hearing, but seem to communicate better than average.
I'm a "fixer", and often guilty of not truly listening to people. I hear the first part of the problem & immediately start trying to figure out how I'm gonna fix this situation for the other person. I do this in most aspects of my world...friends, work, my kids, everywhere. Sometimes, though, the other person only needs an ear, not for me to try to magically fix everything. (To stop doing that is my current self-improvement goal!)
Anyway, I digress. I think you're on the right track when you say that you know you must love yourself first. We all know that, but it is much easier for most of us to say than to actually do.
I've finally, just in the past year and a half, reached the point where I can honestly say that I think I'm attractive and that yes, I would date myself. I'm intelligent, dynamic, organized, a little bit of an OCD neat-freak (yes, my canned goods all have the labels the same direction and the boxed goods are in order according to type, then height), caring, interesting, passionate and funny as hell. Who wouldn't date me?? Ha! Lots of people, apparently. I've also made peace with that fact in the past year or so.
Keep in touch with us & let us know how you're progressing in the healing process.
~Storm
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