Putting out feelers
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| Sat, 12-16-2006 - 9:41pm |
ok, here goes nothing. I realize this: that if I met someone and they did not accept me for who I am , then they are not worthy of me, right ? Sounds good, don't always feel it, but sounds good. My self-esteem took a real beating the last couple of years when I decided to leave an 8 yr. relationship nearly two yrs. ago, because we were having problems and she would not make any effort to fix them, would not fight for us. So there was no reason for me to stay.
One of the problems was that she had a difficult time with me being nearly totally deaf. She was the only person i've ever met in my life who always seemed mad at me for being so.
She also shut down on our physical relationship the 2nd year...and more or less felt I had to accept this if I wanted to be with her. I don't feel sex is THE most important part, ok ? But there was no reason, (like a disability or perhaps she had been abused at one point)that she could not seek some sort of Help to kick start her libido or go to couple's counseling, her own counseling...whatever. So after being constantly turned away, it eventually got to me. .She kept telling me "It's not you." But this went on for 6 more years.But I stayed faithful. I just ate my pain away.And gained weight.
She was a big woman, bigger than I. Suddenly I was too big for her. Eventually it all became too much for me and my deppression kicked back in, I was diagnosed bi-polar and had occassional panic attacks. *I* sought counseling, got medications, stayed patient...until I just couldn't anymore.
So gang, I just went thru my hearing for a 5 yr. old SSDI case (I believe I won it), am on medications for depression/anxiety and manic -depression, and am nearly totally deaf.I want to make a note here that I believe the Media blows stories all out of proportion about those who are depressed and especially those w/bi-polar. I have never wanted to kill anyone, been promiscuous, or ran up a huge shopping bill. That pisses me off because I can see how it would scare someone.
I'd also like to add that altho' I am a plus size woman, I have not always been one and am trying to lose the weight, but need to love me just as I am. And I Do think I am attractive.
I Know I am a great lover. I have tons of great attributes. Am an incredible artist and see a bright future for me with my art.But this deal threw me for a loop. I am wondering if I'll ever be able to trust another woman again, ya know ?
SO.......WOULD yOU DATE ME ? I know that this is probably a self-defeating exercise....but I want to get a consensus of the general lesbian population..what you think....Honestly.
But be gentle, wouldya ?
Designergrl47

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Thank you Allllll for your wonderful and heartfelt responses. I am also doing my best to try and forgive my ex(and myself) because whatever it was she felt (or not) was her stuff.
I currently live in a community of women, a feminist-based community, where we are supported by each other and are all working towards improving our lives.
The Reverend at the church I went to(who really is over-all a beautiful woman) radiated joy and peace within her self. She spoke of this time as withdrawing to do inner healing work and nurturing. Doing a bit more with my meditation and visualizations helps, too.
of course , there's the Ole' Lesbian Potluck that they have.
What fun ! Green bean casserole, anyone ?
Having a good day today...hugs and smooches to you all.
Designergrl47
"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"
I understand a very small part of what you're saying about your loss of hearing because I now have constant high pitched ringing in my right ear due to my use of power tools. In addition,my gf has lost a lot of her hearing because of the excessive noise at her workplace. One in a while I feel she's ignoring me
Dear DG:
Good for you for not staying in a dead-end relationship! It takes courage to end it!
My SO and I have been together for over 11 years. We are both big, and if you love each other IMHO you become attracted to what your love looks like. At least that's how it works with me.
From your picture, you look adorable and by your profile it sounds like you have a lot going for you. Sure you've got challenges. That's proof that you're certifiably human.
If you can't develop your love life right now, develop your health and your art. That will make you ever more attractive. Just keep moving toward the healthy and away from the hurtful. You should be fine.
Welcome, lezismore! Good to have you here!
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