lost and broken
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| Tue, 12-26-2006 - 1:42pm |
Hello.
I am new here and am looking for some sisterly advice. I'll try to keep this condensed-I was in a heterosexual, marriage for 13 years. I have 2 children, 8 and 11. In 2000, while still married, I met a woman, online. We then met in person when she was visiting my MA(she was from NC). There was an instant, mutual attraction however, I was married and I had no clue at the time that she was gay. The day we met, she was with another woman that she was sort of "with", which I later found out. After she returned back home, we talked ALOT. During these converstions, it took awhile, but things came out about her...finally. After about a month of conversation, she admitted that she was falling in love with me and that she was breaking it off with this other woman. I found it odd but I was definately having feelings for her too. Anyway, that statement turned my world upside down. We started sneaking around to see each other. In time, my husband caught on and made things very ugly for me. He told me he would still have me if I stopped all communication with her. I couldn't do it...I NEEDED her in my life. She knew what I had given up to be with her. She would tell me, "One day, I will be up there with you and we will be together". She once told me that she wanted my divorce papers as her b-day gift. Needless to say, I got divorced and started a life on my own with my 2 children. At some point, during the course of our 6 year relationship, her ideas about coming to MA changed. She said that her parents were aging and that they would one day need her - she now had no plans of leaving NC and I couldn't leave MA because of the divorce agreement. Despite her change of plans, we managed to be together every 6-8 weeks, without failure. It was very hard on both of us every time we had to part but we always hung on for the next time. I loved her with all of my heart and soul and it was what I had to do to be with her. Despite the distance, it was a beautiful love. However, the distance of our relationship forced me to live 2 lives - the life with my love and the life as single "soccer mom". I didn't discuss my "private life" with many people as I wanted my kids to feel as "normal" as possible. Anyway, at the beginning of this nov. it was becoming very clear to my love and I that due to many reasons beyond our control, getting together this christmas was going to be impossible. This, unfortunately lead us to agree that maintaining a LDR was getting VERY hard. We decided to chill a bit and see what would be best for both of us. In the meanwhile, one week after this discussion, 2 days after my 40th, she implys that she has met someone within the last 2 weeks and that she had fallen for this person and a week after that she was already "in love". She stopped ALL contact with me. I did manage to get her on the phone or through e-mail every now and then but she had become so cold to me, her voice showed very little emotion to was I was suffering through. ALl she could say was "I am sorry, I didn't plan on this". SHE had moved on and I was/am left in misery. As much as it hurts, I have to accept that she has moved on however, the one thing that I have asked her for, she will not grant me. I have asked her for a more personal break-up. After 6 years,I feel that she owes me the respect of a face to face. She tells me that she can't do that. Her first reason was that she now had to consider the feelings of her new love and more recently, she said that it would be too emotional for her. Of course it would be emotional! Am I wrong in wanting this? I left my husband and home for this woman, she is treating me no better than a one nite stand. Now, I sit here, in between 2 lives, not really knowing where I fit in. My everyday life does not lend me the support that I need to get through this. I find myself seeking the support of my gay, male friends, who knew us as a couple and unfortunately live in GA. Could she really have switched her feelings so quickly or did lonliness get the best of her?
My apologies for the lengthy post, Thanks for reading.

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(((((((brknhrt)))))))
I am so sorry.
Pieces of My Life
Hi Pam,
Thanks for your supportive response....and the hugs. I do need all the positive reinforcement and hugs, I can get. I am having a REAL hard time bouncing back from this one. When my husband and I split,I felt the loss of family and security but hardly the loss of him. All I can do today is mourn the loss of my love and our times together and dream of a day that she may realize what she lost in me and come running back. Is this too naive of me? Be truthful.
Are you implying that the instant shift in emotions from my X-partner or the fact that she will not give me the respect of a dignified break-up are classic behavior of the lesbian community? Why is this?
Donna
>Is this too naive of me? Be truthful.
It's not so much naive as it is a common and all too human response to the loss of a love.
Pieces of My Life
Donna. just my experience. When I was 31 I was involved for a sort time with (what turned out to be a 19 yr.old...she told me she was 25).She gave me one piece of good information about lesbians...or even lesbian life. She said "Even women can be a** holes.". She was right.
Not a lot of "experienced lesbians" want to bring "out" women. And those who do (in my experience), are predators. Anyone who is still involved (legally or otherwise) with someone and gets involved with another...is both cheating Themselves and everyone else involved.Please understand...this was Not meant as a Judgement....I say this with the utmost kindness(because I, too, have done this). It seems like you were faced with the first blush of your true sexuality. Yet in terms of healthy interractions, be a Lesbian in your own Skin...before you become sexual with someone. One can Be a lesbian and be a virgin or celibate their entire life. It's not about Sex....altho'(croooked smile) the "outlaw-ness" about it spices it up a bit.
When I first came out...it was during my next to last drinking periods(I am in recovery with over 15 years of sobriety now)....the women's group I was going to was like a virtual candy store...and I opened up one meeting. I said, "I really want to hear all that you have to say about how you stay sober and how you live life with out drinking and using, but all I can do these days when I come in here(where I feel most comfortable) is Undress you with my eyes...and I cannot Hear what you are saying."
One very wise and long time sober and out woman told me "We love you enough Not to lie down with you." THAT, my dear, is perhaps the type of women you might wnat to find to hang out with.....to get comfortable with your sexuality, your Tribe, your Community...and all the Wonderful and amazing things about us...our Herstory. Church groups, social groups......you can find them. Then Make friends....get comfortable in your own skin...then the rest will fall into place.
Phew ! I hadn't written that much in while.
Take care,
Brandy (designergrl47)
"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"
(((brknhrt)))
I'm really sorry for the heartbreak you're feeling. If we did a poll of women coming out, especially coming from long-term relationships with men, I bet we'd find a great many stories mirroring yours.
In your post you say, 'she knew what I had given up to be with her'. She's given up things to be with you as well though. A six-year, long-distance relationship is sure to have taken it's toll on BOTH of you.
Brandy,
Thank you for taking the time and putting so much thought into my situation. I find your insight truly helpful. Many congrats on your successful sobriety.
Yes, my partner had never been in a heterosexual relationship other than a brief, non-sexual relationship in high school. I did always question myself, however, I did what family and society expected of me. There was not a soul who knew me who would have suspected anything about me. Although I was married for 13 years, I NEVER felt the connection with my husband, either emotionally or physically that I felt with my partner. She and I had such intense passion and understanding. She convinced me that WE were soulmates and I believed it. I thought that I was the end of the line for her and felt that I needed to do anything possible to be with her. With that being said...we then had to face the stress and lonliness of a long distance relationship. I always had my 2 children to come home to...she had a dog.
Perhaps, once she outed me, she did have the thoughts that I would go back to men (although my husband was the only man I had ever been "with"). In the beginning of our relationship, she would flat out ask me if I would. For awhile, I could sense a bit of insecurity from her and then I think that my loyalty and deep intimacy we shared convinced her otherwise. You have to remember...I never brought myself "out",she came in and then my husband threw me out of the closet! To this day...I don't think that anyone close to me really wants to believe that is what I am about and I have to say, my kids don't know. They are young and I really don't know how to expose them to it. They never spent time with my X-partner and I as our time together was so limited, given our distance, we always took it to be alone. They just knew her to be my very best friend who lived out of state and would send them gifts.
You are right, I have not had the opportunity to be comfortable in my own skin and I realize that this was probably an issue although it was never discussed much. I think when another woman came along who announced herself as "family" ,no long distance thing and showed a genuine interest in her...she jumped on it without giving me a second thought.It was that easy for her, no kids, no husband, no long distance... I can't get over how fast she has fallen for this woman! After 4 weeks she is "in love" and I hear through friends that this woman has already asked her if she would marry/commit herself to her...Is that fast in lesbian life???
Seems insane to me! Although when I think about it...she and I moved rather quickly to be intimate too. We were long distance phone friends for 3 months before we were intimate. She just always convinced me that it was love at first sight when she met me and that I was her dream come true...come on, who wouldn't want to believe those words?? Needless to say, I fell hard which is why it hurts so much today. Funny thing, when she fell for me she told me that she was breaking all of the relationship rules that she had set for herself - she would never date anyone who was married, had kids or lived long distance...everything I was. If only we thought more with our heads...
Whewwwwww! So sorry for the lengthy e-mail. Your response has helped me to open up to someone. Thank you for that. It's a long recovery I have ahead of me...
Donna
To this day...I don't think that anyone close to me really wants to believe that is what I am about and I have to say, my kids don't know. They are young and I really don't know how to expose them to it.
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Donna, you'd be suprised how may of our family and friends Know before we do. (smile) As far as "exposing" your kids to who you are...you will, I trust, use your best judgement on that. If your kids pick up from you that there is either shame or that who you are, you feel is Wrong, they will believe that as well. With my little girl(she was 6 then)my then partner and I just were..together. We did not make a big deal out of who we were, went to PTA meetings or parent/teacher conferrences together, were affectionate to each other...and that being with as much Love and discretion as when I was in a heterosexual relationship.If a child senses that affection is hiddden or wrong, they pick up on it. We were easy about who we were...and loving with her included. But she Also saw that affection being displayed between me, my partner(then) and our women friends(both gay and str8) when they were around. Hugs, tears, laughter, cheek kisses abound in our household.
Unfortunately for me and that time, so was alcoholism and abuse from my partner...so we split. Check out groups such as PFLAG or groups of lesbian mothers. You can do a search on Yahoo and that is about All you will find. We Are Everywhere !(smile)
Brandy
"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"
Hmmmmmm...yes, very blunt, however, I understand the points that you make and I appreciate your candidness. They are valid. It was VERY hard on her as well, I always knew this. However, in order to be with her, I changed my life as much as was legally possible (Divorce tied me to MA until kids are 18).
Maybe if you had more of an understanding of the way this went down? I don't know...I could be fooling myself. I still hold strong to the fact that we owe each other the respect of a face to face breakup, nothing more, nothing less.
Given our distance, we have no chance of "bumping into" each other. Up to the day that she found and went on a date with this new woman, we were professing our love to each other and talking 3-4 times a day, although the feelings of hopelessness were hitting us both hard, we had agreed that we were going to help each other through this. All of a sudden...BAM! Goodbye Donna! You've been replaced! Where's the respect in that?
Thank you for taking the time to reply. It always helps to hear from other perspectives.
Donna
Thank you once again Brandy, I'll check it out. It is hard not having any lesbian friends.
I have to say, if my X-partner had been here, in MA. My children would have had much more exposure to her/us. Selfishly, she and I always kept our limited time to ourselves and very rarely allowed others in.
I have made a vow to myself, if the "right" person ever does enter my life...my kids will be more involved.
Donna
Hello Donna, my name is Sebastian.
LDR are hard to maintain. I've had some experience with them and they aren't the easiest things to have. I was briefly involved in a one-sided long distance relationship. Well, I went to go and visit the woman that I had fallen in love with, for a week. Well, things didn't work out. But that's ok, because at least I knew that I was serious about how I felt about her, and it had become painfully obvious to me, when I got home, that she wasn't interested in keeping things going, and instead of telling me on the phone, or while I was with her, she waited until I got home. She sent me an email to tell me that she wasn't interested in me, and believe me, I was hurt and angry. But in my heart, I have forgiven her and I have moved on. She has asked me not to try to get in touch with her, and I have complied with her wish.
Even though we "knew" each other online and sent emails to each other, and briefly talked on the phone, it turns out that she was only leading me on. As Pam has suggested, the person that you have a LDR with doesn't get to see you on a daily basis, so they don't know what you do, and they only tell you, what they want you to know.
So, take this opportunity to heal and learn this valueable lesson. Believe me, it's a lesson that I know in, out, forward and backward.
Hugs,
Sebastian
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
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