lost and broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
lost and broken
32
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 1:42pm

Hello.
I am new here and am looking for some sisterly advice. I'll try to keep this condensed-I was in a heterosexual, marriage for 13 years. I have 2 children, 8 and 11. In 2000, while still married, I met a woman, online. We then met in person when she was visiting my MA(she was from NC). There was an instant, mutual attraction however, I was married and I had no clue at the time that she was gay. The day we met, she was with another woman that she was sort of "with", which I later found out. After she returned back home, we talked ALOT. During these converstions, it took awhile, but things came out about her...finally. After about a month of conversation, she admitted that she was falling in love with me and that she was breaking it off with this other woman. I found it odd but I was definately having feelings for her too. Anyway, that statement turned my world upside down. We started sneaking around to see each other. In time, my husband caught on and made things very ugly for me. He told me he would still have me if I stopped all communication with her. I couldn't do it...I NEEDED her in my life. She knew what I had given up to be with her. She would tell me, "One day, I will be up there with you and we will be together". She once told me that she wanted my divorce papers as her b-day gift. Needless to say, I got divorced and started a life on my own with my 2 children. At some point, during the course of our 6 year relationship, her ideas about coming to MA changed. She said that her parents were aging and that they would one day need her - she now had no plans of leaving NC and I couldn't leave MA because of the divorce agreement. Despite her change of plans, we managed to be together every 6-8 weeks, without failure. It was very hard on both of us every time we had to part but we always hung on for the next time. I loved her with all of my heart and soul and it was what I had to do to be with her. Despite the distance, it was a beautiful love. However, the distance of our relationship forced me to live 2 lives - the life with my love and the life as single "soccer mom". I didn't discuss my "private life" with many people as I wanted my kids to feel as "normal" as possible. Anyway, at the beginning of this nov. it was becoming very clear to my love and I that due to many reasons beyond our control, getting together this christmas was going to be impossible. This, unfortunately lead us to agree that maintaining a LDR was getting VERY hard. We decided to chill a bit and see what would be best for both of us. In the meanwhile, one week after this discussion, 2 days after my 40th, she implys that she has met someone within the last 2 weeks and that she had fallen for this person and a week after that she was already "in love". She stopped ALL contact with me. I did manage to get her on the phone or through e-mail every now and then but she had become so cold to me, her voice showed very little emotion to was I was suffering through. ALl she could say was "I am sorry, I didn't plan on this". SHE had moved on and I was/am left in misery. As much as it hurts, I have to accept that she has moved on however, the one thing that I have asked her for, she will not grant me. I have asked her for a more personal break-up. After 6 years,I feel that she owes me the respect of a face to face. She tells me that she can't do that. Her first reason was that she now had to consider the feelings of her new love and more recently, she said that it would be too emotional for her. Of course it would be emotional! Am I wrong in wanting this? I left my husband and home for this woman, she is treating me no better than a one nite stand. Now, I sit here, in between 2 lives, not really knowing where I fit in. My everyday life does not lend me the support that I need to get through this. I find myself seeking the support of my gay, male friends, who knew us as a couple and unfortunately live in GA. Could she really have switched her feelings so quickly or did lonliness get the best of her?

My apologies for the lengthy post, Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 9:31pm

Pam...YOU are a WISE woman. Your insight is dead on and your advice is well received.

Yes, the stress of an LDR was something that was taking a toll on both of us and we knew it. I believed that if we decided together, that it was truly time to move on, we were going to have each other to lean on as our friendship was always the cornerstone of our relationship. The irony of that was, once I was replaced as the object of her affection, she had no use for me and it was I who needed her more than ever.

You are right about the fear of my "going back to men", at least in the beginning of our relationship, this was something that she would periodically ask me about. I think that my commitment and loyalty to her and only her for 6 years, helped her with that insecurity. At least I thought it did. I had no intensions of going to a man.

A very good, gay male friend of ours has been a huge emotional crutch for me. He asked me the other day, "would you ever go back to a man?" I answered him with "for me, being in NO relationship is far better than being in the WRONG relationship." Although, my x-husband was the only man that I was ever "with", I know that I never had the feelings of intimacy, passion and level of comfort that I had with my x-partner. I crave that connection again and I won't settle for less.

Thanks again,
Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 9:49pm

Thank you Sebastian. I appreciate your reply.

Ouch...that's cold. Yes..LDR's suck! However, for years she lead me to believe that it was only a matter of time before we would be together. Years into it, that tune changed. I did all I could to make it happen but she was unwilling to make a move. In retrospect, I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to leave the only home I knew either. I honestly didn't know why she ever said that she would.

WE did spend the weekend or longer together every 6-8 weeks and logged countless hours on the telephone during the course of 6 years. I felt that there wasn't anything that we didn't know about each other. Yes there were things that rubbed me the wrong way, as I am sure there was for her however, nothing that I couldn't have lived very happily with. When people would ask her how she could do the LDR, she would reply "we are in love". I thought that was enough...in the end it wasn't. I think her lonliness got the best of her.

I still feel that we owe each other the respect of a dignified break-up after 6 loving years. It needs to be more personal.

Thanks for your words,
Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 1:07am
Hi Donna.. and Welcome~..Nice name By The Way ...*Big Smile~
I am sorry things have turned in the direction they have and believe me I know the hurts of bad relationships.. Bad choices.. and being decieved.. as well as

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 7:21am

Thank you so much for your kind words. You are right, I am finding that this is a very cool place to come, talk and get some wonderful, supportive advice.

You are right about my X-she is going to do exactly what benefits her right now. She doesn't want me to interfere with what she has going on in her "new" relationship. Perhaps it is a bit "Polly Anna-like" of me to think that if she has the oportunity to see me, she will realize that there are still feelings there....hmmmmm...dream-much? The last time I saw her was August, I traveled to NC to celebrate her 40th with her. We had a great time, with friends. If I had known that was going to be the last time I would be with her...I would have held her a lot longer when we said our goodbyes...

You are also right about my kids. It is me and them and they need me...and I need them. I just am having a real hard time not letting thoughts of my X consume my entire day. I go to bed talking to pictures of her and she is the first thing that pops into my head wwhe I wake in the AM. I am growing to highly resent her because I am now allowing her to steal valuable time away from MY life.

I know I will heal...it is just, right now...today...I don't know how to conduct my life without thoughts of her. She was such a big part of me. Some people compare break-ups to death and I see that however, this person is still walking this earth and I can't be with her.

Thanks again for you kind words.

Be well,
Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:31am

Hi Brknhrt,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:45am

HI Donna!


thwelcome2green.jpg


Let me start by saying that even though I know its hard, the best thing you can do at this point is let your X go.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

Avatar for nursepam2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:09am

You are absolutely right in what you said to Sebastian.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 5:31pm

Hi Lori,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.Despite the fact that I feel so very alone, this message board is truly giving me the opportunity of realizing that I am NOT alone in my misery, so many of us have beeen there.

From the day I met my X, I felt nothing but love. At times almost smothering(not in a bad way), if that is at all possible in an LDR. We knew each other's every move and shared every detail of our day with each other 7 days a week until we were together again. We were extremely connected to each other from the start. Perhaps the fact that she gave me the attention and love that I had always craved in a relationship drew me to her even more. I just know that I had NEVER in my life experienced such intense feelings for someone, how could it NOT be right? Before I did get divorced, she would say to me, "are you sure this is what you want to do? I don't want to destroy what you have there". It would have been nice if I had a preminition that she had no intensions of making a move to be with me. Now, I am not saying that my marraige was right for me, and I am sure it wouldn't have lasted, however, my kids were 3 and 5 at the time I left my husband, and she was my catalyst for change. I had a tough job ahead of me...and it was/is. I am stronger for it.

It's a sad thing that now, that I sit here alone...pining for her...all I can do is think about, if given another chance, how I would do things differently for US. Honestly...I am not sure that there was any more that I could have done. I took it as far as I possibly could go at this point and time. I always believed that the universe would put us where we were supposed to be...ironically, I actually believed that meant, bring us together when the time was right, not break us apart.

I don't know if she will ever give me the "dignified break-up"(if there is such a thing) that I feel I so desperately need. In all honesty, I have tried to play it out in my mind over and over again and I really don't know how I imagine it to go. At times, I have these extreme feelings that I will just show up, unannounced and give her an unexpected meeting and then I think, I don't think that I could handle it if I was given a less than warm reception. Or, worse, if I was greeted by her and her NEW love, hand and hand...I just don't know. For now, I am sitting, waiting and hoping that she believes that I am worthy. It is just so weird, the last time we were together...nothing but love.

Thanks again and hugs back to you!
Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:02pm

Thanks Caly...this IS a wonderful group of ladies. I find your story somewhat similar to my own however, I am so glad that YOU had a happy outcome and my X had never known a heterosexual relationship or the frustrations that one feels while in one when they shouldn't be.

Fortunately, I have wonderful parents and sister who accept me for me however I think that in their own minds, they still hold out hope that I will find a "nice guy" and settle down again. NOT in the cards. NO relationship is better than the WRONG relationship, for me. My X-husband was and still is an ass as far as guys go and that has alot to do with my divorce. However, until I met my X, I didn't know what real love felt like. I am not so sure that any man is capable of giving me what I got from her...(except for maybe the pain that I am getting from her today.)

For many years of our 6 year relationship, my X would say to me, "you won't ever leave me, will you?" I NEVER had any intensions of leaving her and yes, life in an LDR was hard but it was all about the love. At this point, I don't know which one of us was the stronger one -her, because she had the strength to end it and move on or me, because I had the power to endure it...

Like you, I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. However, today, I am finding it very hard to believe this statement. I guess I am just not seeing the trees through the forest...yet.

Thanks again Caly,

Be well!
Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:08pm

Thank you again Pam. I AM searching for the strength to move forward. This anguish is taking valuable time from my life.

hugs to you!
Donna