lost and broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
lost and broken
32
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 1:42pm

Hello.
I am new here and am looking for some sisterly advice. I'll try to keep this condensed-I was in a heterosexual, marriage for 13 years. I have 2 children, 8 and 11. In 2000, while still married, I met a woman, online. We then met in person when she was visiting my MA(she was from NC). There was an instant, mutual attraction however, I was married and I had no clue at the time that she was gay. The day we met, she was with another woman that she was sort of "with", which I later found out. After she returned back home, we talked ALOT. During these converstions, it took awhile, but things came out about her...finally. After about a month of conversation, she admitted that she was falling in love with me and that she was breaking it off with this other woman. I found it odd but I was definately having feelings for her too. Anyway, that statement turned my world upside down. We started sneaking around to see each other. In time, my husband caught on and made things very ugly for me. He told me he would still have me if I stopped all communication with her. I couldn't do it...I NEEDED her in my life. She knew what I had given up to be with her. She would tell me, "One day, I will be up there with you and we will be together". She once told me that she wanted my divorce papers as her b-day gift. Needless to say, I got divorced and started a life on my own with my 2 children. At some point, during the course of our 6 year relationship, her ideas about coming to MA changed. She said that her parents were aging and that they would one day need her - she now had no plans of leaving NC and I couldn't leave MA because of the divorce agreement. Despite her change of plans, we managed to be together every 6-8 weeks, without failure. It was very hard on both of us every time we had to part but we always hung on for the next time. I loved her with all of my heart and soul and it was what I had to do to be with her. Despite the distance, it was a beautiful love. However, the distance of our relationship forced me to live 2 lives - the life with my love and the life as single "soccer mom". I didn't discuss my "private life" with many people as I wanted my kids to feel as "normal" as possible. Anyway, at the beginning of this nov. it was becoming very clear to my love and I that due to many reasons beyond our control, getting together this christmas was going to be impossible. This, unfortunately lead us to agree that maintaining a LDR was getting VERY hard. We decided to chill a bit and see what would be best for both of us. In the meanwhile, one week after this discussion, 2 days after my 40th, she implys that she has met someone within the last 2 weeks and that she had fallen for this person and a week after that she was already "in love". She stopped ALL contact with me. I did manage to get her on the phone or through e-mail every now and then but she had become so cold to me, her voice showed very little emotion to was I was suffering through. ALl she could say was "I am sorry, I didn't plan on this". SHE had moved on and I was/am left in misery. As much as it hurts, I have to accept that she has moved on however, the one thing that I have asked her for, she will not grant me. I have asked her for a more personal break-up. After 6 years,I feel that she owes me the respect of a face to face. She tells me that she can't do that. Her first reason was that she now had to consider the feelings of her new love and more recently, she said that it would be too emotional for her. Of course it would be emotional! Am I wrong in wanting this? I left my husband and home for this woman, she is treating me no better than a one nite stand. Now, I sit here, in between 2 lives, not really knowing where I fit in. My everyday life does not lend me the support that I need to get through this. I find myself seeking the support of my gay, male friends, who knew us as a couple and unfortunately live in GA. Could she really have switched her feelings so quickly or did lonliness get the best of her?

My apologies for the lengthy post, Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:34pm

Welcome, Donna! It's great to have you here.


I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. It is very tough to have an LDR. I can't imagine how hard maintaining one for 6 years would be!


Caly shared the story of how she and I met and became partners, and it was very hard to wait to be together. Fortunately, things fell into place for us, but it took a tremendous amount of strength to overcome the obstacles that arose.


Whether heterosexual or homosexual, being in a relationship takes work from both people in the relationship, and I do think it's disrespectful of her to be so unwilling to face you. It's not ok after that amount of time and strong professions of love to say "sorry, I found someone else and I'm walking away" and then expect you to just deal with it.


I hope you are able to find the strength you need to move on. And I hope you will keep talking to us. We have a great group here, ready to send out a hug or just chat whenever you need someone to talk to.


Take care.


Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 8:41pm

Hi broken heart my name is Debra I live in Georgia and I'm very sorry for your broken heart. I feel if she really was in love with you she would not have done you that way. I was once a player and she sounds like she is a player also. I have found my soul mate after looking for her for 20 years. She was also married for 14 years and before that 6 years she had no ideal what was going on with her life and why she felt the way she did about woman. I'm happy to say it was love at first sight. I have been a lesbian all my life and played games more then my fair share. She rocked my world and one day you will find the right woman for you. Alot of woman love to play games and it sounds like your woman is one of those woman. Please don't give up there is someone out there for you and she will be the one that will rock your world. It sounds like to me your ex is a player and has no reason to change. I know it hurts right now but in time you will be glad that she has broken up with you. I believe she has been seeing other people the whole time she was seeing you because if she had been in love with you she would have come out to where you live and told you in person it was over.

In response to the response that you had regarding the question do long life lesbian fear that their girlfriends will go back straight. Sometime I worry about it but it does not rule my life on the subject. Most woman that have been married have always been taken care of and being a Lesbian means you are taking care of yourself at times. I have found myself for the first time in my life that she at times is taking care of me and that has never happened before. No one has ever loved me enough to where they wanted to take care of me and I am not used to that. It overwhelms me at times. Life is good for me for the first time in my life....now I know being in love with someone is growing with them and sharing everything with them. Life is scary no matter who you are with because if you are truely in love with them you always wan't to make them happy. And that's the key word HAPPY.....

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 8:54pm

Quoted from Nursepam2000-
"Truth is a reality that we can deal with, sink our teeth into, wrestle with, and from which we can learn something about ourselves and our relationships. Often, it will take more time to heal when lies are involved."

You are so very right. Lies really hurt. They wound - lies do. And, just when you think you've healed - something happens. Something just happens. And it still hurts. The wound is still there. Then you feel angry because the wound is still there. But, you know one day it is going to be gone. One day- it will be gone. So you focus for that day. Weeks pass and you keep focusing for that day. That one day. The day it doesn't hurt anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:01pm

I ....... I........ *Smiles..... 2nd That!~
(((((((Hugs To You (Cuz)


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:16pm

Hi Debra, Thank you for your response. I actually have some good friends in East Point Georgia. Actually my X's new "love" is from Georgia and will be moving to Charlotte shortly for her job...YUK.

I would almost love to believe that my X is and was a "player", that would almost make it easier to comprehend her actions. But...her actions are so out of character for her. She is one of the most sensitive, caring people I know which makes this so very mind blowing to me. I have to believe that the LDR finally wore her down. Every time we would say goodbye...she would cry like a baby. It was me who always tried to build her up and remind her that we would be together again soon. It was a tough life, living apart. Yet, I always thought that the love would keep us together and eventually bring us together for good. I did what I could.

Your description of how your partner "rocked your world" and that we were "soulmates"(her favorite word) sounds EXACTLY what my X said about me.

I am sure in time...I will be where I am supposed to be.

Thanks for your thoughtful response, I am sure that one day I will find "happy" again...

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:52pm
Hey Ya!~~~

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:20pm

Hi Donna,

This is this the other half of gemini, Debra's partner, Brenda.. she was on my computer.. I read her your response. She was worried that she sounded silly, she doesn't jump on here verhttp://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhlesbianlif&msg=10912.1&ctx=0y often but she wanted to talk to you. First welcome to the board... You have come to a wonderful place, I do not get to come to the board as much as I would like but have met some wonderful people via the board and received some awesome advice here also. You have had some very insightful responses to your break up and we all feel for you. It is not fair that she broke up with you the way that she did, but to me it sounds as the easy way out or as Debra and some of the others have said that she was holding back from you.

I had known that I was miserable for a long time in my marriage also and I knew that I wanted to be with a woman but I also have a child and knew that my xh would not understand as it turns out my situation has been very similar to Caly's and Kirche and my xh and I have remained very close friends and my son adores my partner. I am happier than I could of ever imagined and as you said and I think that nurse pam also said the intensity that you have in a female relationship holds no comparison to a male/female relationship. Prior to my relationship with Debra I was in another relationship with another married woman, I know that this is not a good thing and I am not proud of it, I was desperately searching for something I wasn't getting in my marriage and my husband understood that. The reason I bring her up is that she told me that she loved me and she wanted me to divorce my xh and all of that but never once offered to leave her husband.... when I broke it off with her, she would call me and cry and carry on but never would want to make it right on her end. If that makes sense at all, I guess what I am trying to get at is that she loved me as long as I was doing things her way and keeping her happy but when I stopped doing that..well the tables turned...You did everything that you could to make your relationship work so do not beat yourself up about that.

Hang in there, the pain will ease and feel free to come here and seek support.. we are all here for you..

take care,

Brenda

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:55pm
The crazy thing about your story is that is all too true. I give you all the credit in the world to be able to break out and follow your true feelings. I can't answer why your love would just want to walk away but I can say that it has happened with the only two women that I have ever had feelings for. Like, your self I am in my 30's and have been married for many years. A few years back I discovered a new side of me that I now can not deny. My first love...a dear friend, has left me for a man. And just like you...my unexpected love I met on line. She too has broke my heart after I told her I loved her. I feel your pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:22pm

Hey there! Yes, Caly did share your story with me. You both have helped to restore my faith in loving relationships and the belief that their are people out there who will endure any obstacle for love. Back in 2000, during a silly conversation, my X asked me what song I would use to describe our relationship...my answer "Ain't no Mountain High Enough".

My X and I had our share of obstacles to overcome. The biggest of these was without question, my marraige...at least that is what I thought. As it turns out, it was the LDR that lead to our ultimate demise.

I can remember days & nights crying many many tears over what I was about to do to my family. I would go out and run ficticious errands so that I could call my love on my cell and sit in a random parking lot crying over the phone to each other about our situation. It seemed so hopeless. I went through hell with my husband...checking my e-mail, my cell phone, my car, anything that I once considered my personal business...was not. He got access to my e-mail and printed out VERY personal letters and showed them to anyone who would read them. At the time, I was naive enough to think that only I could get access to my own e-mail...duh.

Anyway, my point is, if we were willing to endure the true hardships in the early days of our relationship, why would we let something like geographical distance squash all of the steps forward that we had made? In the end, it had become very difficult for us due to airline tickets increasing dramatically, extra household expenses, children's schedules and the fact that she had an old dog that she could no longer leave for longer than 8 hours at a time...so many things just chipping away at what we had worked so hard to get to. It was truly disheartening.

Still, I will NEVER understand how she was able to shift her affection instantly and fall "in love" so quickly.First week of Nov. her new woman comes to work at her job. She tells me about this new "family" member who she met at work, On Nov. 13th we TALKED about whether we could keep up the pace and what should we do, Nov. 15th for the first time, in several years, I spend my b-day alone, on Nov. 19th I found out about her 1st date although she denied it was a date at first, Thanksgiving- she is "in love". Sorry for the time-line, I am just trying to make the point of "FAST"... As I sit here typing, she is spending the week at her new woman's home in GA. This is OUR week together, the week WE couldn't have this year because of her dying dog. She had a free airline ticket to use but couldn't leave her dog. As it turns out, she put her dog down on dec. 9th.

Despite my efforts to let her know that I still care about her ie; calling her after her dog died, sending her a nice commemorative picture DVD that I made her of her dog, I sent her a generic christmas card (that was hard)...I got NOTHING except "I am truly sorry, I never planned on things happening like this. I never wanted to hurt you. I hope that you can get on with your life". That is a SLAP! All I want is the respect I think I deserve with a personal break-up. Of course you know all of this...please forgive me for repeating myself over and over...perhaps it still hasn't sunken in with me...I don't know. It is just so hard for me to comprehend because this is NOT the Angie that I knew and loved for 6 years. All I can say is this new woman must really know how to work the mojo ;0.

Anyway, you were so kind to welcome me to this message board and I want to thank you for that. In 3 short days, you have ALL lent me more support than I have been able to get in the 6 weeks since my break-up. Because of all of you I have been able to close my eyes at night and actually fall asleep. I believe that I have stumbled onto the right cyber family for me.

Thank you again...many hugs!
Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
In reply to: brknhrt06
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:41pm

Thank you Brenda. No, Debra did not sound stupid at all. I know what she was saying and I am open to everyone's perspective.

I REALLY appreciate all of the insight and experiences that you all have to offer me. It makes me feel that I am really NOT alone...and that helps. Because of all of you , I have been able to actually get some real sleep at night and I am beginning to stop the obsessing over wondering what my X is doing at each and every moment of the day. We always kept such close contact that I always knew what she was up to. Perhaps this is the first sign that I am moving on, however... I still feel that I am worthy of a personal ending:(

I am so happy for you and Debra and your child and I wish you all nothing but wonderful days.

Thanks again,
Donna