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| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 6:00pm |
This is the second attempt at this post. . .
One of the big things that happened this year (well actually 2 years ago now - 12/05), was having a co-worker admit to having a crush on me.
"Minor" detail: she's married, she stated from day one that she intended to stay that way because of her kids, AND her kids attend the school we work at.
I was flattered and interested. Someone thinks I'm good looking? That's a new one. Someone wants to hug/hold me and wanted me to do the same in return. I was also amazed at the risks she was taking to say so and then to be with me .
After a couple of months of sneaking time together, her husband found an email and confronted BOTH she and I at work/school. SCARY!! Funny, but we didn't end there, even though we both "knew better" and felt extremely guilty. A couple of months later, we finally agreed that we were being unfair to both ourselves and each other and broke off contact - and actually kept the promise - there had been several false starts. Since then we've traded voice/emails about fun / funny things (ie - the kid she was working with jumped into the fish pond at school), but nothing else. I'm bummed that we went as far as we did, because we knew we were killing any chance at any ongoing or long term relationship.
Stepping back in time, I've been questioning and in denial since I was in middle school. I matured before my older brother, causing us to be VERY similar in size and appearance. More than once I've been mistaken for a male - tall, muscular (I swim - hence "Flipper", and wear my hair short. While funny considering I'm 'endowed,' it was very hurtful and it caused me to question who/what I was. I'm also a tomboy and followed my brother and his friends around the neighborhood when I was young.
Beyond those, I denied my sexualilty and sexual feeling by tying those emotions to my mom's death. She died just before I started HS (ovarian cancer). Part of me figured if I denied ALL sexuality, maybe I'd be spared death like hers - from a very female cancer. Part of me was so hurt and lost that I shut out just about everyone - can't let anyone get close enough hurt me again. Part of me let me label my desire? seeking? crushes? as "I want/miss my mom, and I'm trying to fill that space."
That's the short story. Right now, I'm frustrated with myself because I've withdrawn from the social world (Not that I'm an extrovert/partier in the first place - and in part because I count the casual interactions of work as 'social' and I'm not currently working FT).
I grew up active in the LCMS, graduating with a "Lutheran Teachering Diploma," meaning I took extra courses in theology and religion and taught in a parachial school for a few years. Early this summer, the pastor at my church preached a very anti-homsexual sermon - I actually walked out, it was so too close to home. And I haven't been back - yet another social setting/connection gone.
The frustration is that I can't seem to work up the courage to look elsewhere. I know I want to, I know I need to, but so far, I'm just stuck in scared - too hard, too much risk. Remember - my friend came to me - literally into my lap. . .I didn't have to DO anything. I'm looking here for some sense of belonging but more than that, inspiration/cheerleading/handholding to get me out there and looking as well as specific places/events to look for. Thanks for making it all the way through.

Hi Flipper!
I am glad you tried again with your post. Sorry it was lost the first time.
C >^. A .