I have a feeling it's going to be ok..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
I have a feeling it's going to be ok..
2
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 8:16pm

Today we had gorgeous day in the middle of winter, here in Seattle. I've been drawing, doing portraits on a regular basis (to add to my portfolio) for days on end now. Really emersing myself in this incredible "flow" of things right now.

When I first joined this group not long ago, it was to talk about how wounded I felt and wanting to know if I'd ever be Wanted again...if I'd ever love Myself again.I have been living daily in some sort of Fear of one thing or another. I tried to have some closure with my ex of 8 years, I am not sure I did, but her responses to my questions weren't exactly what I'd hoped, but I think that last tether snapped free. Feelings still a bit there..it Had been Eight Years.

I've been living a wonderfully supportive Transitional Women's housing center...gradually making friends that seem to really care about me, and I don't have to work too hard to please anyone. Those of here are in the same boat, displaced in some manner trying to re-create our lives again.

I am waiting to see if in 30 days I'll get the final decision on my SSDI case, then I'll have a bit more income. My ego(and Spirit) have taken quite a beating the last 2 years....and I Intellectually know that what I Do is Not Who I am.....or is it ? I am an Artist whether I create another thing again.Making a living as an artist is hard, but I am not giving up at it. I've had a lot of people try to get me to.

My surgery on Tuesday did not go as planned. Instead of doing the laser surgery, they found more of the possibly cancerous growth than what they(*I*) first saw...so more biopsies were taken. I will get the results in about a week.

I am always thinking about food and it's relationship to how I feel about myself...80 plus pounds more than I want to be....the shame....but I do eat pretty good. But still binge occassionally. Next week when I get the ok from my doc, I am starting water exercises at the "Y"....and I am already working with free weights and walking everywhere.

Long story short(I know...too late)....I am getting this deep feeling that everything in my life is starting to make a bit of sense, I am healing from the emotional pain of so much loss in a short time...and I have the Tiny feeling that some woman out there....might just feel I am attractive...and desirable. This is important for Me to say as if *I* don't feel it, noone else can help me to.The Center where I live has a newsletter and tons of rich donors and I have spoken to the director about possibly putting a sample of my work(and my story) in the next one ! There is also a Museum Quality shop a few blocks from here, that I'd like to see if they would put a sample of my work in there window.

I just needed to babble, chat, say Outloud...that it's really nice to feel that all will be well in my life.

Thanks for listening gals,

Peace.

Brandy (Designergrl47)

"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 10:25am

Brandi,


What a wonderfully positive post! I am so glad that slowly things are coming around for you. I am glad you are here with us as part of our "family" and look forward to sharing more of the good (and the bad) that comes into your life.


Many positive vibes coming your way about the biopsies

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 11:58am

Thanks so much for sharing, Brandi. It's always nice to get updates from everyone. I'm so glad you have become an active member of the board. You are fun and have a lot to contribute.


It's perfectly normal for you to take some time getting over your ex. Eight years is a loooong time to be together, and that time can't be erased in a day, week, or month.


Sounds like you are taking lots of positive steps to move on and finding resources to make your dreams come true.


Hope you hear good news from the biopsies. I wish you the best in everything!


Hugs


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