what to think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
what to think?
13
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 7:34pm

Hello, I am hoping for some really good feedback on a situation I’ve been involved in for about six years. I am in my mid-20's and it involves a friend of mine that is in her 40's. I met this woman during a job shadowing type of situation. My friend, who I will call HFC in this post, is in a career field that I was very interested in going into in my earlier 20's. From the moment I met HFC, it was like we were old friends. I have a difficult time meeting people who are similar to what I prefer in a friend, but with her, it felt like I knew her for years. We hit it off and over a short period of time, started socializing outside of me job shadowing with her. She began inviting me on recreational activities with her kids outside of work, but due to my own activities I never took her up on those offers.
I never really thought about her as a romantic interest at this time, one, because she was married with children, and two, I respected her a lot as a friend and I guess it never crossed my mind. I was going through some issues romantically that left me hurt, so I guess I wasn’t interested anyways. HFC’s career field requires her to be out in the community while she’s at work(criminal justice field). We lived in a very small town, so it was very common to see her everyday that she was working. Our friendship progressed to where she asked me for my phone number, e-mail, and if I used MSN messenger.

In the summer of 2003, something had changed between us. She would call/e-mail/MSN me everyday that she could. She was vacationing in another state and would somehow find the time to do this. After she got back, things had definitely changed. She started telling me that she really wanted to go out of town with me for a ‘night of fun’...which involved getting a hotel room, but she had to come up with a good “excuse” so her husband wouldn’t be suspect. I never really understood what her intentions were, because I believed she was fairly conservative and straight-laced. She invited me to a sporting event in another city at the end of summer with her family...and I accepted. When I met her husband he said “nice to meet you, I feel like I know you already because “HFC” talks about you so much”. I thought that was kind of interesting. Another thing that I thought was interesting was that she told me she wanted to sleep with me in my hotel bed, but her husband wouldn’t let her. Another thing that happened that weekend was that a couple of women approached us at the event and gave us an invitation to an event at a lesbian club. I told her after the women walked away that they invited us to a lesbian club, and she got very excited. She couldn’t stop talking about it all day, and actually several days after.

After we got back from the trip, she called me up a couple days later and told me that I forgot a sweatshirt in her truck, and to come over and visit and I could pick it up. I went over to her house, and we were talking on the porch and she started talking about something to do with gays/lesbians. For some reason I felt as if I better tell her then and there that I am a lesbian because I got the idea in my head she was going to start trashing on them. I told her, and she got the biggest smile on her face. It seemed like something had snapped inside her head. I didn’t hear from her for 2 days after I told her, and I thought that maybe I made a big mistake because she was homophobic or something? (Remember, I thought she had conservative leanings, she was very active in her church) However, she called me two days later. We began talking on the phone a lot, sometimes for 3 hours at a time, or broken up into several conversations a day. We also began chatting a lot on MSN messenger, and e-mailing. She would get on MSN or call me and instead of wanting to talk on there, she said “meet me at such and such place, I need to see you”.

She would call me before work often and tell me to be careful (it was a long drive). Sometimes she would even call during or after work and invite me over to her house after I got back from work. Other times, I would be out and about doing errands and she would see me out and call me and tell me to meet her somewhere to chat. Some of those chats ended up to be hours long. One time I was at the store and I came out after shopping and she had left me a note on my car with some little inside joke of ours. It was during all this that I became really confused and started feeling like she was infatuated with me. I recall this one time in particular, I went shopping in another town for the evening and I came back home and she had left me a message on my phone asking where I was and if I was “avoiding her”. I called her back and she was teasing me saying that I was avoiding her. Anyways, as time progressed, she started telling me things about her marriage that were making her unhappy. I felt in the back of my head that maybe she was bisexual or something, but I never asked her and always felt intimidated about asking her that. She became so obsessed with me that it began to felt as though we were married.

After I came out to her, she really started pushing hard about going out of town overnight for some ‘fun’. In late October, I found out that my work was having an overnight Christmas party at an upscale hotel in December, completely paid for by the company, and a guest was welcome. I went over to her house that evening and told her about this Christmas party, not even thinking about maybe her going, and the look on her face was priceless. To make a long story short, she pretty much invited herself to the party. She also said “if the party is a bust, we can always go find some “special bars”’ which was code to her for gay/lesbian bars. Also, somehow she knew that the little town where this party was taking place was considered the “lesbian capitol” of my state. It was around this time that I started developing a crush on her. She would talk to me for hours about how unhappy she was with her husband, and how things were beginning to look a lot more clearer in her life. She confided that she was thinking about divorcing her husband due to past issues such as abuse, and general neglect of their marriage. She also would say things like “If my husband wasn’t living here, I would have you move in with me and the kids” or “If I take a job in (name of big city), you can come with me and live with me so you can go to school”. She would tell me how easy I am to talk to, and how close she felt to me. We had many opportunities to go further if we desired, but nothing like that ever happened. I guess that’s what really confused me about her. I also respected the marriage boundary and didnt feel right at all about interferring with her husband, even if they were having problems.
Another thing that she would commonly do was show jealousy about other women that I was friends with. I befriended a girl at my work who I felt attracted to. At the overnight Christmas party, HFC and I sat at this girls table along with two mutual friends of HFC and me. HFC knew I had a crush on this girl, and she whispered to me that she wanted to trade seats so I could sit next to this girl. I was confused, but I did it anyways. This girl and I chatted a bit during dinner, and then later at the hotel bar, we chatted some more. HFC was on the dance floor most of the night and I would order drinks for her. However, I spent most of my time talking to this girl. This girl was showing major interest in me, and I was enthralled with her. To make a long story short, I may have had a chance with HFC that night, but I may have messed up by flirting with this girl. The girl asked me out to dinner the following week, and I accepted. I really didn’t know if she was interested for sure, but I thought I would find out during dinner.
The day after my dinner date with this girl, HFC found me before work and was questioning how it went. I told her it was okay, but I thought the girl was straight, but she was a fun person to hang out with. HFC went from being really nice, to suddenly getting really weird with me, and told me that she saw me go through a yellow traffic light the week before and she “should have pulled me over”. I told her that I don’t remember doing that, and she said that I did, and she wishes now that she would have pulled me over. She showed some major jealousy that day, and several things happened in the next couple months involving female friends that she would get jealous over.

From early 2004 to now, I will speed this story up before I write a book! :)
To make a long story short, HFC ended up divorcing her husband of almost 30 years and married a man she met off the internet after just a short period of both her and this man being divorced from their respective spouses. Our friendship became very strained. I began dating a girl in 2004 from my town and I am still with her now. Although HFC and I still talked once in awhile, it was nowhere near how it used to be. I found out through her that her new husband had a real problem with me. He apparently accused her of sleeping with me and my girlfriend, and also is extremely homophobic. Apparently, he accused her of being bisexual and having threesomes, and having a relationship with me. Funny thing is, she won’t deny it to me...she has yet to say “You are just a friend to me and nothing more”, and she has made it clear that her sexual orientation is her business and she won’t discuss what she is.
If she is with him somewhere, she wouldn’t even give me a wave, yet if she was by herself at work, she would call me or chat somewhere. This has been going on for awhile, and I sort of understood that our friendship scared this new man, so I gave her a wide berth. I got the impression that she was frightened by this guys behavior in regards to me, and didn’t know what to do. Well, recently, since summer of 2006, we’ve been in communication a lot more. They married in early summer 2006, and they’ve only been married 6 months and she’s confiding in me about how unhappy she is. Her sister is really upset that this man is controlling who she is friends with, and made it clear that she doesn’t like him much. I confronted her about why she doesn’t give me the time of day when she’s with him, yet when she’s alone she will talk to me. I also confronted her by saying that I miss her friendship and the old days of it, and I really think it knocked some sense into her. Ever since I told her that, she's been calling me a lot more, will leave me funny messages if I miss her call, and even told me that she wants me to be around her more and that her husband needs to just get used to the fact that I am gay.

Anyways, I could write a book about this but I’ll spare you all. What I really need is some good feedback on what you think. I really want to know if you think she had romantic feelings for me, and if she still does. I’ve been confused for so long, and I just need some really good opinions here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: exedy
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:03am

Hi Exedythwelcome2blue.jpg


I will admit that this morning I dont have time to completely read your post, and I want to do that before I reply, but I promise to do it tonight and comment.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: exedy
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:53pm

Welcome, Exedy! You came to the right place, and we're glad you're here!


Several of us on the board have been in your friend HFC's position as far as being married and then discovering mid-life that we really aren't happy and are more attracted to women on all levels. I came from that situation as did my partner Caly (co-CL here). We both divorced in 2004 and have been together ever since.


One of the biggest mistakes I think HFC is making is trying to hide

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
In reply to: exedy
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 5:04pm

Hi there!


I sent you a big long reply last night, but it looks like it got lost.

Spring SiggyBlinkie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: exedy
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 2:35am

Hi Caly,

Thank you for the warm welcome :) I look forward to your feedback...take your time reading it cause it's a long story :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: exedy
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 3:04am

Hi Ting,

Thank you so much for your warm welcome!
That is very sweet that you met your partner on here :) I have only been here for a few days but the energy on this board is so much nicer than the energy I've felt on some of the other lesbian message boards on the net.

On the topic of HFC hiding her feelings about me from her husband, I have actually felt for a few months that he may have found out about her preference and now doesn't trust her. The reason I say this is because he apparently feels that gays and lesbians are molesters, and apparently he doesn't want me or my gf (two harmless people!) around his daughters. However, HFC told me something that makes me think he DOES know she's bisexual because apparently she told her husband "Do you not want me around your daughters too?". That sounds like she is saying she can't be around them either because she's bisexual. He feels that anyone who is gay is a pervert...ugh. Also, she has told her boys about my orientation and why her new husband has a problem with me, and her boys told her that they absolutely adore me and it makes no difference to them. I wonder what happened with the husband that made her "need" to tell her kids. Her kids are very respectful (hard to find at their age) and show much more maturity than her husband. Apparently they have been confiding that they have lost respect for this man and her 17 year old doesn't even want to be around him, when he previously did. Her husband doesn't even trust her 15 year old son because he has a emotional disability and he thinks the boy is out molest his daughters.

I too think she's been playing games...I think she gets a thrill about my lifestyle and the attention I give her. I've noticed that when I ignore her, she will seek me out to chat, yet when I give her attention, she sort of plays a hard to get game. I'm not planning on getting involved with her...I feel that it would just lead to hurt feelings. Primarily I just need some feedback on what is going through her head. I wish she would open up to me, and just tell me what she feels, because it would help so much...but I really can't see that happening. I've thought about confiding in her about my former crush on her, but that would probably cause some major problems. She's told me that she has backed off from me because of my girlfriend (gf thought HFC was moving in on me and they sort of had a fight but thats now cleared up) and I don't think HFC would tell me if she liked me because of that (which is probably good that she respects the boundary).

Anyways, I am very appreciative of the excellent feedback you have all given me, and I hope to hear more from all of you again soon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: exedy
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 3:06am

Hi Storm,

I'm not sure you lost your post...I noticed that you responded to my post in the bisexual forum, and I replied back :) Maybe you thought you posted it in here but you actually responded to the other post in the other forum.




Edited 1/27/2007 3:23 am ET by exedy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
In reply to: exedy
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 2:48pm

Yep...that's exactly what happened!

Spring SiggyBlinkie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: exedy
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 3:22pm

Hi again exedy!


Glad you like the board and I hope we can be some help with this and that you will 'hang with us' in the future.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: exedy
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 3:44pm


Hello again,

Here's the deal with her marriage to guy #2, which doesn't quite sit well with me: she met him over the internet while still married to her first husband, and would routinely go out of state with her middle aged son and would disguise it as a "vacation". She would try to hide this all from me and everyone else but I saw right through it. I have lot a lot of respect for her since doing this, and I think she's losing respect for herself because she's seeing this guys true colors. She admitted last time I spoke with her that it's her big mistake and it's her doing for splitting her family up and now her kids have lost respect for this guy and even her. This is the very reason why I'd never be in a relationship with her if I had the opportunity, I would constantly be in fear of her cheating on me. I have suspicions that she cheated on her first husband with some other men, and I think she wanted something from me too. When she wanted to go out of town with me, she would often say things while chatting online like "its okay for two people to go out of town for sex as long as when they come back, neither says a word to anyone about it, because its a small town". She also has shown major interest in knowing who all of the bisexual and lesbian women are in our small town, and even knew who some of them are that I didn't know were! She even told me and my gf this summer that she likes to keep tabs on who all of them are. This doesn't seem like something a straight woman would do!

I think I should clarify that I am not interested in her as a potential partner...I am just needing some analyzing about her behavior. I guess I could say I am still attracted to her, and I guess I like the attention she gives me, but I think thats as far as I'd go. When she's being normal and maintaining communication, she's actually a really nice person and I love talking to her. I have lost respect for her though, and that is unfortunate because she has a lot to offer as far as friendship before she started screwing with our friendship when she got involved with the new guy.

BTW: I am going back home to visit this weekend and will be at an event that she will be at with her husband - she told me to sit with her, she says she doesn't care what the husband thinks of her friends anymore, but I don't feel comfortable with that. I've been to several of these events and it is obvious that she is more interested in looking at me and my gf than watching the event (gf even noticed). My first choice is to not sit with her, what do you all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: exedy
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:11pm

Hi again, exedy,


I'm glad you're feeling comfortable talking about this with us. It helps to keep up the communication as you sort it all out.


If you would feel uncomfortable sitting with HFC this weekend, then I would not do it. And I would be honest with her and tell her you don't think it's a good idea. Sounds like she is someone who will keep taking and not giving, and she needs some boundaries.


Some of her behavior sounds manic, like what people with bipolar illness experience. Counseling would probably help, but only she can make that happen.


Hugs


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