A listening ear please
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| Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:54pm |
Hello, I hope you don't mind but I've no-one else that I can talk to.
As a teenager I liked girls but was very scared I was a pervert. I had intense feelings towards a friend and whenever she had boyfriends I'd try to get rid of them. The last one hated me and so she refused to see me again. I was suicidal and turned to alcohol and pretending to be like my friends, getting drunk. I always had boyfriends and it was torture as I couldn't stand to be with them. I thought there was something very wrong with me.
Some of my friends were lesbians and I used to go with them to clubs but no-one ever approached me and so I convinced myself that was because I was straight. Also my friends were all butch types and the femme girls went out with them so I thought that I couldn't be a lesbian as I didn't fit.
The double life continued into marriage. I hated sex and made myself ill. Eventually had a breakdown. I told the therapist my fears about being strange and because I happened to mention unpleasant incidents in my childhood that's all I heard for the next few years.
I used to by art magazines of women pretending they were for my husband. He never looked at them but I did. I always thought about women and I told a friend about it recently but she said it was because I hated men and it was less scary.
It's only now after my husband left I realised that all my feelings have still not gone away. I had never felt the unpleasant incidents had much to do with these feeling as I think I had them before. Not long ago I told my mother and husband that I used to believe I was gay but of course I wasn't!
Since that breakdown years ago I've never been right. Very confused. Believeing that some outside event would make me better. Whatever I found wasn't right so I was constantly searching and doing excess in everything, attracting draining friends feeling worse by the day. In the last month, I've once again raised the question as I found myself staring at a woman in a bar and I was scared she was going to make a comment. I found myself fixated about her as I'd seen her before. Then I remembered about other women that I stare at and always convince myself that it is to do with their clothes but deep down know that it isn't.
I feel a huge sense of relief as I really couldn't face another year in this type of hell, waiting for a miracle pastime when I knew that wasn't the answer or direction I wanted to go.
I don't know what I'm really feeling or even if I could realistically ever imagine being with someone. However, it's a start, just to acknowledge those feelings which I've always denied.
Is this what denying who you are does to people?
Edited 2/8/2007 5:03 am ET by ulka2007
Edited 2/8/2007 5:04 am ET by ulka2007

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Hi Ulka,
Welcome to the board... It sounds like you are needing an ear to lean on and you have come to the right place. Our leaders here are great and I am sure that they will have some wonderful advice for you and other board members will too. I think to a point that most of us have been thru or experienced feelings similar to what you have been going through. I too was married for 20 years and knew that I hated sex with men but I too thought it was just me. I have always been attracted to woman but kept denying it also and making up excuses for myself. I was miserable and
Brenda
I am so glad you found us.
Hi Ulta and Welcome to the Board!
So glad you posted because we're here to talk and help and give you lots of support. Your direct question was is this what denying yourself does to people, and I would say that we all react in different ways. I got very depressed. It was a slow process. Like Caly and Brenda, I was married and had two children. A few years ago the feelings that I'd had for women sporadically in the past came back to haunt me in a really big way! I'd never been with a woman, but the desire to be with one almost consumed me. It felt "right".
I got divorced and met my now partner Caly (co-CL of the board with me) and am happier than ever. My process of going through "soul searching" and figuring out who I really am was very dark and painful. For others, it's probably easier to realize the truth and not be afraid of it. I came out on the other side with Caly beside me...she pulled me out of the darkness and pain and into the brightest light I never thought I'd experience.
Don't stop looking deep within yourself to find your answers. They are there. Like Caly said, only you can know whether or not you're a lesbian and how being around women makes you feel. Be true to your heart. When you find the truth, you will know it more than anything you've ever known in your life.
I wish you the absolute best in your journey and hope you'll continue to post.
Hugs
Thankyou very much everyone. I'm very surprised to find myself at this forum as words such as lesbian gay etc don't seem right when I think of myself. However, 30 odd years of pretending isn't going to help. I find it really scary and if I was hiding before when I was a teen it feels even worse now as I've built up such a virtual image of myself.
Edited 2/8/2007 4:31 am ET by ulka2007
Couple of days later I feel much clearer and all the worry about it has totally gone.
I don't have the time to dwell on it, just talking about it has done wonders. It's not going to be a big deal anymore and I'm not going scared of it.
Being truthful to myself (scary) I have to admit that I'm not a people-person although I have always given the impression that I am. I don't enjoy company at all. And this is another one of those issues that forever causes me problems as I never allow myself to accept it.
(((((Ulka)))))
Glad you are feeling better and thinking more clearly. I can identify with you on being uncomfortable around other people. It used to bother me so much, but with counseling I finally learned to deal with it and feel less anxious about it. I also like myself a lot more in spite of it. I do like to socialize, but I experience "people overload" after a while. As long as I get some time afterward to be quiet and recharge, I'm ok.
That's the good thing about these message boards and getting to talk to other people on them -- you don't have to have a face-to-face conversation! Hope you'll continue to talk to us.
Hi Ulka,
I am rather new to this board, but I am happy to have found this board just to realize that "we" are like so many others. It took me years of making excuses about my attraction to women (as have you) to finally begin to look deep in myself and question my true self. I did all the things that society required of me. I am married and have 3 kids. But, I have also fallen deeply in love with a woman and realize that this is what I have been missing my entire life. It is different than anything I have ever experienced. I finally have found the missing piece of myself. I have been in therapy for the past year to help me deal with leaving my marriage and beoming who I am. My therapist is a wonderful woman who has helped me greatly. I do not feel guilty for being a lesbian, as it was not a choice that I made. It is just who I truly am. I wish you the best on your journey, but please know that the journey is worth it. I am not through the journey yet, but I staying on the path and taking one day at a time.
"Be yourself. The most important thing you will ever do is become who you were meant to be."
--Lisa Hammond
I do believe you have come to the right place. I used to think I was a pervert to. Then I decided to be true to myself and live my life as a lesbian. Ok, and maybe I still am a pervert too. haaaaaa... but seriously folks, I am much better off since I have decided to be true to myself. I am a lesbian but that is not all I am. I am a kind person, a caring person, a creative person etc, you see, being a lesbian is only a part of you. You can still be a good person and be a lesbian. You can be a lesbian and a pervert or not a pervert and be a lesbian. It is up to you who you really are inside.
I hope you can relax and be true to yourself ulka and then see what happens.
It seems that denial is hurting you inside and I hate to see anyone hurting.
hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Since posting my story a few months ago I had another period of non-acceptance and spent ages trying to get rid of all evidence that I'd been here and what searches I'd used. Then I felt very down and by pure accident told the doctor about myself when I'd gone to see her about a totally different subject.
I really can't deal with it. I think it's because I feel that if I was to accept it fully then everything in life would be going in the wrong direction. Yet on another level I can see how my thinking is in error. There's a huge pull going on.
Why is it so hard to accept?
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