A listening ear please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
A listening ear please
39
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:54pm

Hello, I hope you don't mind but I've no-one else that I can talk to.

As a teenager I liked girls but was very scared I was a pervert. I had intense feelings towards a friend and whenever she had boyfriends I'd try to get rid of them. The last one hated me and so she refused to see me again. I was suicidal and turned to alcohol and pretending to be like my friends, getting drunk. I always had boyfriends and it was torture as I couldn't stand to be with them. I thought there was something very wrong with me.

Some of my friends were lesbians and I used to go with them to clubs but no-one ever approached me and so I convinced myself that was because I was straight. Also my friends were all butch types and the femme girls went out with them so I thought that I couldn't be a lesbian as I didn't fit.

The double life continued into marriage. I hated sex and made myself ill. Eventually had a breakdown. I told the therapist my fears about being strange and because I happened to mention unpleasant incidents in my childhood that's all I heard for the next few years.

I used to by art magazines of women pretending they were for my husband. He never looked at them but I did. I always thought about women and I told a friend about it recently but she said it was because I hated men and it was less scary.

It's only now after my husband left I realised that all my feelings have still not gone away. I had never felt the unpleasant incidents had much to do with these feeling as I think I had them before. Not long ago I told my mother and husband that I used to believe I was gay but of course I wasn't!

Since that breakdown years ago I've never been right. Very confused. Believeing that some outside event would make me better. Whatever I found wasn't right so I was constantly searching and doing excess in everything, attracting draining friends feeling worse by the day. In the last month, I've once again raised the question as I found myself staring at a woman in a bar and I was scared she was going to make a comment. I found myself fixated about her as I'd seen her before. Then I remembered about other women that I stare at and always convince myself that it is to do with their clothes but deep down know that it isn't.

I feel a huge sense of relief as I really couldn't face another year in this type of hell, waiting for a miracle pastime when I knew that wasn't the answer or direction I wanted to go.

I don't know what I'm really feeling or even if I could realistically ever imagine being with someone. However, it's a start, just to acknowledge those feelings which I've always denied.

Is this what denying who you are does to people?

Edited 2/8/2007 5:03 am ET by ulka2007




Edited 2/8/2007 5:04 am ET by ulka2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 7:23pm

Hi again Ulka!


Its probably hard for you to accept because right now the prevailing word on the street is "its not normal" so you can't help but think that is wrong some how.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 8:39pm

Hi, Ulka, and welcome back. I read all of the old posts and feel deeply about your pain. I have just recently begun posting here and it has been a lifesaver. Like you, I did all the "right" things. Got married to a man, had kids, house in the burbs, good job, etc. I knew all along who I was, but it took eons to surface.
Who we are is not wrong or perverted. It's just "us." The first time I told somebody I thought my head would explode, but it hasn't. I feel much better and am very careful who I do tell. I still feel like it is a new suit and I keep looking at myself in the mirror to check for the fit.

Do you feel like you are standing at a crossroad and can't pick which way to go, 'cause each way could be disaster? I know that feeling. Taking the first step, whichever way you choose, is really the hardest. Then the stepping seems to get easier for awhile. Then it gets steep again. It doesn't mean that the path will always be smooth, but the people here are magnificient. They have a great ear and give awesome advice and walk right along with you, cause most of them have already walked the path ahead of us. We all help one another.

I have told my fmaily doctor who also treats my husband, and she really good with it. I was also in therapy for a totally different reason (my son), but eventually my therapist and I came around to this topic. She keeps me sane and grounded. When I am between visits, these women are just the best.

I hope you continue to post here as you struggle with your path.

Hugs and Happiness

Blue PS I tried to post this before and something happened. I hope I didn't post twice.

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 6:50pm

Thanks for the replies. Even though I spoke to the doctor I don't feel comfortable going back at present.

What I've been trying to do is to eliminate activities which have become very energy draining both mentally and physically and trying to get on with normal daily routines. Also cutting out all the compulsive buying and clutter and all the unstarted projects. But all the time the personal stuff is at the back of my mind, so some days I feel I'm going mad.

I suppose that in time it will sort itself out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 7:48pm

Yep, yep, yep, I get it. At work I try and stay focused and on task. I have an enthusiastic student teacher that I am training and with the teacher's union, I have lots of work this time of year, not to mention this little thing called a job.

Today the woman that I fell for (and will not speak to me) came into our lunch room, talked to one of the other teachers there and left without so much as a nod. I am really in the dumps right now.

You know, cleaning up the clutter is like a house cleaning of your life. Clearing the old stuff for the new might just be the ticket. You are not crazy, weird, wrong or insane. It seems that you have this huge fight going on inside you and don't know which side to take. You know that you don't have to make any decisions today, tonight, or tomorrow.

Relax and let life flow over you. I think about it a lot, also, but it's not all who I am. I am sure it's not all you are, either. It may sort itself out if you let it.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 7:18am

You know Blue,

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:30pm

Ah! Part of my answer is in this thread! I keep wanting to go to her and say, "You know, this is just not that bad of a thing." I am so afraid of the rejection right now. I want us to laugh about it and call me pretty stupid for coming out to her in that way.

I do think this is ridiculous and she is treating me very unfairly. I didn't burn her house down, sleep with her husband, kill her cats, or torture her in any way. Nothing in me has really changed, it's just she knows more about me. I wonder if she thinks I should have told her up front. I couldn't even tell myself up front for a long time. I don't understand why she doesn't want to ask me questions. She has always been a tough woman to love and I knew that from the first year of our friendship. Okay, sorry to vent. It's just that kind of a day and I am in that kind of a mood.

Thanks for keeping a level head for me. I would hate to think that she is shallow and uncaring as I thought I had better judgement, but perhaps you are right. I will mull that over.

Hugs back tenfold.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 2:01pm

(((((((Blue)))))))) I'm sorry you're having to experience the pain of losing a

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 2:13pm

I'm glad you've taken steps to make things easier for you to deal with. When I was in a lot of emotional pain several years ago, I spent a lot of money. I regret it so much now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 5:26pm

Blue, I would never even try to judge the character of someone I have never met, and I therefore didn't mean to imply that this woman is a shallow or an

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 7:23pm

I did not take what you said badly and was not offended. It just gave me food for thought. I know what you mean about the whole story. When I deal with truth seeking there is always my truth, your truth, and then what really happened. You might actually be right. Thanks folks, for hearing me and giving me settling advice. I'm heading to the therapist on Tuesday for some ranting and venting. I am just having a hard time right now waiting the time out. Thanks for your kind and sympathetic words. :}

Blue

BLUE DIA