A listening ear please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
A listening ear please
39
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:54pm

Hello, I hope you don't mind but I've no-one else that I can talk to.

As a teenager I liked girls but was very scared I was a pervert. I had intense feelings towards a friend and whenever she had boyfriends I'd try to get rid of them. The last one hated me and so she refused to see me again. I was suicidal and turned to alcohol and pretending to be like my friends, getting drunk. I always had boyfriends and it was torture as I couldn't stand to be with them. I thought there was something very wrong with me.

Some of my friends were lesbians and I used to go with them to clubs but no-one ever approached me and so I convinced myself that was because I was straight. Also my friends were all butch types and the femme girls went out with them so I thought that I couldn't be a lesbian as I didn't fit.

The double life continued into marriage. I hated sex and made myself ill. Eventually had a breakdown. I told the therapist my fears about being strange and because I happened to mention unpleasant incidents in my childhood that's all I heard for the next few years.

I used to by art magazines of women pretending they were for my husband. He never looked at them but I did. I always thought about women and I told a friend about it recently but she said it was because I hated men and it was less scary.

It's only now after my husband left I realised that all my feelings have still not gone away. I had never felt the unpleasant incidents had much to do with these feeling as I think I had them before. Not long ago I told my mother and husband that I used to believe I was gay but of course I wasn't!

Since that breakdown years ago I've never been right. Very confused. Believeing that some outside event would make me better. Whatever I found wasn't right so I was constantly searching and doing excess in everything, attracting draining friends feeling worse by the day. In the last month, I've once again raised the question as I found myself staring at a woman in a bar and I was scared she was going to make a comment. I found myself fixated about her as I'd seen her before. Then I remembered about other women that I stare at and always convince myself that it is to do with their clothes but deep down know that it isn't.

I feel a huge sense of relief as I really couldn't face another year in this type of hell, waiting for a miracle pastime when I knew that wasn't the answer or direction I wanted to go.

I don't know what I'm really feeling or even if I could realistically ever imagine being with someone. However, it's a start, just to acknowledge those feelings which I've always denied.

Is this what denying who you are does to people?

Edited 2/8/2007 5:03 am ET by ulka2007




Edited 2/8/2007 5:04 am ET by ulka2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 7:31pm

Hey, TiNG, good words of wisdom. Am I/Can I wait? How do you find the path to move on? Well, those are good therapist questions for Tuesday. You know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. God, I must have the strength of Samson, but I know that there are even rougher times ahead. It will be a long time until I am "happy ever after," but you and Caly show that it is certainly possible. Thanks for your support and hugs.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 7:15am

On the subject of telling people.

Before marriage I had a bunch of lesbian friends that i spent all my time with, always being introduced in gay clubs as the straight friend.

I remember how I felt when I found out about their relationship (nearly caught them in the act) and then I found out that out of my large group of friends I was the last to know in fact 2 years late! That upset me a great deal. They said it was because I was anti-gay - how they came to that conclusion I'll never know. And even made me realise that to 'come out' myself may not be the right thing to do if they have this impression of me.

Later on after they were banned from seeing each other after their parents found out, they would both come to my house as my parents were great about it all. In fact I once jokingly asked my mother what she would do if I bought home a girlfriend and she said it wouldn'd be a problem!

After they split up I was always with one of them whilst she was on the lookout for another girlfriend. One night I told one of them how i felt about her and she was annoyed and said I was drunk and would regret saying anything in the morning. I never mentioned it again.

Those friends went to my wedding, one of them dressed as a man, so I do have understanding parents especially as they're regular churchgoers. Unfortunately I lost touch with the friends over time so I don't have them to speak to about it all.

After my marriage breakup I told my mum and husband the reason everything had gone wrong was because I had 'mistakenly' believed I was gay. I said that as I had a suspicion that one day I would be tempted to come out. And if I'd already denied it then I wouldn't be able to do it again without causing annoyance, even though lately with mum I've been dropping hints after the doctors visit.

Just before talking to the doctor, I told an old friend. She was very understanding but said that in her opinion, it was my childhood stuff which made me think I was gay. However, I did omit telling her some things through sheer embarassment.

Shortly after telling her I was so horrified that i'd done it, next time we met I told her that on reflection, I knew that I wasn't. That's when my health went downhill, after once again denying it.

Also I'm realising now that I had always had beliefs about lesbians/gays that made me want to disassociate with being like them e.g having a man was going to make the right impression. So I'd have something to show off about to other friends/relatives in the way that people do.

There can be many reasons why this woman you told has reacted like this, even that she has similar issues herself.

Hope things work out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 8:33am
When I was coming out at age 18 I was going through it like you. A friend of mine who is a lesbian sat me down and said, the sooner I was true to myself the sooner I would have peace about me. I lost a couple of friends at first. They came around later. I only told my sister at that age not my parents or other family members.
The more I came out the more peace I felt. Some of it got down right ugly and some people did not understand, but for the most part people were very accepting. Those who accepted me I kept in my life. Those who did not accept me I did not keep in my life because they did not accept me as I am. Why bother trying or worrying about people who won't accept you.
When you come out you will know who your true friends really are. My mom freaked at first even though she has GLBT friends. But she came around soon.
I think the sooner you are true to yourself the sooner you will have peace about you and within you. Stop struggling to be someone you are not. You don't have to come out to everyone right away. Come out to yourself first. And accept yourself. Then you will have peace.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 9:58am

I think you know more about yourself subconsciouly than you will let your conscious self realize. You are so right about that feeling of panic after telling somebody and then trying to take it back. As I have told my few friends that know, "You can't unring a bell." I will venture to say that the person you told and then retracted to will always have suspicions in their heart and mind.

I think tp myself....Are you sure? And then I just point my little old self to the three women that I have been in love with or just wanted and I have to answer, yep. I am on the slow road to coming out as I said to my family doctor. It doesn't have to be a big party where all are invited for the "big announcement." Relax, go little by little. Life is a journey, not a race and things will play out for you. I really feel that. What Laurie said is good. First you have to be true to yourself. Can I just tell you that in the beginning it is on my mind all the time, along with the split with my friend. Good meds help sometimes.

One of my friends mentioned that I may have shown my ex best friend a mirror to herself and she is also dealing with that. I have to allow space for that, even though it is hard. Take care of yourself. I look forward to your postings

Gotta go umpire.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 1:45pm

Thanks for the replies everyone.

It's true that it's on my mind all the time especially when going round the shops, looking at other people, wondering about them, what clothes should i wear as a lesbian LOL. But at least I'm trying not to deny it for once.

I'm also wondering why I'm behaving like this as I didn't when I was younger and going round with my lesbian friends. Now it seems like some HUGE thing - practically like from another planet!

After my separation all I was doing is thinking about finding another man and telling them upfront that I had problems with physical relationships, hoping I'd find someone.

Then out of the blue a man I know asked me on a hobby related holiday, everything paid for except travelling to meet him- which makes me wonder why he thinks I would agree to something like that.

Not something I would have done in my younger days (even for free drink LOL) and certainly wouldn't do it now even if I didn't have committments at home. All that pretending I'd have to do - I can't do that again not even for 5 mins.

Thanks very much for your posts, it's such a relief to realise that there are so many others with the same feelings and can empathise.

I'd been going through another turmoil recently as I got to the stage I was fed up of calling myself by a name that isn't in fact my own but I used it as no-one can pronounce my proper name. I stopped in my late teens and not even my husband knew that he was always saying the wrong thing.

I started to feel very angry that I had hidden this side of myself as well.

After all these revelations I hope there is nothing else hidden away.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 7:48pm

Ulka, hi, you are sounding much better!

I know, I know. At this stage of my life, I am sometimes kicking myself for not taking care of business earlier. But, you know, there were kids, and the "proper" thing to do and all that stuff. Way earlier in my life, I had many advances from college women, but my standard answer was, "I have a boyfriend." They would say, So? I should have read the signs and been myself, but I wasn't that brave in this regard. Still not brave enough to come out all together. I am glad that there is somebody else who is kind of in the same boat I'm in. It gives comfort.

My maiden last name is sooooo difficult to pronounce! I was near the end of the alphabet and all the teachers had trouble with it, the kids would all say my name in unison and it embarrassed me, and the kids would make some fun of it. I would just let them pronounce it the way they wanted after I said it right one time. My second name(married) is better, but it still gets messed up.

It just sounds like you are coming out all over!! Congratulations. I think I must be wearing lesbian clothes now. Anybody out there: WHAT IS THE PROPER ATTIRE!?!?! ROFL!!!

When did this guy ask you to meet him on holiday? Recently?

Take care and I am surrounding you with hugs.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 7:35am

Hi Blue,

The guy asked me a few weeks ago and I told him that I was interested. Then later that day I realised that I had mistaken the details as I believed it a one day event.

So you are in a similar place than me in life. Thanks very much for your good wishes - all the best for you too. I don't know about you but I feel I am in no-man's land, wish someone could just give me a list of things to do so I didn't feel so out of control.

Names. It is my first name that always causes the problems but my maiden name was like a tongue-twister. I was sorry to let that go, I think my married name is too ordinary.

Do you have any ideas for yourself? Anything you want to do?

Ulka

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 8:39am

It just sounds like you are coming out all over!! Congratulations. I think I must be wearing lesbian clothes now. Anybody out there: WHAT IS THE PROPER ATTIRE!?!?! ROFL!!!


Hmmmmmm you didn't know? There is a definite Lesbian uniform....

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 8:48am

Wow....Comfortable. I'm going to have to look in that department next time I am in Macy's or do you have a Belk's. There must be a whole section call "comfortable" and I have just missed it!! LOL
Of course, I am sure that all the major department store chains have a section or will have on called "GBLT Fashion."

Yeah, I wasn't planning on changing my wardrobe at all.

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 8:58am

Hi, Ulka

I think it may be a good idea to hold off on this guy until you settle yourself. If it were understood that the holiday was going to be completely platonic, then I might go just for fun. However, if there is an undercurrent of sexual tension already, maybe you should revise your thinking. Adding another pressure right now, for you, might not be the best thing.

Me...well, I have settled down since the big event last month. I am in emotional agony waiting for my friend to do SOMETHING. However, I have tentatively set a timetable of about two and half years to five years to be completely out. I know that may sound like a long time to you, but it isn't for me and it has really calmed me.

Along the way, I expect little moments of stepping out of the closet. Next month I am attending a union event and I am planning on visiting the GBLT caucus and see what goes on there. I am looking for groups, like this one, that are open, caring, and offer food for thought and good advice. I will be doing some traveling this summer and plan to look into the lesbian bars in the cities I travel to. Don't worry, I will be careful.

Anyhow that is the rough outline for a plan. Life never follows the plans that you set, so each day is an adventure. Who knows, some day I may leave this site up accidently and my DH will walk by and that will be it....or maybe it won't be accidental. Good things come to those who wait, I am told.

Blue

BLUE DIA