A listening ear please
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| Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:54pm |
Hello, I hope you don't mind but I've no-one else that I can talk to.
As a teenager I liked girls but was very scared I was a pervert. I had intense feelings towards a friend and whenever she had boyfriends I'd try to get rid of them. The last one hated me and so she refused to see me again. I was suicidal and turned to alcohol and pretending to be like my friends, getting drunk. I always had boyfriends and it was torture as I couldn't stand to be with them. I thought there was something very wrong with me.
Some of my friends were lesbians and I used to go with them to clubs but no-one ever approached me and so I convinced myself that was because I was straight. Also my friends were all butch types and the femme girls went out with them so I thought that I couldn't be a lesbian as I didn't fit.
The double life continued into marriage. I hated sex and made myself ill. Eventually had a breakdown. I told the therapist my fears about being strange and because I happened to mention unpleasant incidents in my childhood that's all I heard for the next few years.
I used to by art magazines of women pretending they were for my husband. He never looked at them but I did. I always thought about women and I told a friend about it recently but she said it was because I hated men and it was less scary.
It's only now after my husband left I realised that all my feelings have still not gone away. I had never felt the unpleasant incidents had much to do with these feeling as I think I had them before. Not long ago I told my mother and husband that I used to believe I was gay but of course I wasn't!
Since that breakdown years ago I've never been right. Very confused. Believeing that some outside event would make me better. Whatever I found wasn't right so I was constantly searching and doing excess in everything, attracting draining friends feeling worse by the day. In the last month, I've once again raised the question as I found myself staring at a woman in a bar and I was scared she was going to make a comment. I found myself fixated about her as I'd seen her before. Then I remembered about other women that I stare at and always convince myself that it is to do with their clothes but deep down know that it isn't.
I feel a huge sense of relief as I really couldn't face another year in this type of hell, waiting for a miracle pastime when I knew that wasn't the answer or direction I wanted to go.
I don't know what I'm really feeling or even if I could realistically ever imagine being with someone. However, it's a start, just to acknowledge those feelings which I've always denied.
Is this what denying who you are does to people?
Edited 2/8/2007 5:03 am ET by ulka2007
Edited 2/8/2007 5:04 am ET by ulka2007

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*Hugs
I was walking with the family today at the seaside and all I was doing was watching the
couples and single men. I can't get my head round the fact that even though I may imagine myself with men, the reality is totally opposite when I'm actually with them.
I've tried sitting and thinking about women and can't imagine myself with them, even as friends. Yet this contradicts a few weeks ago when I was out with a youngish friend and was beginning to look at her in a different light.
I suppose it's a confusing time, matching reality to the fictional character that we become in denial.
Blue, could you imagine yourself meeting women or do you still look at men when you are out?
Ulka
I have to admit I still look at men. :) C'mon though, good faces and bodies are good faces and bodies!! lol. I have always appreciated a good body on both genders. What I AM doing more of now is looking at women in a new way or allowing myself to look at them in a new way. I guess it is a sexual way. It's sort of been a release. I am also trying to make more eye contact with them and strike up conversations. It sounds weird to me, but it is true. I think that they may think I am a little nuts. ;)
I am trying to be more aware of gay and lesbian couples that I see. Not too many in the conservative area that I live in, but I am on the alert. On the one hand is it comfortable, on the other hand I need to be careful with DH in tow. I am not ready for that confrontation, yet. I am just getting used to my brand new skin.
From the way you phrase things, I believe you are not from the US. I do not know what cultural barriers surround you. Why don't you let this new slant on things in your life seep in for awhile. You don't have to tell anybody you know. Just kind of play games with yourself. Sometimes I see a woman that strikes my fancy (and I see a lot with umpiring women's softball) and I just wonder what it would be like to meet her and ask her out. It's just a game or fantasy right now. Besides they would probably laugh me off the pub stool when they found out how old I am. Hey, couldn't blame a girl for trying, though.
Gotta run right now. Relax and enjoy the view.
Blue
I just thought I'd post a conclusion to this thread.
I had a good old memory trawl and seen a recurring pattern. I'd always been trying to find an exclusive friendship with another girl but been looking in the wrong places - with friends that were on the lookout for boyfriends, or girlfriends as in the case of my lesbian friends.
I really liked one of my lesbian friends, she didn't appeal to me in looks but the friendship was just what I wanted. It was awful when we'd trawl the gay clubs while she was looking for someone. One day I told her that I really liked her, more than friends and she thought I was making fun of her.
I would have loved a friend that was fun, we'd go out to pubs and discos, flirt with men but not go out with them.
I also used to pay for friendship - literally - paying off people's debts, once even paid for a holiday and all the expenses, so desperate was I for this girls friendship. When I first spoke to this girl, (we roomed in the same house) she said that she didn't get friendly before because I was gay! I convinced her I wasn't but I think that she took advantage after that as she knew that I liked her.
After I had children the same thing happened, I'd get my children looked after so I could see my friend yet whenever she had her children in nursery she wouldn't see me. I was very hurt but didn't see what was going on. Then I started helping her out, even though my own children were disabled, and it didn't end with her, I was doing that for other people too. Other people would tell me I was being stupid and being taken advantage of but I wouldn't listen.
I didn't understand what was happening to me and even a few years ago told a priest that I couldn't stop trying to help these people but they were destroying me. I still didn't realise what was happening.
I can now. And now I can also see that I don't really want anyone. Since the children were born there has been so much stress it's mindboggling with their health and other things.
Most of the day I just want silence to escape from the phone calls and meetings dealing with them. For years I've craved my own company so looking for someone else has always been like a fight in my head.
I've a very confident person and speaks to everyone in the street when I'm out of the house, met loads of people that way. So if I want company all I do it go to the shops and always meet someone for coffe whether I know them or a stranger. I think that I'll just stick to that for the time being.
And if I ever change my mind, I know that the sort of friendships that I used to want can't be found in the wrong places.
Hope you all have a good week.
Wow, Ulka! Sounds like you have done a lot of soul searching and have realized some important things about yourself. That takes a lot of work and strength, and I admire you for taking that journey.
Now
Ulka,
Good for you!! You must be so proud of yourself. You have done a tremendous amount of work. It's amazing. Some days might be dark days. We are all here for support. Take each day as it presents itself to you and live for it.
I will be looking for you to post wonderful things, if you want, in the future. Good luck!
Blue
Thank you very much. I seem to have taken a long and circuitious (however you spell it!) route as 10 years ago I remember talking about co-dep relationships in therapy.
These message boards have been a lifesaver at a very difficult time as I have always avoided thinking about certain topics as they have been too scary. It's wonderful that I have been able to speak to others that have been on the same path.
hi ulka,
i just joined so i don't know the post you're talking about i don't fully understand now ,whwat you are talking about either..are you talking about being accepeted as alebian or a gay person.? if yo uare i know it's hard to accept it that there are some ppl who won't want anythting to do with you.i know it's hard even though i'm still in the closet somewhat..it's stupid cuz, as you look at me you know waht i am..
but even so i'm stll in the closet..and i have had too, my share of rejections by ppl cuz, they figured out what i am..so over the years i've developed a thick skin..so, it doesn;t bother me that much now..i know everybody can't be like this. but, to me this is the best thing to do..
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