Another Sad Confused Kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Another Sad Confused Kid
15
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 3:52am

Hi,
I'm new here. First post and everything, though I've checked a couple of the other topics to see how redundant this will be. I'm sure it's really redundant, actually, but... I guess everyone's case is different, and I need to get it out, so I might as well.

I've been wondering for a couple years now just where exactly I stand in terms of sexuality, and though I thought I'd been pretty convinced of my heterosexuality for quite a while, it's really been coming into question lately. And I don't even know why- I just don't feel attracted to men. I feel like I only care about men because I feel powerful when they give me attention, which really isn't what love or attraction should be about at all; but with that aside, I should mention that I'm currently in a sticky situation with dating a close male friend of mine. It's not working. I don't want him to touch me, and I hate the thought of kissing or being close with him or any other male.
I'm nineteen and have never had sex or even deep-kissed anyone, but I feel like something is amiss here. I hate that my lack of experience is making me even more confused, because people try to tell me that I can't know I'm a lesbian if I've never been intimate with a woman. But I've never been intimate with a man either. And I really kind of find the idea disgusting. I feel much more comfortable around women, and I find that I have fewer reserves about touching them and becoming emotionally close to them.
...I have to break up with my friend either way, but holy crap, do you think it'll make him feel any better knowing it's because I actually like girls instead?

Sorry to ramble like this, but I really don't know where else to go- I don't know where at this tiny college I can meet other girls who might feel the same way, so I've turned to the internet. I feel like I should have figured this out already, or that I shouldn't be figuring it out yet without getting more Data, so to speak, but... it's just an ugly situation.
I'd appreciate any advice you could give. As verbose as this may have sounded, I really just feel like a lost little girl right now, and I'm taking this very seriously because I don't know what else to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 2:33pm

A hardy Welcome from the Emerald City (Seattle) from me, "apology" !!! You do sound incredibly intelligent and insightful inspite of your apparent confusion. I really don't think I could add anything that the others here have said so wonderfully. You are at an exciting time in your life (well..so am I at 47..big smile!) so enjoy every minute of it, no matter Who you end up with. But Please, rememmber...Play it SAFE!

Maybe you could go to a relatively tame co-ed dance with your gay male friend and see how that goes? I'd also (ok you didn't ask but I am old enough to say it anyway..smile) refrain from a lot of alcohol while "exploring" in order to keep a clear head/heart. But that's just me.

At any rate, we're really glad you are hear and keep us updated !

Peace....Brandy (Designergrl47)

"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:16pm

Now that is what I'm talking about!

"What's interesting about all this is, just yesterday I met someone who I can't stop thinking about! Her name is Margaret, and she approached me first, by complimenting me on my performance in a play that I've been in recently- I noticed how she met my eyes and stood closer to me than most people would in their first conversation with someone else. But what really struck me was how much I appreciated it, and how I didn't feel uncomfortable like I usually do."

It did feel good didn't it? lol See, that is a good sign of where your sexuality lies. It's that giddy feeling that you get when you meet someone and then you find out they are just like you. That's why we call it family. Too bad she is taken, but, there will be others just like you. Be her friend and you will definitely meet them as well.

Way to go Kid! Just a Pun! lol

hugs


halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 3:20am

Haha, thanks! :P

Since I'm sort of using this thread to document my forays into the world of the Other Side, I'll mention here that I broke up with my boyfriend two days ago... and felt really awful about it at first. I mean, this guy is a good friend to me (we were friends first) and for the next morning and afternoon I felt like I'd kicked a kitten. But he caught up with me after a class we have together (in which I was unable to keep my composure- eek), asked if he could come over, and sat me down to tell me that he had actually felt relieved by the breakup. He said that we had been so awkward and uncomfortable together that he, like me, missed our friendship and how we'd had so much more fun before we had that hanging over our heads.
One thing that really stood out was how he said something along the lines of "something wasn't there that was supposed to be", which is exactly how I felt.

Anyway, the point being, I'm so relieved now- not just because I'm no longer tied down by an awkward relationship, but because I didn't lose my friend in the process. I feel like I was really granted a happy ending in this scenario, and now I feel that the transition is going much more smoothly. There's a new comfort to things for me, as if my life suddenly makes a lot more sense with this 'new installment'- things are falling into place, and I feel so free and relieved. I'm sure you all understand how liberated I feel, just by embracing this part of myself that I've been trying to stifle.

I'll shut up for now. :) Have a good night/morning (like hell if I'm getting up before noon...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 8:08pm

YAAAY Queen! How fabulous that your friendship is saved... I'm sitting here grinning, so pleased for you.


I remember forcing myself to quit questioning. I was tired of it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 10:47pm
Sweet!

hugs


halo

hugs

halo

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