Some Advice would be great!
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| Wed, 02-28-2007 - 6:47am |
Hello Ladies,
After reading the boards tonight, I have noticed that my story isn't that unique, but I am scared and unsure of what to do. I have been married to the same man for 12 years and have two daughters and a dog. I love my husband, but as I would a best friend and brother; thus, we barely have sex. When we do I cringe...it isn't him...it is me! I adore him and our life, but I have become depressed and thought about suicide the other night. I have always known that I like women, even though I haven't been with women; however, I find myself dreaming about women when I am awake.
When I was high school I rarely dated because I really never felt an attraction to boys, but I had crushes on girls. At the time I didn't know that's what I was feeling. I would go to party's and find myself flirting with everyone and I never understood why I found myself attracted to masculine women. I joined the USAF out of high school and then I started finding women attracted to me, like I was giving signals. I wasn't aware of my desires to be with women. I met my husband right away at my first assignment, I got pregnant and we married. I was young and wasn't experienced with men, or women, so I didn't know how to base my feelings. I dp know that I have never enjoyed sex and find myself thinking of women when I am intimate with my husband.
My ordeal is that I have a family that I don't want to destroy with my discovery. My depression has alienated me from my family because I have mood swings that I can't control. I realized tonight what those mood swings, depression and weight gain are from....I like women....not men! I have always supported gay causes out of my silence, plus I find myself wanting to watch more shows on Logo about gay women. Also, tonight I was turning the channel on one of the movie channels, then I saw two women having sex and I became aroused. This is when it all hit me that I am a lesbian that has only been with a man.
I know what I want to do, but I don't have the guts to do it. Any advice would be great!
Thanks,
Tara

Hi Monet,
Yes, you are right, this is the hardest thing you will ever do. However if it is truly what you want, then you need to find the strength because not doing it will only make it harder on your family.
Hi Monet and welcome to the board!
I wrote a VERY similar post over three years ago when I joined the board. I had been married for 11 years with two daughters and a dog! My DDs are now 9.5 and 5. There were lots of things in my marriage that weren't good besides my figuring out I was a lesbian, but that was the catalyst for the huge changes I would make in the year following my first postings to the board.
Like you, I had crushes on women, and the desire to be with one became so overwhelming and overpowering I could hardly stand it. I watched lesbian movies, posted here, and got my hands on anything I could find about the lesbian community. I knew then that I was "one of them".
I eventually divorced and am now living with my partner (co-CL Caly here--we met on the board!) and my girls (share custody with exH). It was the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my entire life, but I'm now living the "happily ever after" that so many people dream about. It can happen, but you have to be VERY strong. I know that I'm a better mother now because
Ladies,
Thank you for your advice! I have taken what both of you mentioned into consideration. I don't know if I am ready yet to make the leap for several reasons. I think I need to go through therapy and sort out my feelings, so I am prepared with whatever decision I decide. Also, my husband will be going to Iraq in July; thus, I would ot feel right telling him before he left. He is a really good Dad, man and husband, so I don't how to break his heart. Your words have helped me!
Thank you,
Tara
I am glad that we could help Tara,
Please know that you are welcome to come back and post anytime about anything you need help with.
Sounds like you have a great plan of action! Therapy will be very helpful I hope.
Good luck and hugs!