Relationship help
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| Mon, 03-12-2007 - 10:41am |
Hi everyone.
I have been going through a real whirlwind of emotions lately. I don't need advice really, because only I can truly answer the questions I have, but I need to know how I can make sense of it all.
My girlfriend and I have been together for the last three years. This was the first lesbian relationship (and first relationship period) for either of us. I am 26 and she is 24. At first, it seemed like a love at first sight thing for both of us. We met online and that's how we reacted when we first started talking and when we saw each other's pictures in a chat room. Neither of us was looking for a relationship (it was not a chat room for people looking), it was just a random encounter if you will. It progressed quickly, first with us talking online all the time, then talking on the phone all the time, and finally meeting about three months later. Again it seemed to be love at first sight. Lots of strong emotions from touch and not wanting to be apart.
Before we even met, we discussed that both of us may well be asexual (wanting love, but not sex). Well, after we met, that changed quickly! We got curious very soon after - many teenagers held off far longer than we did. We did try sex/making love and I enjoyed it. There was a lot more at first though, and I always knew something was wrong. Well, about a month ago, it finally started to come out. I tried to make out with her and I could tell she wasn't into it. After some discussion of the matter, she said that making out, sex, etc. felt forced to her, but she still loved me very much and hated herself for feeling that way. She told me how her high school crushes and the like involved thoughts of companionship only, not thoughts of both companionship and physical acts/curiosities (ie she never thought what does my crush look like scantily clad or naked)?
Anyway, I've really thought to myself that I wonder if I'm still in love with her (if I ever was). I know I love her very dearly, but like I said I don't know if I'm in love with her as well. There is the whole sex and other physical intimacy aspect, but I do also find myself annoyed with her at times. I know even a "perfect" couple would experience this too, but I don't know if I'm annoyed more than I should be for an ideal relationship or if I'm within the normal range. There have also been times in the past where I feel she has taken advantage of me financially. I felt that when I first met her, I would have given everything I owned to be with her. Material things are nothing compared to love. HOWEVER, I also feel that you shouldn't take what your sweetie has worked hard at just to get what you want (rather than what you need). She has always been in debt and it has always been my responsibility to pay the bills on time and have money on hand in case of an unexpected financial problem. This has been with us earning virtually identical (sometimes exactly identical) salaries throughout the majority of our relationship.
So, to begin to wrap this up, my girl has said lately that she is completely willing to make out (we've done a few times in the past month now) or have sex (we've done once now) and to not have it feel forced. We've talked a lot about my possibly "not in love" feelings and I wonder if she has had a sudden change just due to the fear of possibly losing me.
I also wonder too that even if we were to break things off, what we would do as we live together and have very intertwined lives. Also, how would I meet someone new - and there is no guarantee that things would be any better with anyone else. How do I know if I'm in love still (or ever was) or not? How do I know what is normal "annoyance" of a loving couple? What does it truly mean to be made happy by your significant other?

First off, welcome. My name is Sebastian and I'm a ftm. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Even though you will receive many responses after mine, you did ask a question at the bottom of your post.
I look at it this way, if you are happy with each other and you still communicate with each other, why are you expecting this relationship to end? If the two of you are listening to each other's needs and wants, what's the problem? Only time will tell if you are still in love with each other, no one can tell you that. Even loving couples annoy each other, that's a part of a growing, committed relationship. The best way to know if you're making your girlfriend happy is to ask her. I couldn't answer that question for you.
Thanks,
Sebastian
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
Welcome Taylorwatts! So glad you found us and posted.
My brain is a little fried due to a busy day at work, but I thought I'd pass along a few things. First, as you said a lot of these issues you'll have to sort out yourself. As to how you know whether or not you're still in love, for me it's the overwhelming feeling I have that makes me want to be with my partner 24/7, even if we're doing different things, just being in the same room with her makes me incredibly happy. I think it's never growing tired of each other and always experiencing that special "spark" that makes a relationship so special. It's just something I know and feel in my heart. Sex is definitely a part of that, but connecting as soulmates is probably the greatest indicator that one is in love.
And IMO for some people it's perfectly normal not too feel love through touch. You are doing the right thing by listening to her needs and feelings about it, but you shouldn't sacrifice your needs either.
The financial issues need to be sorted out as a couple. My partner Caly (co-CL here) handles money a lot better than I do, but I've learned how to manage it and we plan together.
Yes, there are hurdles to overcome but in the end knowing that you can trust your partner and that she will always be by your side is how you get through. My biggest piece of advice is to COMMUNICATE. It's hard but it does work!
I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll keep posting!
I know sex isn't the be all or end all of a relationship.
In fact, I much prefer making out to sex. I worry that I've lost the spark and that I don't always want to be around her sadly.
I hope things work out for the two of you.
Hugs
Hey Taylor Welcome!
One thing you said really stood out for me.
SarahMcCoy1985@yahoo.com