Man or Woman, that is the question...
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| Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:05am |
Hello Everyone,
I am very very new to this Ivillage place and came on as a last resort for some closure and possible advice.
I'm going to start by introducing myself and saying a little bit of why I'm here.
I'm 23 years old and currently married. My husband and I have been married for only a short period of time and already going through turmoil in our marriage. Without spending too much time telling you why, I will say infidelity on his part took place and I have found that I can't trust him anymore. We have struggled ever since our marriage began to move on but I keep finding things behind my back that lead me to believe there is more that is not being said. Annnnywhoooo, we here can all agree that men suck anyway...otherwise..why would we be here on this message board right? LOL
My dilemna starts here. I have always been a very girly girl. Always had a boyfriend. Through my preteen years I found that I was strangely (and very quietly) attracted to other girls..though I thought it was not normal and it would pass. Girls on my soccer team, friends at school. Well, having grown up and gone through several horrible relationships, MANY in which ended in me feeling abandoned, I felt a sense of "Is this it?" I went through many periods where I was boyfriend-less and going out all the time with my girlfriends. At my age now, I do see the attraction to women is only getting stronger. I have made friends with a lot of girls who are at my age and experimenting. My best friend and me have always had this strange sister bond but also feel a little bit of chemistry. I've even kissed her once while we were out clubbing. This feeling that I am having of attraction feels stronger than the average "Oh, I'm drunk..I wanna kiss a girl for attention" type bit that most girls do at my age. This is an honest feeling of deeper connection to my same sex.
Which brings me to the most important part of my story. I am a myspace addict and met a girl on there who lives in the UK who was just a chat buddy to start with. We'll call her *L*. Harmless comments and emails here and there; more like a pen pal if you will. After spending weeks talking to this girl and getting to know her more, she did tell me that she is a lesbian and has been in several different relationships. This came as a shock to me but I can't say that it wasn't a good one. After spending more time talking, the flirtation came up and it turned into us talking every single day on the phone, messenger, webcam, and email without fail. At first I was very very uncomfortable with what I was doing. I felt like I was not only doing something wrong in my failing marriage but also against my family. I suppose now would be a good time to tell you what kind of family I'm from.....RELIGIOUS MEXICANS. Enough said. Grew up in a house where homosexuality, infidelity, interracial relationships were completely unaccepted and considered filth. So as you can imagine, having late night talks with this girl that made my heart skip a beat was making me have nightmares of being damned for life! I am telling you, she is the most amazing amazing woman I have ever spoken to. She knows my situation completely and to my shock, supports me. I have always heard women talking about being with a woman is so much more different. That its a deeper connection and now I can see what they mean. She actually listens when I talk. She asks me how my day was. She knows exactly how I feel about everything I'm going through. After a month and a half of talking to her non stop and having several teary-eyed conversations about how miserable I am, she has brought up the possibility of meeting her and has offered to come here and "show me" what I should be treated like. She is career driven and makes a good amount of money. Thats not whats important to me whatsoever but she constantly offers me trips here and there. She even tells me she will take care of everything just so I can come and stay with her. The idea of being whisked away from a horrible marriage does sound appealing, I wont lie. But I still have my doubts about what I'm doing. I am torn between the bond I have made with this stranger and the "female duties" to my husband. Lately, I have felt more empowered talking to her than I ever have my whole life! She has reminded me what a beautiful person I am and how men can often times belittle us into believing we are anything less than what we are- A strong woman! I have slaved away for my husband to no benefit. I have spent several nights looking at myself in the mirror saying "Why?..Am I not thin enough? Do I not cook enough? Is my love not enough?". And to be honest ladies, this is EXACTLY how I feel coming out of every damn relationship...I have grown tired! I'm 23 years old stuck in a 50 year old mentality. Until her, I felt this womanly duty to suffer quietly through my marriage, feeling unfulfilled and tired. Having my own mother tell me that "As women, our job is to suck it up and keep going. Men cheat, women dont. You just keep on keepin' on and he will eventually realize how he's hurting you". Correct me if I'm wrong but...isn't that called "slavery"? Since when have women turned backwards so much that we are supposed to just sit there like ducks until he decides to move in for the kill. Sorry, I'm ranting. Back to my point..I have realized so much about myself and what I shouldnt put up with thanks to this amazing, beautiful, intelligent woman. The controvery I'm going through is deciding whether this "phase" I'm going through right now is due to all the men that have hurt me and is pushing me to see what else is out there. Or is this a sign from the depths of my heart of what I really want? If so, I will no doubt lose my family if I were to leave my good-providing-strong-armed-chauvenistic-cheating-lying-sorry-excuse-of-a-husband and run away with a woman. I will never be able to look my mother, grandparents, friends in the eyes and say "Hi, I'm Bi". I would just like for someone to tell me what they think of this issue I'm having.
For anyone who has read to the bottom of this long essay, bless you for it. I would appreciate any and ALL advice I get on here from you ladies.
Thank you girls!

Hi and Welcome to the board!
Being stuck in a marriage that doesn't feel 'right' is all to common for many of us that came here
Hello bellafemmina,
Sorry that you're going through this, I do hope you come to terms with your husband and you mom.
Sebastian
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
Hello and welcome.
It sounds like you have a lot going on right now. Many of us can relate to having religious families who vilified homosexuality and trying to stay in heterosexual relationships because that is what we were "supposed" to do.
Here is my advice. I'm not a therapist or a relationship expert, so take it for what it's worth....
I know right now you are all atwitter over this woman you met online. The early stages of love and attraction are incredibly exciting -- especially when it comes at a time when you are feeling down about other aspects of your life. She makes you feel smart and desireable and gives you hope that you can get out of the negative situation that you are in.
However, my advice is that you need to work out your current situation before getting embroiled in a new relationship and making it harder. Maybe this woman is "the one" for you, and if so she'll understand that you need time. If she's not willing to let you deal with your marriage or family properly and encourages you to have an affair with her, then she's probably not someone you need in your life anyway.
I would take a step back from your relationship with her and examine only your marriage. The fact that your husband cheated on you may be a complete deal breaker for you. If so, you need to tell him that and leave. What he did was wrong -- no doubt about it -- but it would also be wrong for you to cheat on him or for you to prolong this relationship for years even though you know you can never forgive him and move on. I hate to sound like a chastising mother, but: two wrongs don't make a right.
If the infidelity is not an automatic out for you, you need to determine whether you want to stay in this relationship. Try not to think about what your family wants you to do, just think about yourself. Why did you marry this man? You must have been in love with him at one point. Do you love him? Do you want to try to make it work? If so, get marriage counseling. Focus all your energy on saving your marriage and stop flirting with the idea of leaving him or having an affair.
If you can't forgive him for the affair or if you examine the relationship and decide it's not worth saving, you need to leave. Use the time it takes to finalize your divorce to get to know yourself again. Try not to rush into a new relationship (with a man or a woman) just let yourself have a little time to be single and focus only on yourself. Let yourself be open to noticing those around you and examining who you are attracted to. Read some literature on coming out (like From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life) and see if you can relate to the stories. Consider going to see a therapist/counselor who specializes in coming out/glbt issues. They will help you explore your past and your feelings without pressuring you to label yourself.
Then, once you are confident that you know yourself and what you want out of life, you can look for a new romantic partner. It may be a man, or it may be a woman. Only you know what will be right for you. Either way, after spending some time becoming a strong, independent single woman and getting to know yourself and your desires, you will be a wonderful partner. But you can't be a true partner to anyone (male or female) until you know yourself first. That's why I'd strongly recommend that you not rush into a new relationship right away -- certainly not before you've at least ended one relationship.
Good luck. You've found a great support system on this board. That's a great first step.
Hi Bellafemmina! Welcome to our group! Glad you found us and posted. You have gotten a lot of awesome advice so far. I know you were probably being light-hearted when you stated that we're here because we think men suck, but that is definitely not the case. Many of us have been married before and still have good relationships with our ex's and I'm sure many here have some great male friends. I just don't want to perpetuate the stereotype that all lesbians hate men.
On to your dilemma, I do agree that you need to figure out what's going on with your marriage before you get involved with someone else. I know how hard it will be not to focus solely on *L*, but in the end you will be much better off if you can sort out your current situation first. I personally would not stay in a relationship in which I was not an equal partner, and it sounds like you aren't going to be able to play the submissive role long-term. You shouldn't have to. Relationships aren't about "sucking it up"; they are about love, commitment, trust, and respect. But, you know that... Take some time to delve into your soul and figure out your identity. Be true to yourself, and build yourself a strong support network. A counselor can be a great resource in helping you through this time of discovery.
Last, but certainly not least, keep talking to us! We are a great group of diverse, fun, and supportive women and we want to help!
Hey, welcome to the board.
I'm relatively new here myself and am experiencing many of the things you are feeling. I must say that the 50 year old mentality ain't what you think it is. Smile.
However, I have to agree with the rest of these good women. Sort out what you want and need (this is what I am doing) and then move from there. Journal, but be careful, use "stream of consciousness" sometimes and take it slow. These folks have been counseling one day at a time, and it pretty much works.
There are awful days, good days, days you want to crawl into the hole and pull it in after you. Just plant a little seed of yourself in the hole and see what grows!
And wow! I would not stay in any relationship that made me feel that bad and to tell you the truth I have left relationships for those reasons.
You deserve much better.
Whether it is a man or a woman you should feel good in a relationship.
Have you thought about getting out of your relationship with your husband and then taking it slow with the woman. Or anyone for that matter?
Is there anywhere you can stay if you get a divorce? Would you have any support at all. (If say you left him only because of marital troubles and not another person)?
I hate to see anyone in your shoes. I hope you can work through this, but the marriage sounds like it is over even if there were no other people in the backround.
You don't have to run right off with your stranger. You could just have her come for visits and vice-versa. Until you are more sure of that relationship.
I hope all works out for you soon!
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Hi Bella & Welcome.
Others have given you some good advice.
Pieces of My Life