When to come out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
When to come out?
23
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 6:32pm
Hi everyone! I have been reading the Message boards for a few weeks and it has been helpful. I have just recently realized I was gay. For years I have suffered from depression and when I came to this realization I was the happiest I think that I have ever been. I luckily have a couple of lesbian friends that helped me realize this but it was nothing sexual. I have come out to my friends and my sister. I have not come out to my parents though. My friends believe I should wait until I have my first girlfriend. I look forward to you comments.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 6:43pm

Hi :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 8:42pm
That was sort of my thought. I mean the last thing I want is for someone to get "blamed" for my being gay. I have felt "different" all my life and if I had put some things together I would have know. After reading some of the message boards I realized that I came to the the realization pretty early at 26.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 10:41pm

Yeah :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 9:52am

Hi and welcomesunny.gif


I am glad that the board has been helpful so far and that you came out of lurkdom.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 10:03am
Hi and welcome!
I agree with the other poster who said, come out to your mom while you are single. You don't want the girlfriend to be blamed for influencing you. That happens alot.
I am glad to hear you are much happier now too.
I hope all goes well in your coming out with your mom. I came out to my sister first too.
My mom blamed the navy for "turning" me gay. Lol. She is way cool with it now though.
Sometimes they freak at first then come around.
I hope all goes well.
Keep us posted, we are here for you.
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 6:43pm

Welcome, hippynative! Glad you're here. I think you have to trust your gut on deciding when to come out to your parents. Like the others said, the ideal situation would probably be for you to come out before you have a girlfriend, but it really depends on your parents and how accepting they are in general. My parents didn't know about me until I was already with Caly (my co-CL and partner *smiles), and she was planning to move to be with me. But, they were more accepting than I ever imagined.


Take it slowly. I think you'll know when the time is right.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 9:03pm

Hey, sister. Welcome. I have known most of my life, but was unwilling to put a name to it. I have been slowly coming out for about 6 months with more revelations than I wanted in the last 3 weeks. Go slowly. I agree that you should probably tell your mom when you are comfortable, before you have a girlfriend.
I am gearing up for my mom, but I want to do that face to face, and she lives 4 states away. It will have to wait until I get there this summer.
This is a great place. Hope to see you again.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 7:49am
Hang in there. You are not alone. I myself did not figure out that I was a lesbian until I feel in love with my girlfriend, Danielle. Before that, I thought I was straight. But from her, I learned just how great a gay relationship can be. She is a truly loving, caring person. You will find that special person.
Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 2:26pm

Hello and welcome. I'm also 26 and have been out for about three years now. Coming out to my family was difficult because they are EXTREMELY religious and politically conservative. I've known all my life that I was different, and I think if I had grown up in a family that was accepting and had had gay role models, I probably would have come out in high school. Instead, I grew up in a family where being gay was seen as the ultimate sin (well, second to being an abortion doctor, maybe). Not a week went by that I didn't hear my parents and/or pastor rant about "the gay agenda" and evils of homosexuality.

Because I knew how badly my parents would take the news (and because we were already somewhat estranged by the time I came out) I really didn't want to do it face-to-face or even over the phone. I was hoping that by writing a letter, I would be spared their immediate reaction (which I was sure would be horror and anger) and they would have a chance to compose themselves before we spoke again.

That worked really well for us. Three years later, we're still not on great terms, but they seem to have accepted the fact that I'm not going to change their mind. And although they haven't met Jamie yet, they know about her and don't see her as the cause of my homosexuality. For that reason, I agree that it would be best that you tell your parents BEFORE you meet your first girlfriend. You don't want them to think that this is just a phase or that she has somehow tricked, coerced, or seduced you. Let them get out any negative feelings they might have about your sexuality before introducing them to someone you love.

Hopefully coming out to your parents will be surprisingly easy. I have a lot of friends my age whose parents were VERY supportive, even if they didn't expect them to be. If you are really nervous about it, I highly recommend doing it in a letter or email. I don't think it's cowardly -- I think it's a good opportunity for them to react privately. It's quite possible that they will be shocked and sad. If they cry, you don't need to see that. Once they calm down, they might be very supportive and be sorry for their initial reaction. If you didn't see it, that's one less thing for them to worry about.

You also might want to break the ice a little by talking to them about gay friends of yours. Seeing how they react to the fact that you have gay friends, might clue you in to how they will react when you come out to them.

Good luck!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 4:50pm
Update
I went to my dad's house for Easter. While I was there I told him. He took it so Incredibly well. He said that he was proud of me no matter what. His only request was that I never marry a Republican Lawyer. It was so great. I still haven't gotten the courage to tell my mom yet. I will keep you informed on when that happens. I know that everyone who comes out doesn't have the same great experience. I'm grateful for it. He also willing to “adopt” a couple friends of mine who's family did not take their coming out as well. I always knew he was a great dad but now words just can't describe the way I feel about him.

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