Bi now, lesbian later? (I'm new here)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Bi now, lesbian later? (I'm new here)
22
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 4:53am

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I was searching online for a forum where I could just talk to someone.. anyone.

I am having a rough time right now. I have come out as being bisexual to mostly everyone in my life. I am okay with that. I know that I have been torn over my sexuality since I can ever remember. However, I still don't feel certain about being bisexual.

I have been dating a guy for almost two years now. I love him dearly. But it seems with every passing day, I feel less and less attracted to ... well.. men. I know that I love him, but at the same time I feel like I'm holding something back when I am commited to him. I can't help but fantisize about being with a woman...

I need help. I am so stressed and depressed over this. I don't know who I am.

Is there any advise out there? Has anyone else gone through something similar?

--Genevieve

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 8:14am

Genevieve, welcome! I am fairly new to this place, but I can sure identify with you, but I have been married for a lot of years. The women here have lots of good advice, but the best that I have heard is to take it slow. You are at least one step (if there are actually steps) ahead of me, as I have not come out to many people at all and not all of that went well.

It is confusing and a little scary and, you may be right on the "lesbian later" thing. Most mornings I wake up and say to myself, "You don't have to make any decisions today." This has calmed me down as I have been crazy with this.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 9:04am
Hi and welcome to the board!
You are in the right place. Many people here are or have been in your shoes at one time or another.
You don't have to make a decision until you feel at peace about it. You can take it slow as Blue said.
As to whether you are bi or lesbian, that will be up to you when you feel comfy to decide. Just take it one day at a time.
Although it sounds suspisiously to me that you are either bi or lesbian, ; )
Take it slow...
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 9:32am

thwelcome2green.jpg


Hi Genevieve!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 6:50pm

Welcome, Genevieve! So glad you found us and posted! One suggestion I have for you aside from what everybody else has said is to immerse yourself in the GLBT community as much as possible...and I don't mean go hang out at a lesbian bar, unless that's something you want to do...I mean post here and other places, read lesbian books, watch movies, read lesbian magazines, etc. If you feel comfortable and/or "at home" then that will give you some answers. It's a feeling that's hard to describe, but you will know. For me it was a very powerful feeling, something that felt so right...more right than anything else.


Good luck and I hope you'll keep posting with us!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 10:09am

Dear Genevieve:

First off I want to wish you the best in your decision making. This indeed can be stressful. I can understand a little bit of where you are coming from. I was married - happily married. I loved my husband very much. But, I found that at times I would develop crushes on certain women I became to know or casually met. I kept all this to myself for years. Then, I began to wonder if I were a lesbian. My husband and I split due to this and my happy marriage ended. I felt that I was not giving my entire self to him.

Since then, I have missed being married. It has been rough. Actually, it has been a nightmare. No one locally has a clue as to what I've been questioning or wondering about my sexuality. My family is Christian conservative, so coming out to them alone without any other support system is something I've avoided. I live in an area where everything is hidden. I ended up seeking support online and ended up getting very, very hurt. Since then, I've been afraid to open up too much online.

So, I don't know what kind of advice to give you but I can state this from my experiences:

*I was always taught growing up that men will lie and tell you they love you when they don't. Gay women do that too. I had this belief that I could connect to a woman better but so far that has not happened for me.

*I have found at least locally that lesbian couples do not like to hang out with single lesbians.

*Have a good support system made up of people who really love you and will accept you regardless. Because life becomes tougher when you are gay and going it alone will double your stress.

I'm not against the lesbian lifestyle. Obviously for some people it works. Good luck Genevieve.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 10:58am

Hi CHMOD! I don't believe I have had the opportunity to say Hello so,thwelcome2violet.jpg


I am sorry that your experiences so far have not been a positive as you would like.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 8:07pm
Hey, Chmod, welcome.
I'm pretty new here, and I came looking for support. The women here are just great. When you don't know where to turn or really feel crazy and depressed, they all come through for you.
I seem to be in a similar boat, just a little further behind. I came out to a best friend that I had fallen in love with (unfortunately in front of her husband whom I dearly loved as a mentor and friend), but it went horribly wrong.
Sometimes this just sucks and I want to crawl in a hole and die. Baby steps are right up my alley, but you know, I looked at my husband this evening and wondered how he was going to take all this.
I am sorry that things are all messed up for you right now. Just come here to talk. Nobody is judgemental. Some discussions are lively and fun and others are serious and thought provoking.
BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 7:52am
Genevieve, I understand how you feel. I used to think I was straight. Until I fell in love with my girlfriend, Danielle. I do not know if I truly am gay or if I just fell in love with someone of the same gender. I do not dislike men. If fact, I had never had a relationship with anyone, but men, until I fell in love with Danielle. She is a smart, articulate, and attractive woman. She has taught me just how great a relationship with another woman can be. She is so gentle and tender. Perhaps, I am bi. I don’t know. All that I do know is that I love here. Hopefully, you, too, will find that special woman to make your life complete!
Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:48pm
Hi there, like your little icon.. =)
I felt like that for years...Was with my boyfriend and Id see a pretty woman and mention it and hed say "yeah" lets have a threesome.. Id say yeah Ill leave you for a woman and hed laugh....Little did he know...that eventually I did become a lesbian...As I got older the feelings grew stronger and stronger..And Id see shows with these really pretty lesbians and think.."hey...thats like me" and then I became more comfortable with it and tried it...
I love women... And after being with women and going back to men..the sex is boring..Its soo totally different with women..more sexy and sensual...more fulfilling..more intense..
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 2:26pm

Sarah & everyone,

I had a very similar experience...married for 16 years and found myself having thoughts about my best friend. It lasted a long time before I even told her. Actually, her feelings for me started to change and she fessed up first...LOL! It worked out well for us but I think we were pretty lucky!

I am not much on labels. Someone once asked me what my "type" was....i turned to my GF and said I dont have a type I love her. I fell in love with her and it could have just as easily been someone else.

Dont worry about what you might be...gay, bi, whatever! You will know it when it hits you right in the face and you wont even see it coming!!

Daronda

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