Rejection and Fear

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Rejection and Fear
11
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 11:52pm

So, I live in a very conservative Catholic family who rejects gay people and don't "believe in them". What they do not know, though, is that they are living, breathing, and eating with one every day. I'm a teenager living in a house of fear. I need to tell them, because being gay won't change my life. I want a family, a good job, and a "normal" life, just with a woman, not a man. I want to share it with my family, but I'm too afraid.
Any advice from fellow "closet-sitting" mates or from bold "out-of-the-closeters"

Thanks!
Anne

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 3:24am

First of all, Welcome Anne. I'm glad you posted.
Wow...I cried a little when I read what you wrote. I come from a conservative Catholic family as well. I suspected I was a lesbian in Gr. 11 but I stuffed it down and focussed on getting good grades and being very involved in the Church. It's now 6 years later, and I'm just coming out of the closet. When I came to understand my sexuality, I knew it wasn't a 'sin' or an 'abomination' as my family would call it. It's just me, and it always has been me. Out of fear of my parents reaction, I stayed silent even to myself. I bided my time. I started a savings account from my summer jobs and on the last day of my Gr. 12 finals, I took a job out of town, moved out and never looked back. I still haven't told my family, but at least I live in the same town again. Having that seperation, that feeling that I'm unable to share my life fully with my family hurts. What stills my tongue now is the idea of their complete rejection of me would hurt worse.

You sound very comfortable with your sexuality, and your life goals. There's strength in that. I think before you come out to your family, really examine what all the possible reactions could be. I see you're a teenager, so I'm assuming you're still dependant for housing, money, schooling, etc. Could/would they take these things away from you? What would their acceptance mean to you? How could their rejection affect you? Is it worth the risk now? Can you wait?

I know what it's like to live in quiet deception, and what it can do to your soul. I'll never forget being asked to sign one of those mass produced postcards to our prime minister asking that the gay marriage bill not go through to law. I signed because I would have been the only one in the room who didn't and the Catholics around me would have noticed. I was very relieved when the government didn't bow to the pressure and they passed the bill. Now my province was one of the first to allow gay marriage. I hope to one day find a great gal and get married under that very law.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling now.....Good luck to you, I hope you can come to the answers you're looking for. I hope you post more on this board. Know that you are not alone! If you'd like to speak further, feel free to e-mail me at cymrueire@hotmail.com

Cheers! Celia

P.S. I'm still a Catholic and involved in my parish. It helps that our priest is gay and his pastoral assitant is a lesbian. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 7:22am

Hi Anne! thwelcome2violet.jpg


I am glad you found us and I think that Celia gave you some great advice.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 12:26pm

Hey, Anne. Welcome. I'm pretty new here, too. These women are great. I have to agree with Caly on this one. Are you able to be on your own? Have you thought out all the possible avenues that this could take?
I have only cracked the door open to the closet and I am waaaaay older than you are. Sometimes I sit there and think "if you only knew" about the people and family around me.
Yesterday during Easter dinner, I wondered if I could be happy without the family surrounding me if I come out to them. I am sure that I would not be included with that part of my family for a long time, if ever. It would be a HUGE step. Stop and think what is possible. Go slow, there is always tomorrow. I know that it can be agonizing and hurtful.

Today you don't have to make any decisions.....

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 12:36pm

Hi Anne,

The best advice I have for you is to be yourself at all costs. You don't have to come out today or tommorow, but at some point coming out will help you embrace your life as your own. I knew I was a lesbian at 14 (I'm 31 now). My sisters all suspected, my Dad too but nothing was ever said. I dated women but never came out to my family until I was 27 years old and met the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with, my partner Shelley. I have dealt with alot of rejection from my Mother. It does hurt and it makes me angry. However, I don't regret it at all. You cannot control someone else's actions. Just know that there is a great deal of strength and power in self love and acceptance.

Be happy,

Shannon

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Registered: 11-16-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 2:33pm

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Welcome, Anne! It's great to have you here. You've gotten some terrific advice so far. I think it's important for you to stay strong and be true to yourself. It's great that you are already so in touch with who you are.


I hope you'll continue to post and share your progress. Do check out gurl.com. Hopefully they can be helpful too.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 2:41pm

I agree with you Blue about imagining and preparing for how your family will react. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to come out. I lost virtually all of my ties with my exILs when I came out and got divorced. It deeply saddened and hurt me, but I knew I couldn't go on and had to be me. I filed for divorce in December three years ago. We spent Thanksgiving that year at

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:07pm

Wow, I could have written this post ten years ago. I know exactly what you are feeling.

I grew up in an extremely conservative, evangelical christian family. We were southern baptist, not catholic, but the mindset is identical. My family does not believe that people are born gay. They believe it is a choice -- a sinful choice. I routinely heard sermons that blamed most of the world's problems on those who had "turned their backs on god", namely homosexuals. My church and my family spent countless hours lobbying local, state and federal governments to prevent the passing of any legislation that would give gays any rights at all. They actually believe homosexuality should be illegal. In what should have been the safety of my home, I was treated to tirade after tirade railing against "the gay agenda" and was told outright that homosexuality was as evil as beastiality and pedophelia.

All the while, I suspected I was gay. I remember being attracted to other girls from as far back as middle school. For a long time I thought it was just normal friendship, and then I realized it was much more. At first I thought my family was right. I thought I was sick and twisted and that I was being tested by god. I thought my desires were sinful and evil, and that I would go to hell if I didn't repent and change my ways. I tried desperately to change. On the outside I seemed like a normal, happy, Christian teenager. I taught Sunday School and sang in the church choir. I was reasonably popular at school, had the lead in the musical, was president of tons of clubs, played two sports and was on the dance team. I was the all-american teenager. But inside I was dying. I lived in constant fear that my family would discover that I was gay and kick me out or send me to one of the ex-gay camps that they loved to discuss. I forced myself to date boys I didn't like to "prove" that I was straight. I couldn't sleep at night for fear that I'd talk in my sleep and give myself away. It was terrifying and I had no one to talk to.

And then I went away to college. And I met tons of gay people -- professors and faculty as well as other students. And I began to realize that there was nothing wrong with me except for my fears and denial. It didn't happen overnight, but eventually I accepted and embraced my sexuality.

Telling my family did not go well. I didn't tell them immediately after I came out because I was so happy for the first time and I didn't want them to ruin it. But I knew I couldn't keep it a secret forever. They were shocked and appalled. They refused to even discuss it at first, and then send me tons of bible verses and sermons explaining why it was a sin. Five years later, their views on homosexuality haven't changed at all. But I'm okay with that. We aren't close, but we're on speaking terms. They are still praying that I'll be "healed". I've learned to ignore that. I have a wonderful group of supportive friends who have become my family. They accept me completely. I live in a great city with a thriving gay population. I have an amazing partner who I love more than anything. We have a beautiful home and an adorable dog. We've picked out names for the children we'll have together.

One of the things that my family was really confused about when I came out was my plans for the future. They insisted that I couldn't be gay because I'd always wanted to have children, etc. But I knew that everything I wanted before -- a marriage, a home, a family -- I can have as a lesbian. I know tons of same-sex families, I even work as a nanny for one. My parents imagined me turning my back on a "traditional lifestyle" and embracing some crazy life of drugs and anonymous sex. I tried to convince them that wasn't the case, but that was all they could envision. That is something that has changed with time. They may not approve of my life, but they will admit that I'm really no different than my siblings (all of whom are straight and married). Eventually your parents will understand this too. But it's not something you can tell them. They'll have to see it to believe it.

That was a (really) long way of saying: you're not alone and it will get better.

When I was where you are now, I was desperate. I contemplated suicide, I thought constantly about running away, I made myself sick with worry. I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are already a step ahead of where I was then, because at least you already have accepted yourself and know that there is nothing to be ashamed of, bypassing the dreaded self-loathing stage. It sounds like you know that you eventually want to come out: you want to live openly as a lesbian, you are just scared of telling your parents and don't know how and when to do it.

Personally, I had no choice. I could not have come out in high school. My family would absolutely not have tolerated it and I would have found no support in my small, rural conservative town. I had to bide my time and wait until I could get out. And honestly, that worked for me. It was hard at the time, but mostly because I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I'd never be able to come out and mostly tried to imagine keeping it a secret for the rest of my life. But it would have been harder to be out there. Once I did get out, I surrounded myself with openminded people. So when I came out to them, no one batted an eye. Every single one of my friends was 100% supportive.

I don't know exactly how old you are, but if you're late teens, I'd recommend just sticking it out. If you only have a year or so left at home, grit your teeth and ignore them. Find support online -- like this message board and the other sites that have been mentioned -- and focus on your future. Then choose a college with an active Gay-Straight Alliance and a reputation for being open and accepting. Obviously that shouldn't be your ONLY criteria for choosing a school, but when narrowing it down, make sure it's somewhere that you'll feel comfortable. If you don't plan to go to college, move to a place where you can be out. You don't have to move to New York or San Francisco, there are active gay communities in nearly major metropolitan area. You can go anywhere you want, just look for a place that will be accepting. I would recommend not telling your parents until you are supporting yourself. That way you don't have to worry as much about their reaction. Obviously you want their love and support, but it's a lot less scary when you aren't also worried about being homeless.

If you can't wait, then you'll have to tell them and take your chances. I sincerely hope they will be tolerant, even if they can't bring themselves to be supportive. I also don't know what your high school is like. I could never have been openly gay in my high school. But I know a lot has changed in ten years. If you have a gay-straight alliance at your high school, you might try talking to some of the students in the group or to the faculty advisor to ask for advice and support.

I think the fact that you are looking for support online is a great start to coming out to those in your life someday. When you are ready, you'll find lots of support and suggestions for how to tell your family. In the meantime, be strong and remember that this is temporary. You have your whole life ahead of you and you won't have to hide who you are forever. If you want to talk privately sometime, you are welcome to email me through the link in my profile.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 6:05pm

Wow, Annie! You have a very interesting story. It's great that you were able to finally come out to your parents and be on speaking terms with them. Growing up in a conservative, religious environment with so much focus on hating gays must have been dreadful for you. I admire your strength and determination. You always have lots of great advice.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 6:57pm

Hey, Ting, thanks. I just want to tell you how wonderful coming here has been. I came here on a whim when I Googled the phrase "lesbian life." I know you know the feeling of, "where do I go, who do I tell, did I tell too many, the right people, GOD this is awful!" Sticking my toe out of the door, and then coming here with all of these supportive and caring people has truly settled me down. I feel like home here. Thanks to ALL who have corresponded via this board with me. I wish I knew you personally. I have, in the last week, set a timetable for myself for full disclosure and a weight has been lifted from me.

Keep on keepin' on

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 9:51pm

Hi Anne,


You've gotten boatloads of good advice.

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