desperate for help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
desperate for help
19
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:21pm

I really hope I get a lot of help from all of you. I am 47 years old, have only been with men, mostly one night stands and never wanting anything more. I never really enjoyed the sex that much anyway. After what's happening in my life now, and looking back at my life I think I am gay. Could I have repressed it for this long? Anyway, a new girl started at work about a year and a half ago. I notice she was starring at me at times and never thought anything about it. Then I felt the only reason she came over to talk to me was to look at my boobs, because that was where her eyes were all the time. She also became very flirtatious. I loved the way she acted and how she flirted with me. My body became alive and being with her was all I thought about. The thing is I couldn't flirt back to her, I loved what was happening, but I couldn't bring myself to do the same thing. I feel she doesn't know where she stands with me, how I feel about her. Things aren't really the same with us now, but the feeling is so strong, sometimes I feel everyone in the office can feel it. One person for sure I know thinks something more is going on between us. I don't care about that. The problem is, how do we move on from here. I want to go forward, I want to be with her, that's all I think about. I think we are both waiting for each other to move it on or say something, but neither one of us is. I feel I should be the one because I have been the one holding back. I want more from this, but don't know how to go about it. We haven't talked about it at all. I don't know if she has ever been with another woman, she doesn't know if I ever have been. I don't want to lead her on and then say "By the way, I've never been with another woman". What if I can't do what I've been fantasing about once I get the chance. Here's the big part, she's married. That was the first thing that held me back. But now I feel, well she was the one that started it. It bothers me that she is flirting with me while she is talking about her husband.

I need help, please!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 1:08pm

Hi There! thwelcome2green.jpg


I was all excited for you and ready to jump in and say "go for it" Till I read the line where you said she was married.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 1:28pm

I feel compelled to respond to your post, because I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I had dated women in my teens and early 20's but never officially "came out", although I knew I was gay. I made a huge mistake and got married, I had an enormous amount of pressure from my mother to do so. It was the biggest mistake of my life. A few months after I got married I started a new job, and on my first day I met Shelley. I knew she was a lesbian the second I saw her. She thought the same of me until she heard I was married. We became friends, although I started to develop very strong feelings for her. Fast forward a little over a year. A friend mentioned to me that I should stop flirting with Shelley because I was leading her on. This friend did not know my orientation........Shelley did. That was the catalyst for me to tell Shelley my feelings for her. We went and took our last break of the shift together and I told her that I was in love with her and had been for a long time. We stayed up all night messaging each other. The next day she came to work on her day off and waited for me to take my break. She held my hand and we had our first kiss, and that was it. We've been together ever since. It has not always been an easy road. I went through a VERY nasty divorce. After my divorce was final we got engaged and registered as domestic partners in September 2005. 99% of our coworkers were wonderful. They had never seen either of us so happy. Now that its been 3 years, most of our coworkers have a hard time remembering when we were not together. So, there can be a happy ending if you are both in the same place in terms of your feelings. You need to decide what you want first before you approach her. Once you know what you want go to her and have an open, honest conversation and see what happens. But, you could really get hurt if you have too much expectation. And even if she leaves her marriage for you, it's a long road.It's hard going through a divorce while starting a new relationship.Good luck! I really can sympathize with what you are going through!

Shannon




Edited 4/15/2007 1:30 pm ET by irishowl
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 1:42pm

Thanks for your reply. I need all the help I can get. I have already been dealing with the fact of getting hurt. I'd rather take the chance knowing I could get hurt than to never take the chance and then wonder what could have been.

We were friends and that's all I wanted from her at first. After all this started to happen, it seems like the friendship isn't important to her anymore. It seems like she has a one track mind, and it isn't on friendship. We used to have certain times of the day when we could be alone and talk (all superficial), but now it feels like she is making sure we have no time together by ourselves. I don't know if she's avoiding me, or the fact she feels people are on to us (I do) and that's her way of trying to hide it from others. Thinking if we are never alone, what could be going on. I did ask her once what I did that she was avoiding me and all she said was that she busy that day. Of course, she avoided me a week or so before I asked her and she's still doing the same thing. I want to communicate with her, how do I get her to communicate with me? My emotions are going from wanting her to hating her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 1:52pm

Hello,

If you are working together I think this liason could lead to a number of problems if something were to go wrong.

If she's new then you won't know her well. Could she be doing it as a joke? Something like this happened to someone I know (a gay man) and he had to leave work and nearly had a breakdown as the whole office was making fun of him.

Don't want to be a scaremonger, especially as someone else here has had positive results in a similar situation, but I think you ought to see another side.

Also, if she's married that leads to all sorts of other complications.

Good luck what ever you choose but take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 1:59pm
I thought of that too. If she was just joking with me, seeing how the others are going to react. I doesn't seem like it though. Anyway I can tell?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:17pm

I also wanted to say that even if this is not the woman for you it doesn't mean that love is not out there for you! It sounds like she has awakened alot of feelings in you that you may want to explore with other women, if things do not work out with her. Also, even though she is showing an interest in you it may just be her own curiosity. Alot of women who do not identify as lesbian still seek out a lesbian experinace, maybe that is what she's looking for?

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:44pm
Thanks for your replies. Since you were married, can I run something by you to see what you think? She has been married for sixteen years, like I said I don't know if she ever was with another woman. She got married young and had children right away. Sometimes I wonder if she didn't know then, but realized it after she got married. Now she is in a life she maybe doesn't want to be in but is afraid to pursue the life she wants becasue of her family and soicety. I know she has something for me, but sometimes I wonder if that's how she gets by in her marriage. Could she be fantasizing about women when she's with her husband to keep her marriage going? Maybe she doesn't want to go any further, but needs something to get her through. I also notice she really looks some of the other women up & down, but doesn't flirt with them the way she does with me. I am also the only single woman in the building. Does it sound really crazy? Any thoughts on this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 3:13pm

Hi again.


You have gotten some good replies so far as I knew you would. 8-)

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 4:55pm

It is possible that she is using her fantasies of women to make it more bearable to be with her husband. It's not something I did, because we didn't have much of a sex life. It was a miserable marriage for both of us. He had affairs from the very begining, and we were married for less than 2 years and did not have children. It may be hard for her to even imagine leaving her marriage, 16 years is a long time. I second the idea of getting her out of your work enviroment and trying to talk about your feelings.

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 6:02pm

Hey, Reluck. Welcome to the board.
I have been married so long, I can't remember what single is like or if there is really such a thing. ;) I came out last month, so it is never too late. Sex with my husband is okay, but there must be more than this, I think, and I do think about women when I am having sex with him. I must tell you that I am not "all the way" out and have never had a sexual experience with a woman, but have "made out" with a few. I am ready, but scared, to start this new portion of my life.

Now about you. I have read all of the other posts and you got some good advice. I am wondering if, when you are alone with this woman say at lunch, and are able to convey your feelings for her and her flirtations(perceived or real), do you think she will respond or deny? Be prepared for denial, especially since she is married. She may be just testing the waters, so to speak.

The woman who I came out to because I was in love with her, works with me and is married. Just to be clear, I came out to her in front of her husband professing a previous love for her. The circumstances are a little convoluted as to why I did this, but it's done! She will no longer speak to me, email, or text with me. I think she may ask for a transfer. She told many of our colleagues that we were no longer speaking, but I am not sure how many people she gave the reason, for my colleagues have had the good grace not to question me. She did out me to a mutual friend.

I know the emotional and physical draw can be exceptional. It just seems to build and build. She may be just waiting for you to make the first move. Weigh all the possible consequences, make your decision, and proceed with caution.

Gook luck and take care. We are all pulling for you here. Let us know how it turns out. These women are awesome and I sing their praises weekly! :) :)

Blue

BLUE DIA

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