desperate for help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
desperate for help
19
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:21pm

I really hope I get a lot of help from all of you. I am 47 years old, have only been with men, mostly one night stands and never wanting anything more. I never really enjoyed the sex that much anyway. After what's happening in my life now, and looking back at my life I think I am gay. Could I have repressed it for this long? Anyway, a new girl started at work about a year and a half ago. I notice she was starring at me at times and never thought anything about it. Then I felt the only reason she came over to talk to me was to look at my boobs, because that was where her eyes were all the time. She also became very flirtatious. I loved the way she acted and how she flirted with me. My body became alive and being with her was all I thought about. The thing is I couldn't flirt back to her, I loved what was happening, but I couldn't bring myself to do the same thing. I feel she doesn't know where she stands with me, how I feel about her. Things aren't really the same with us now, but the feeling is so strong, sometimes I feel everyone in the office can feel it. One person for sure I know thinks something more is going on between us. I don't care about that. The problem is, how do we move on from here. I want to go forward, I want to be with her, that's all I think about. I think we are both waiting for each other to move it on or say something, but neither one of us is. I feel I should be the one because I have been the one holding back. I want more from this, but don't know how to go about it. We haven't talked about it at all. I don't know if she has ever been with another woman, she doesn't know if I ever have been. I don't want to lead her on and then say "By the way, I've never been with another woman". What if I can't do what I've been fantasing about once I get the chance. Here's the big part, she's married. That was the first thing that held me back. But now I feel, well she was the one that started it. It bothers me that she is flirting with me while she is talking about her husband.

I need help, please!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 6:47pm
Thank you everyone for replying to me. I has really helped me, I feel relief knowing there is someone out there I can talk to and I am not alone with this. Some of your replies told me to get alone with her and talk to her. As I am sitting here thinking of all this, I realized something. I send the mail out at work in a little room where I am by myself for at least a half hour to hour everyday. She always came in at that time and we would talk. All at once that was one of ways I felt she was avoiding me. She didn't come in the mail room to talk to me anymore. I would go on break and when I came back from break her mail would be sitting in the mail room. That's why I thought she was ignoring me. Now I remember a couple of days ago, she came in the mail room and when we turned to talk to each other, she walked up to about two inches from me and I kind of froze. I said something dumb, small talk. She said a little in response and left. She hasn't been in since. Now I'm wondering if she can fell I get tense and nervous when we are alone together. That's the last thing I want to do, but I don't realize I do it until later. I always think "Well, I blew it again". I didn't respond the way she wanted me to. Am I trying to hard to make this happen that I'm blowing it? Turning her away from me? How can I get rid of the nervousness I do feel when we are alone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 7:34pm

Well, if you really want to know, say something like, "I like it when we are this close. I feel an intensity between us." Be prepared. She may bolt out of there like lightening! Then you will know and be able to move on or move on with this woman. She may be trying to make the first move and can't bring herself to do it.

The question is do YOU really want to know?

Not that I'm an expert!! I haven't had too many encounters and my love life sucks!

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 11:28pm
Hi and welcome,
I think she left the ball in your court now.
Tell her you are taking her to lunch today. (Like tomorrow) Just say, "We are having lunch together today, I'm buying, meet me here at _____ (insert time.)."
At lunch, just tell her that you really miss her company at work, and ask what happened.
Now the ball is in her court.
Do not speak after you say this, let it get uncomfortable enough that she feels compelled to say something.
Look into her eyes and smile at her while you wait for her to speak. The kind of smile that say's it is okay you can tell me.
And enjoy your lunch.
Please be carefull with the marrriage thing. Anyway I hope things go well which ever way you decide to work it out.
Please keep us posted!
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 6:41pm

I just want to say thank you so much for all of your advice. I guess it comes down to the fact that we have to be together and talk things over. Looking back, I did try to talk to her a couple of times. One time I started by saying we should be honest with each other and she got all funny and asked if I thought she was hiding something from me. I told her no, I didn't think she was hiding anything from me. Another time, I went to her and started to say something (I can't remember the words) in the line I wanted to talk to her and she kinda laughed and asked about what. It was the look on her face that made me say to her maybe some other time. Today we almost ran into each other coming in and going out of the bathroom, she jumped back and said "Oh my God, I'm sorry" I just joked and said "I didn't think I was that scarry", tried to make a joke of it.

Right now I feel like she is just toying with me and even though I think she wants more, cannot or will not bring herself to it. I did try to say something twice, I think it is time for me to move on and give up on it. I know someday I will find somebody that I can have an open relationship with. I feel communication is the best part of any relationship and we just don't have it.

Again, thanks a lot for all of your help. It did bring a lot of things into perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:37pm

Hi,


I am glad we could help in someway and I am sorry if things don't work out with this woman, but I am a believer of "if its meant to be it will be".

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:46am
Sorry but if she's married then my question is?.. Why is the union of marriage and or a

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 10:04pm

Cat, I don't think it is that simple. It can be agonizing realizing that MAYBE this isn't going to work, but I'm not sure. It's not always a matter of "sneaking around". I guess I am contemplating divorcing, but I am not really sure that I want to do that, yet. I am getting used to being in a "new skin" and I am not ready to emotionally destroy the person that I am with, until I have a little more concrete evidence that the path I am taking is the one I am supposed to be on. I need to be with(maybe not sexually, but maybe) more women like the people on this board, but in close physical proximity, to see if I am right and where I should go.

We don't know what is in the other woman's head here. Maybe she is soul searching herself, not sure what to do, weighing things back and forth. Marriage and committment are sacred, but things do happen in people's lives that change. I know that the most honorable thing to do is to divorce, but the safety net is too alluring and playing the field is scary. Maybe the other woman here feels the same.

Okay, enough rambling. Just another view. No harm.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 11:22am

Her being married is the whole root of this. That is why I ignored her at the beginning. And that is why I am afraid to say anything and really start something up. But I always wonder if she can't see that her being married isn't what is holding me back. Wouldn't you think that she would think that might be what is bothering me. To me, it would only show respect towards me to say something about it. Maybe not even directly, but something.

I am to the point I really don't care anymore. I have been trying so hard to keep at least our friendship together. I go and talk to her all the time and we still can talk and joke around together, but she rarely will come over to me and start up a conversation. But her avoidance of me just continues. It's something I can just feel by her actions. Now she's been going around and starting up conversations and talking to others she never talked to before, but avoids me. The hidden hurt I've been feeling towards the way she has been treating me finally came out yesterday. I feel she is punishing me for not being what she wants me to be. I feel I finally got the hint from her that there is nothing there anymore. So, I stayed away from her and basically treated her the way she has been treating me. The problem is, it hurt so bad to do this, I cried almost all day. I think I have real feelings for her and she is just looking at me for a little excitement in her life. I wonder now if she ever really wanted me as a friend at all or if she was only after one thing. It hurts so bad feeling that because I am not acting, saying or doing what she wants me to do, she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. This is the first time another woman ever really came on to me. I don't know how to handle it, I admit it. But since we have a lack of communication, how can I show her? I don't want to give up on it. Or should I? Maybe I just want a little excitement in my life, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 2:29pm

Welcome, reluctant. I'm sorry that deciding what to do has been so tough. I have to say that I think I'd back away from this woman. Sounds like she is confused and really doesn't know what she wants. And it's not good that she is avoiding you and possibly wanting you just for excitement. I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't communicate and be honest with me. Plus, she needs to sort out her marriage before she gets into a relationship with anyone else.


I know your heart is driving you to want to work it out and be with her, but you also

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