HELP NEEDED! what do i do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
HELP NEEDED! what do i do now?
19
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 7:59am
hi to you all i am new to all this so please bear with me! OK heres my story so far and why i need some help!
I've been with my husband for 10 years we have 4 gorgeous young children, our relationship hasnt been the best over the years, but lately its been at its worst and i do love him but just not in love with him anymore, i have a very close friend that has become my girlfriend it was not intentional, but has happen and i have realised that the way i felt about my husband is nothing compared to all the feelings i have for my girlfriend, i have never felt this way about anyone before we spend alot of time together and always enjoy ourselves she gets on great with my kids they love her, i wouldnt say im confused i know what i want now, but i am just really scared i dont want to hurt the children, i just wanted to hear from someone who may have been in the same situation and maybe would share your experience with me or even some advice, i dont know whether to tell my husband how i feel and then split or just split and give no reason to him either way i think it will be messy!
please comment what you think even if you havent been in this situation,
thank you
looneyspark

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 9:57am

Looneyspark,

I have been in your shoes as I am sure a lot of people on this board have. I was married for 16 years and have three girls and like yourself fell out of love with my husband. I have always had feelings for woman and finally got to a point where I just could not ignore them anymore. I had feelings for a long time friend for a while and much to my surprise she felt the same. Now, here we are 3 years later trying to live a normal life.

I wont lie to you...it was ugly and one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Most of our problems stemmed from her family, kids and ex. My kids were ok with all of it, took some getting used to but ok. My ex was even ok and we have a great relationship with him. As a matter of fact, he is putting new siding on my house as I am typing this.

Im not real good with advice but if you want to talk please feel free to e-mail me off list at daronda3@yahoo.com! I would love to talk to you, maybe I can help!

Daronda

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 10:26am

Welcome, Looneyspark. It's great to have you here. As Daronda said, some of us have been or are now going through what you are. I was there

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:26pm

Hi Looney Welcome to the Board!


I guess the one thing I have to say is before you dive into divorce or any life changing event like this, do a bit of soul searching and make sure its really what you want. Everything in your life will change in some way if you take this step so you just really need to be sure its what you want before you do it.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 10:16pm

Hey, Spark. Welcome.

I have just started posting here for about 3 weeks to a month, maybe not that long. I am going through something very similar to what you are talking about. I am no longer in love with my husband, though I do love him. I am sad that we have reached this state in life. Where we differ is that I don't have anybody to lean on, yet. I was in love with a married woman, and I told her. That has not gone well. In fact, I am all but dead to her.
I have also known for most of my life that I was a little different from my friends and family.

I am in counseling, and have been for about 3-4 years. My therapist is a life saver. She keeps me pretty grounded and speaks to me of dignity and fainess for all involved. I am not ready to leave, but I am heading in that direction. Get counseling for yourself from somebody who is gay-friendly and I think, a woman. The three things that I was looking for from a therapist was that she was female, had children, and was reasonably close to my age frame, so she would "get it."

I wish you all the best. Go slow. You don't have to make any decisions today or tomorrow. The wait can be excruciating, however.

Good luck

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 4:12pm

I have been in your exact situation, only I was the friend the married woman fell in love with. I can only share our experience. She loves her husband very much, but was not "in love" with him. She has two daughters (15 and 17) who I became very close with (I knew her husband when we were just friends). Despite trying very hard to fight our attraction, the friendship turned into a passionate love affair and she couldn't lie to her husband anymore. She told him she was in love with me. He did not want the marriage to end in spite of this. She left him and moved in with me. He begged her to let the girls stay in the house with him. It hurt her desperately, but she agreed.

The guilt is killing her. She is just going into therapy after two years of leaving him. Her mother and sister stopped talking to her. The guilt almost tore us apart (or I should say, we tore each other apart). It has been the most difficult situation of my life. I think about the pain I have caused this sweet, gentle man EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Do not do anything until you are absolutely sure you can deal with the circumstances. The passion you feel may be overwhelming right now, but when that fades - and it always does with any relationship, the damage and destruction of pain and guilt is a mountain (I'm talking Mount Everest) that you must be willing to climb. I am not saying don't follow your heart, but I am saying that you must be prepared for some very, very difficult times ahead. Be prepared for the fact that the relationship may not be strong enough to handle what is ahead. We almost didn't make it - we still may not. There are times when I wish I never came into her life. I love her, but in hindsight that love would have made me leave her alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 9:22pm

Thank you for posting this view. It has helped me think more clearly and calmed me down.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 3:22pm
hi, thanking you for giving your experience/advice it has helped and i know there is hard times ahead of me thats what im scared of im taking it slow and one step at a time thank you, i hope all goes well with you i know it must hurt you to see your gf go through all the heart ache, take care.
looneyspark xxxxxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 7:13pm

Hi! I hope it is not too late to respond to your post. I am in the same boat as you and all the others that have replied to you! I was married for 10 years with 3 kids when I started working almost 2 years ago. I met this woman who is 13 years younger than I am. We started talking and stuff, and one thing led to another and we started having an affair. I had never cheated on my husband before, and I had never been with a woman ever in my life before. There was just something about her that pulled at my heart. No one had ever made my heart feel the way she did. I knew after about 2 months that I wanted to be with her and not just have an affair. I ended up leaving my husband, telling him that I was no longer in love with him. I never told him or anybody in my family about what was going on with her.

Well, her and I have been together for almost 2 years now, and no one in my family knows (although her family does, she has been in other relationships with women). My x, my kids, my parents, none of them know. Sometimes it gets hard because we can't see each other socially as much as we would like. My kids know her as a friend that I work with, and we sometimes do stuff together, but that is all they know. In a way this has made us appreciate and cherish the time we do get together, and we take advantage of the moments we do get alone. I don't think I will ever let my family know. I know my parents would not accept it. Maybe when my kids get older, but I don't know.

Anyways, I hope this gives you a different perspective. I know a lot of women are a lot braver than I am when it comes to letting people know and dealing with the consequences. But this works for us. Good luck with everything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:22pm

Have you thought whether this friend is filling an emptiness due to absence of mother or close female friends when you were younger?

Could you be filling an absence in your friend's life?

You asked for comments even if not in the same situation. I married knowing i didn't like men and I had close female friends that were also married with children, there were a few I got very obsessed about - I didn't fancy them or even think of them as anything other than good friends, but I wanted to be with them all the time, many times putting them ahead of my own children.

It's only since I've decided to accept who I am that I can see what all this obsession was about. I always denied to myself the fact that I always preferred women over men, and that the friend cared, encouraged me, was interested in me in ways my husband wasn't. However, because I liked her so much I became overhelpful as I kept wanting to see her everyday and she took advantage in a huge way.

I was too scared to ever look for unattached female friends (who were uninterested in mem) when I was single and even after marriage, always became involved with people that were in relationships so there was no chance of me ever acting on my feelings.

I hope that your relationship is equal and there isn't an element of co-dependency if you are planning to make such a drastic change. Good luck!

Does any of the above relate to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:47pm

Hey, Ulka, how's it going?

Yep, yep, I get just what you mean about the obsession. I found myself doing things for certain people that I would NEVER have done for anyone before. It was just crazy. I now get what I was doing, but it doesn't make it any easier. It has just taken so long to get to this spot and who knows what the future holds?

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA

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