soul searching

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
soul searching
25
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 1:33am
Hi everyone...i've been observing the last few weeks and finally feel like I can open up to you all because everyone seems very sincere and since I am not ready to open up to anyone else and cant afford therapy, I know I can count on this board. OK!? I have been questioning alot about myself this last year. A girl came to work for our company and caught my attention. I was even having dreams about her,us, which I never had before about any girl ever. Unfortunately, she only stayed with our company about 3-4 months. I believe everything happens for a reason because since then I feel like I have been slowly woken up (so to speak). She brought back to the surface feelings I had when I was about 14 for another girl but at the time I didnt understand what all that was about but knew they were not "right" so I ignored it.I have had other crushes also but never allowed myself to pursue anything out of confusion, rejection, fear, shame from others.
So now I am doing alot of searching: reading books, movies, lesbian shows, the internet. I was very relieved to find out my story is actually common. This board is very comforting. My question is, how will I ever know for sure if I really am a lesbian? If my searching has brought me here, I think I already know the answer. I guess I just need confirmation. I dont have the luxury of being able to explore that side of it because I am a single parent of 2 children that are my priority right now. Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating because I cant live my life the way I want to. OK, gotta go........
Any advice would be helpful. Hugs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: mich_fl
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 7:06am

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: mich_fl
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 2:14pm

Hiya,

Your situation if very similar to mine. Single parent, just trying to accept things including teenage feelings for a friend.

Perhaps if I tell you what that was like, it may resonate with you and make you realise you're not the only one.

I used to get incredibly jealous when my best friend had boyfriends and I did everything i could to split them up. And when she left school at 16 and went to work for a young male dentist that she was always going on about - well it sent me insane! Eventually she told me in no uncertain terms that we couldn't be friends any more after her latest boyfriend complained about me wanting to see her all the time. I had a breakdown but it wasn't until years after marriage that I finally allowed myself to see what was going on.

When the children were small and I thought again about that friend (and the way I felt about other friends - all who were married with children) I knew that I really wanted a close friendship with a female friend, but just couldn't find anyone that wanted to be with me as much as I did with them.

I know when I was younger I think I must have weighed up the odds and picked marriage. Women who didn't want to be with men were either lesbians or boring spinsters - or so it seemed to me. I went round with my lesbian friends (who didn't know about my feelings) and that 'scene' didn't seem to fit the person I was. So being with men seemed a better option.

Did you feel the same?

I must admit that since I have decided to accept myself I have found it incredibly hard because I always have an image of myself as married or else with men around.

But I think that reading the posts here and chatting to people, hopefully will help you deal with all your feelings - as it is helping me.

Please feel free to email me if you want to discuss anything further.

All the best. Ulka

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: mich_fl
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 4:08pm

Welcome, Mich! So glad you posted. I had a pretty similar experience as I came out to myself. Since I was a very young child, I've had crushes on women...deep, deep crushes...never had the same intense feelings about men even though I got married and had children. When I began to really look inside and figure out why I wasn't happy several years ago, I happened to stumble upon a lesbian movie, and it brought up all those feelings I'd had for women in the past. I craved a relationship with a woman and began to explore the community through movies, books, music, and this board. I eventually met my partner and co-CL here, Caly, and we are very, very happy together.


I hope you'll continue to post with us and explore your feelings. You'll know when the time is right to make some changes, if that's what you decide you want to do.


Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
In reply to: mich_fl
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 8:53pm

Hi, Mich. Glad you posted. I am pretty new here, but you know, I have found home. I knew I was "different," although I hate using that term because it doesn't seem to work for me. I just feel like me. With so many "in your face" messages about sexuality, plus the subliminal stuff, it's really hard to be out there (good pun).

I think only you can tell or be who you want to be. Probably in the last 15 years my feelings have been strongest for women, but have not had the opportunity or motive to act. My children have been my priority also, but they are older now. Telling them will be interesting, but I think they know, or at least won't be surprised.

I suggest you go slowly. I have learned a lot in the couple of months I have been here, and hope to learn a lot more.

Keep posting. Everybody here is so great. We pick each other up when we are down and party when the good times roll.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: mich_fl
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:28am

Hi Mich..and Welcome~ Glad you decided to post after spending time reading our posts.. This isa


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: mich_fl
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 1:53pm
I have been trying to decide how to reply since you say that you cannot do anything right now since you are a single parent. But, if you met someone you could probably date or have her over etc, sometimes maybe.
There are alot of single parents who date or have g/f's. Even ppl on this board. I would say you don't have to suffocate.
You have to think of yourself too so that you can be happy with the children.
I don't know if I am making any sense here or not so I will stop for now.
Hugs, and welcome,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
In reply to: mich_fl
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 7:44pm

Hi Mich....


Welcome to the board!!! You have come to a wonderful place for support.

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
In reply to: mich_fl
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:22am
Caly,
Thanks for replying. I wish this was easier. Some days I feel patient about the way my life is going and other days just the opposite. I guess the only reason I doubt myself is because I was married. But......he was the first and only one I have ever been with.( Its a self esteem issue which is a whole other conversation) :> It was never great with him (mentally abusing at times, controlling always) but I dont have any other experiences to compare it to. What I felt with other women was more of an emotional connection. Although..that dream I had about that girl was incredible. I woke myself up all hot and bothered. OH MY! I can relate with women alot easier and have a hard time dealing with the feelings I get, not knowing how to express them, wanting more from them and then pushing them away inadvertantly because of it. Like I'm sending out weird vibes or something. I never have that happen with guys.
I know the next step for me is to start meeting women but I am scared. People are way too judgemental. Maybe I am over reacting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
In reply to: mich_fl
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:40am
Hi ting!
You are right. As I wrote to Caly, the feelings I develop are much more intense for women and when they are straight its hard not being able to express to them how I feel about them. I watch movies, shows and read and get the yearning feeling to have that with a women. I want that bond, connection, be able to love in an unconditional way, to be able to be totally free to express my feelings, thoughts, just be myself with someone. I think that's why I have days I am very frustrated. This soul searching has been very eye- opening for me. Its the first time I have really dug deep to figure out what I wanted, what will make me happy. You and Caly are blessed to have found each other. Hugs to you both.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
In reply to: mich_fl
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 1:09am
hey blue!
I can relate alot to what you said. I feel the same way about being home. Everyone needs a place where they can feel accepted by others and be able to express themselves without any fears of rejection. I think society has come a long way but there are alot of subliminal messages still out there about what is "right" and "wrong" and what is "accepted" as normal. :(
I missed your first messages and was wondering if you waited to make changes because of your kids or just couldnt wait any longer? I can't imagine how much harder this would be if I was still married. Believe it or not my sister-in-law came out to my brother last year. They are still living together until the house is sold and everything is divided but it is really taking its toll on my brother. I think thats why I haven't said anything to him. He's my best friend but he's going through so much right now of his own. I usually tell him everything and I will when his life calms down a bit so its great to be able to come and vent and get so many point of views from what you share with everyone. Ok, everyone take a deep breath and slooowwly exxxhhaale. Ah, I am feeling better already. :)

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