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soul searching
| Tue, 05-01-2007 - 1:33am |
Hi everyone...i've been observing the last few weeks and finally feel like I can open up to you all because everyone seems very sincere and since I am not ready to open up to anyone else and cant afford therapy, I know I can count on this board. OK!? I have been questioning alot about myself this last year. A girl came to work for our company and caught my attention. I was even having dreams about her,us, which I never had before about any girl ever. Unfortunately, she only stayed with our company about 3-4 months. I believe everything happens for a reason because since then I feel like I have been slowly woken up (so to speak). She brought back to the surface feelings I had when I was about 14 for another girl but at the time I didnt understand what all that was about but knew they were not "right" so I ignored it.I have had other crushes also but never allowed myself to pursue anything out of confusion, rejection, fear, shame from others.
So now I am doing alot of searching: reading books, movies, lesbian shows, the internet. I was very relieved to find out my story is actually common. This board is very comforting. My question is, how will I ever know for sure if I really am a lesbian? If my searching has brought me here, I think I already know the answer. I guess I just need confirmation. I dont have the luxury of being able to explore that side of it because I am a single parent of 2 children that are my priority right now. Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating because I cant live my life the way I want to. OK, gotta go........
Any advice would be helpful. Hugs.
So now I am doing alot of searching: reading books, movies, lesbian shows, the internet. I was very relieved to find out my story is actually common. This board is very comforting. My question is, how will I ever know for sure if I really am a lesbian? If my searching has brought me here, I think I already know the answer. I guess I just need confirmation. I dont have the luxury of being able to explore that side of it because I am a single parent of 2 children that are my priority right now. Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating because I cant live my life the way I want to. OK, gotta go........
Any advice would be helpful. Hugs.

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Sorry laurie. I should have been clearer in my first message.
You're right. I should be able to be happy too, and date, and live my life the way I want. The only problem is that my ex husband is not the kindest person. Maybe he's the real reason I feel like I am suffocating. We have been divorced for 6 years and he's still trying to control me. I admit, in a way, I still let it happen to a degree because I am always trying to "keep the peace" for the sake of the children. As I wrote to Cat, the kids never asked for any of this. Alot of what I do is still based on What will his reaction be to (????????????????). I'm working on it, though. One step at a time.
Thanks for your input. *hugs*
>I guess the only reason I doubt myself is because I was married.<
Hehe Mich, if being married at one point means you can never be a lesbian, I dont think there would be many lesbians on the planet!
I kind of waited for my kids, but I myself, can't hold any longer. I have only come out to a few of my friends. I am pretty sure my son knows, because he asked me if I was a lesbian in front of this girl friend! What an awkward moment that was. :) lol I think the DH and his family will be horrified. They have survived my brother-in-law's coming out, so maybe it won't be so bad. The other brother-in-law is an exMarine, with my nephew in the Marines and I just don't think that will be a good scene. I am not even sure they know about the other brother and it has been years.
Anyhow, I am planning on visiting a GBLT group in the middle of May. I know that sounds weird, but I am in a union and we are having a state conference this month. We have a caucus there. I have lurked around the door, but never gone in. I have two gay friends who said they would just invite me along. They are two great guys.
I am wishing you all the best. I hope you are holding up well.
I feel so drawn to women that it is sometimes hard not to just scream. Course, then they would send me to the crazy house and that wouldn't be any fun. I am always looking now. It has sort of opened up the pool of available people. Yeah, I know I am married, and have been for a LONG time, but things change.
Hugs
Blue
I have great admiration for anyone who goes on a soul searching journey. It can be painful but also very freeing and revealing as I think you are finding.
I can identify with you on the situation with your children. I have two daughters (9.5 and 5.5), and I divorced their father 2.5 years ago. It was a messy situation because I was out to him at that point. But we get along now, and I think he sees that I do truly love my girls and would not do anything to hurt them. I understand your being cautious, though, and I think that is a very smart decision.
Like lauriedav said, it's ok to go after your happiness. If you're happy and true to yourself that will reflect on your kids and how you interact with them. I know that I have a lot more fun with my girls now that I'm happy and more confident.
Good luck and please come back when you can!
sounds like you might me to me.try dating a lesbian woman and see what happens and this should tell you what is going on..
Hi ulka,
Sorry I did not respond sooner..but what you wrote did hit a very familiar chord. Thats why I like it here. Its nice to be able to share your feelings with others that can accept what we have to say without judgement.
I felt the same way you did about everything you wrote. Anyway, so now what do I do? I don't want to wait 10-15 more years but I also dont want my kids going on this ride with me, dont want them to get hurt. The one I am afraid of causing the most conflict is their father, my ex. He can be a real ***. :(
It is bringing a kind of peace I have been searching for because very slowly I am being freed from having to pretend about who I am even if its only to myself right now.
I have to be cautious about it because of my ex/ he is not as understanding as your ex sounds. Plus any move I make the kids would tell him. Any ideas how I get around all that?
Hi blue.
I am doing well..Getting through. We have to right?
Funny you said that about noticing and looking. I have been doing the same thing. At the same time hoping its not too obvious as I find myself staring. haha. I just hope I don't have to wait as long as you have to go forward with this part of my life. As I have said before, my main concern is the kids. Do you think it was better to wait for your kids sake or not, because you said your son asked you which means he must have been wondering for a while. Were you honest with him?(sorry, trying not to pry, just asking for my benefit as it would relate to my kids)
by the way, the other post about the pole was VERY intriguing. Too bad it had to come down. I was learning alot. hehehe....Kept me watching! You all are alot of fun to be with.
ok! Goodnight!
I understand your feelings, mich. Why don't you email me (tingtn36@yahoo.com), and we can discuss further?
Hugs
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