soul searching

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
soul searching
25
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 1:33am
Hi everyone...i've been observing the last few weeks and finally feel like I can open up to you all because everyone seems very sincere and since I am not ready to open up to anyone else and cant afford therapy, I know I can count on this board. OK!? I have been questioning alot about myself this last year. A girl came to work for our company and caught my attention. I was even having dreams about her,us, which I never had before about any girl ever. Unfortunately, she only stayed with our company about 3-4 months. I believe everything happens for a reason because since then I feel like I have been slowly woken up (so to speak). She brought back to the surface feelings I had when I was about 14 for another girl but at the time I didnt understand what all that was about but knew they were not "right" so I ignored it.I have had other crushes also but never allowed myself to pursue anything out of confusion, rejection, fear, shame from others.
So now I am doing alot of searching: reading books, movies, lesbian shows, the internet. I was very relieved to find out my story is actually common. This board is very comforting. My question is, how will I ever know for sure if I really am a lesbian? If my searching has brought me here, I think I already know the answer. I guess I just need confirmation. I dont have the luxury of being able to explore that side of it because I am a single parent of 2 children that are my priority right now. Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating because I cant live my life the way I want to. OK, gotta go........
Any advice would be helpful. Hugs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
In reply to: mich_fl
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 6:40pm

Hey, mich. Although I waited for a long time for this, and I am still in the closet, the time is getting shorter and shorter. It hasn't been all that bad, if you must know. I have gotten along just fine. Sometimes when I have been out with my straight friends in a very close knit circle, I kind of chuckle to myself about what will happen when I tell them. Sometimes I think some of them "know" and others will be shocked. I have even joked about it, saying things like, "yeah, you know how it is, the "gym" teacher is coming out now." Once there was a long, long pause until I said something funny.

I did not come out when my kids were little, partly because it wasn't pressing like it is now and partly because I was scared and didn't want to cause trouble for anybody, especially them. When they were very little is when I had my third lesbian experience and really knew. College was just a here and there thing, with nothing serious cause I was dating my dh. But, I gotta tell ya. I have known all my life on some level.

You know, if I felt then, like I feel now, I think I would have come out. My happiness is imporant, also. If you don't take care of you, how can you expect your kids to be happy? There are any number of people on the board here that have younger than adult children, and I think, though I am not sure, that they will tell you that children are very resilient and will adapt.

My son. Yeah, I semi lied to him. I told him no, but then I told him I would have that conversation with him if he was ready. He quickly backed up and said that he didn't want to know.
Something very funny happened on Friday. DH and I were out for dinner. Our server was very attractive and I asked her if she was a ball player. She responded that she played soccer. On the way out, I told her that I was a PE teacher and that she carried herself like an athlete. When we got out of the door my dh asked me if I was hitting on her, and with a very straight face, I said, "yes." He says, "Geez" and let the moment pass. Don'tcha think that would have sent up all the flares, bells and whistles would have gone off, and the fireworks would begin. Of course, I let the moment pass, also.

About the other post, fantasy is awesome, isn't it? Look out when fantasy becomes a reality!!!

I don't know if this helps or just makes matters more confusing, but hang in there. Take time to sort it out.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: mich_fl
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 8:19pm

Mich, one thing I will say about this, is don't ever do or not do something 'just for the sake of the kids' . Most therapists will tell you when it comes to things like divorce staying together for the sake of the kids is the wrong thing to do because most times it only

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
In reply to: mich_fl
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 11:12pm
Thanks Ting for the offer. I probably will take you up on it. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: mich_fl
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 8:53am

Great! I look forward to hearing from you whenever you're ready to talk.


Hugs


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
In reply to: mich_fl
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 12:59pm
Thanks!

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