i'm confused and would appreciate advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
i'm confused and would appreciate advice
10
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 2:06am

Hey everyone. I've been to this board quite a few times recently just reading everything but things in my personal life have gotten more and more confusing and I was just hoping for some advice/support. You've all been so supportive of everyone else I've seen here.

All my real-life friends are straight (or gay men) so, while I respect their advice, they may not be as knowledgeable as some of you... My situation is kinda wacky:

I met this girl about 7 months ago or so. She actually recognized me from my myspace page and emailed me later that night after seeing me in person. We struck up a correspondence and she seemed very nice. She has 2 kids (5 and now 10 months) and I work at the children's museum in my area. We weren't really very flirtatious in our emails or anything... just friendly. Then she brought the kids in one day when I was working. It wasn't very busy so I got to pretty much go around with them and actually talked more to her son than I did to her but it went pretty well. After that she became more direct (calling me gorgeous, etc.) and we hung out a few other times. I would stop by her work after my day was over and we would get to talk more. We flirted back and forth and I am now very interested in her. The problem is that she is living with the father of her 10 month old. She has told me that they're "in a relationship" but that it's not physical and not really romantic at all... it's more about them both taking care of the kids. The guy is very possessive of her and I'm pretty sure somewhat abusive (emotionally, mostly). Up until about a week ago she stayed in relatively good contact with me. I would text her and she would write back or the same with emails or she would comment my myspace profile. But a week ago I called her and she didn't call me back and she hasn't responded to any of my messages since then. I don't want to seem like a stalker or anything and call her a lot. I'm not sure what's going on... if she's no longer interested in me or if she's just too busy... but she never seemed to be too busy before. I am also not sure if maybe her "boyfriend" is interfering or threatening her or something. She and I are just friends right now... still getting to know each other better... and I'm really ok with that but I'm concerned about her and I really don't appreciate being ignored/avoided for long periods of time without an explanation. I don't think that's being fair to me. BTW, she has always told me that she's a lesbian and has never implied or said that she's bi. She also says that she's unhappy with him and has tried to tell him that they are just friends but he won't listen...

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling... and that I'm not even sure what I am asking... I guess I'm wondering if she is still interested or if she's playing "the game" or if I should just let it go... Thanks! Sorry, again :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 7:40am

Hi and WELCOME!


I don't think this girl is playing you but it sounds like she may have herself in a bad situtation.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 8:59am

If it would set your mind at ease to make sure she is ok...I would stop by her work and make sure she is there and doing ok. You can even just steal a peek at her without her seeing you if you dont want her to think you are being too pushy. Maybe then you can leave a message for her on her Myspace page telling her you stopped by to check on her cause you were worried. On her page under her picture you can see when the last time she logged in was so you should be able to tell that she at least was on her page and should have gotten your message. I would then leave it alone for a while and wait for her to contact you. She may be trying to work out her situation.

Good luck,
Daronda

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 3:45pm

Welcome to the board! So glad you came out of lurkdom to join us! I have to agree with Daronda and Caly that you should maybe try to contact her to make sure she is ok. It's sad that she is in an unhealthy relationship, and I'm sure she appreciates your friendship. I'd be careful about pursuing anything further with her until she sorts everything out. It's great that you found someone special, though, and I do hope it works out for you.


Keep us updated!


Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:32am
Hi

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 5:14am

If you suspect he is abusive, then she may not be allowed to have 'new friends'. Abusive people manipulate. She has children involved. That is a big deal. They may love their father, and she may not want to hurt them. Plus, money and kids is always a big problem. The complications of this affair with you may be just too overwhelming for her to handle right now.

cubakat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 11:52am
Welcome! *Smile*
I’m going about this in an opposite direction. I would recommend leaving her alone and continue on with your life. If it would make you feel better, go to her job and check in with her. Don’t peek around the bush but asked for her and tell her you are just worry about her and just came in to see if she’s ok. Reassure her you’re leaving her alone so she won’t feel any pressure from you if that’s what she want. That way you don’t give an impression of being a stalker. If she is in an abusive relationship, she might feel the consequences for being seen with you by her boyfriend. In this situation, it might be safer to give her space and contact the domestic hotline to see what advise they can give you to help her out if she is really in an abusive relationship. Good Luck on your decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 10:59am
Thanks to everyone for all the advice! I went by her work a few nights ago to check on her and she seemed really aloof and I wrote her an email that night that pretty much said if she wants to talk, I'll listen and everything. I'm not going to be pushy or anything and I'm just gonna give her some space for a while. Thanks again! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 11:13am

You are very welcome and it sounds like you handled the situation very well. I hope she will figure out her situation and get back in contact with you soon when she is in a better place. In the meantime, you can focus on YOU.


Take care!


Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 7:16pm

I am glad you are ok with everything and I am sorry that it didn't work out better.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 9:56am

hi and welcome to the village life.

i don't have much to add except to agree with much of what everyone said especially ting.. i think if you know where she lives stop by her house even if you have to risk the guy being there and talk to her and find out what is going on..this to me the only way you'll know what is going on..