SM and D/s relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
SM and D/s relationships
13
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 5:59am
I have been dating a woman for 5 months who is involved in the Ds and SM community. She says she is getting bored with that lifestyle and is veering away from it. I am pretty clueless about that community. She doesn't invite me into that part of her life. She has a very dominant personality and responds to me the best when I am passive with her and let her have her way. So, I let her be as bossy as she wants and we got along o.k. Then one day I got really angry with her and became very assertive with her. We immediately had problems after that. In fact, the only time we've ever had problems was when I became overtly assertive with her. She has since ended the relationship. I am feeling big time grief over the loss of her. But part of me thinks that the whole D/s thing has clouded her idea of healthy relationships. She always told me that D/s people know how to communicate more effectively than any other group. She appreciates their openess about sex and their clarity about setting limits. I think that is a profoundly intriguing idea, but I still don't quite buy it. Vanilla love and vanilla sex is quite nice too . . . ? I don't really know how to take all of this. Maybe there truly is such a thing as different styles of loving, and one has to be hip to that?


Edited 5/3/2007 6:17 am ET by cubakat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 7:15am

Hi Cubkat!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 11:15am

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketWelcome, cubakat! I'm so glad you posted. I hope we can help and support you through your situation. IMO, there are all kinds of ways to love and be with another person. What's important, however, is that the love and how it is expressed is mutual between both people in the relationship. From your post it doesn't sound like that was the case between you and your girlfriend. I also don't think it was very fair of her to hide her SM and D/s lifestyle from you.


IMO, you need to be YOU in a relationship and your partner needs to respect that. Vanilla love and vanilla sex are perfectly fine if that's what you want and what makes you happy. Everybody has different preferences and that's ok...it's all about what you like and what you're comfortable with.


I'm sorry that she wasn't understanding and that she hurt you, but maybe now you can focus on finding a partner who respects you and wants the same things you do.


Good luck and keep posting with us when you can.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 6:05pm

Hi again!


Ok I have a bit more time now to respond.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 5:39pm

*disclaimer - I know very little about SM & D/s relationships*


That being said,


I tend to think that if your full range of expression, not just sexual but emotional and mental.. extends beyond prescribed 'roles' that seem (saying 'seem'

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 5:31am

Welcome to the board.

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 9:43am

hi kat,

i 'm so sorry to hear about the break up but, to me it sounds like it was for the best.especially since she is into those lifestyles.. i myself would consider my sex life as vanilla.. and you know there's nothin wrong with it..it seems to me as you said she is the dominant one that everything would still be going great as long as you were passive..i'm glad you stood up for yourself and didn't let her push you around.look at this way it's her lost..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 1:42pm

*disclaimer - I know very little about SM & D/s relationships*

That being said,

PS.. one person's definition of vanilla will be quite different from anothers'. Most folks have hidden kink ;)


==========
Now you think we believe your disclaimer with that PS? *L*

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 3:15pm

Hello, cubakat.

First of all welcome. Second, I'm sorry for your loss of relationship.

The S/M and D lifestyle is one of complete and open communications at all times. Those that participate in it are more accepting of complete honesty. In order for both partners to enjoy that lifestyle, there has to be complete and open communications and willingness and nonjudgement. It also depends on how long you are with a person that engages in the S/M and D community.

On a personal note: I wouldn't include it in my encounters, unless there is an interest and mutual willingness to participate in this very deep, and close relationship.

There are all kind of flavors of sexual activity, not everyone can participate in S/M and D. There is a completely different mindset, attitude and level of maturity that goes along with this particular culture. While your partner should have communicated with you in the beginning her deep feelings about what and how the nature of the S/M community is, I think she had a justified reason for not inviting you. In other words, she respected you and wanted to see if you were interested and she wasn't being judgmental.

Everyone has their own opinion of a healthy relationship.

She ended the relationship, because in her mind, you crossed a boundary that shouldn't have been crossed. I could go into this topic deeper but it would take me all day.

Vanilla sex is just as good, but everyone has something that turns them on, some are simple and some are complex. Sexual activity of this nature is something that should be discussed at length, with complete honesty and with no judgement.

Thanks,

Sebastian.

Edited 5/5/2007 3:16 pm ET by igentleheart




Edited 5/5/2007 3:28 pm ET by igentleheart

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 12:39am
Hey! Nony!~ *Smiles~ I am Laughing here cause not only you... but I... do not know... and

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 1:34am

Hi Cat,

Vanilla sex is simple lovemaking. And that's it.

Hugs,

Sebastian

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

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