this question may already be here, but..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
this question may already be here, but..
99
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:08pm

Hi Ladies,

I have just started checking out this board and I have been surprised to see that there are so many other women out there that are just like me! I am married and have one child. I was actually looking out for a woman to date when I met my to-be-husband. I had no intention of having any type of serious relationship with him and, looking back, am not sure why I was dating him...I already knew that I preferred being with a woman even though I had never had the opportunity to have a formal relationship in that way. Anyway, I was clumsy and got pregnant We (he?) made the decision to be a couple and raise our child together. Three years later, we got married. There was no deep romance involved...I think we did it more for convenience. Now...I am really feeling out of place and every day I think about how it would be if I could be free of this commitment and find that girlfriend that I have always wanted. My husband knows that I am (was?) bisexual, but he has no clue just how much I have lost my attraction to men. At this point, I really believe that I am absolutely gay. I have no idea what to do. So...it is nice to be able to come here and know that I am not alone.

Thanks!!
blues

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 12:28am
Welcome Blues~ We have another *Blue out here..She's fairly new to the board also.. Glad You found us and you decided to post.. Many here share your type story with their lives going in that way.. I'm sure you'll be welcome by many here.. *Smiles~


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 6:47am

lesblife.jpg


Hey Blues! (though Cat is right, we have another Blue here so we need to find another nickname for you or I will be Totally confused! LOL)


Anyway I am so very glad you found the board. You are definitely not alone.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 1:36pm

Hey Blues! (though Cat is right, we have another Blue here so we need to find another nickname for you or I will be Totally confused! LOL)

==================

digstheblues = bluesie?

What do you think digstheblues?
Your call. *smile*
BTW, welcome to the board. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 6:15pm

Hey, Blues, I'm Blue.
I'll be happy to change, if everybody wants, but I gotta think of another name.

Anyway, I know just what you mean. I am married with two children, who aren't so young anymore. I agree with Caly to start changing your thinking to "when I can leave." I have worked on somewhat of a game plan myself. It's not going to be anything sudden and I am slowly coming out in my work and play. Can't come out at home, yet, or totally at work as circumstances prevent that and I am not ready. What gives me great comfort is being able to be myself here and everyone is so kind, funny, and just so dam(buy the way, women, I know I am spelling this wrong. This is how we do it at work to keep big brother off our backs) supportive. Welcome and keep posting.

Hugs

Blue, JT, Diamond, Lady, Crash, well, whatever :)

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 7:08pm

Thanks to everybody for responding. (by the way...i guess i started that post with the intent of asking a question, and then I never did...oh well). I asked my daughter to give me a nickname and she said "leafy". I asked her, "why leafy?" and she just said that she liked leafies. Well, I AM always changing, so...just call me "leaf". Hey, Blue? Do you mind if I ask what your gameplan looks like at this point? Because I really have no idea how to begin. This is the first time I've admitted to anyone besides myself that I am not where I should be. Hmmmm...it feels pretty good, too, actually!! Thanks again to everyone and it's great to "meet" you all :)

-Leaf

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 7:33pm

Well the name sounds Great to me since you seem to be ready to turn over a new leaf.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:26pm

This is nothing but tentative depending on how things progress. The admitting out loud is a huge step!!! I have been in therapy for a few years dealing with this. My therapist is amazing. She mentioned that I might want to tell somebody that I felt safe with and I chose a gay man and his partner in my union with whom I am friends. My brain was exploding when I told him, but it was no big deal for him. I chose wisely. Next was a woman I work with who came out to me about 6 years ago when I wasn't ready to speak, but she KNEW.
I am already out at work to 2 other people that I trust implicitly and it wasn't earth shattering to them either and told me nothing had changed. I told them that something had sure changed, but they said our relationship hadn't changed. I also made them promise that when people made gay jokes, they were not to change their behaviors. I also came out to my xbf that I was in love with when her husband was present. Coming out to her didn't go so well, hence the "letting go" thread. She outed me to a mutual friend and possibly my bosses, with whom I am close. Neither one has said a word to me, but I am pretty positive one knows and is just gracious enough not to say anything. He separated from a very close friend and was able to share similar feelings, although certainly not the same. lol When I was going crazy with her, I started looking on the internet for lesbian issues and found this board. They have made me soooo calm and are great fun to be with.

The plan is as follows. I have been dropping major hints to my dh and I don't understand how he does not know or he is denial. In two and a half years, I can take early retirement and that is when I have decided to be completely out, when I retire. I might just keep on working, however, and will have to adjust the plan according to how I feel.

In less than two weeks, I plan on visiting our GBLT caucus at a union event, so I can be in "live" touch with more people who are just like me. I need a real life support network and meet other lesbians, so I can find a friend or possibly a partner. This will be my second major step.

So, once I got over the huge pain of telling my xbf, coming out, being completely rejected, I have started to take baby steps to make myself happy. I have met a couple of real nice lesbians who are constantly helping me and keeping me happy.

I know we are not at the same life place, but perhaps you can find little steps to take in your situation. It might be as simple as looking on the internet for local GBLT groups or bars and checking it out. You don't have to do or say anything, just see if it is comfortable. Listen to me.:) This is so funny giving advice when I am somewhat of a mess, but it appears to be making some sense to me.

Good luck and give it some thought.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:28pm
Caly, new leaf? ***groaning out loud*** Only you could come up with that. lol
I like it!
BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 11:16pm
Haaa... Well

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 6:35am

LOL!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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