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| Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:08pm |
Hi Ladies,
I have just started checking out this board and I have been surprised to see that there are so many other women out there that are just like me! I am married and have one child. I was actually looking out for a woman to date when I met my to-be-husband. I had no intention of having any type of serious relationship with him and, looking back, am not sure why I was dating him...I already knew that I preferred being with a woman even though I had never had the opportunity to have a formal relationship in that way. Anyway, I was clumsy and got pregnant We (he?) made the decision to be a couple and raise our child together. Three years later, we got married. There was no deep romance involved...I think we did it more for convenience. Now...I am really feeling out of place and every day I think about how it would be if I could be free of this commitment and find that girlfriend that I have always wanted. My husband knows that I am (was?) bisexual, but he has no clue just how much I have lost my attraction to men. At this point, I really believe that I am absolutely gay. I have no idea what to do. So...it is nice to be able to come here and know that I am not alone.
Thanks!!
blues

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By the way welcome to the board leaf. Please don't leaf, stay and join us.
okay it is early and I am loopy without my coffee so, I better get some now so I quit making stupid puns.
I am leafing now...
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Blue, JT, Diamond, Lady, Crash, well, whatever :)
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Crash??? *grin*
walls?
tree?
floor?
vase?
Keep going the step by step method.
You're doing a good job so far. *smile*
Hi Leaf! Welcome to the board. So great to have you here! As you've already found out, we're a pretty crazy bunch!
I second the advice of taking it slow, like Blue is doing. I watched lesbian movies at home and started talking about them a lot with my XH. He figured out that I was into women and wanted to explore my feelings. We eventually divorced, and I began living my new life with my partner and co-CL here, Caly.
The best thing you can do is be true to yourself. Yes, you have a child for whom you're both responsible, and that will be a big factor in how you handle everything. If you do decide to ever leave your husband, you CAN work out a solution that will be ok for your child. It will be hard, but you'll get through it.
Good luck!
Hey, rogue,
I hold a top green(since we are discussing leafs and the color green) belt in judo under the British Judo Association. My judo buddies call me Crash, 'cause I crash real hard into the tatami when I fall, and it's all about the throwing and falling. It's a play on my last name. lol-
My Civil War Reenacting buddies call me JT
Leaf is good!
Blue
Yo, Cat,
I did not KNOW that was Caly's favorite color! Learn something new every day. Ooooh, I do like Digginit, though. I have not gotten to the end of the posts, so things might change. I'll let you know.
Blue for now
Hi Blue,
Thanks so much for writing back!! It sounds like you're on a good track. I don't want to go too fast either, but I don't know how long I will be able to go at this point without just blurting it out. Actually, several months ago we kind of had...not an argument, but a sit down...because I had not been interested in having sex with him and he got really grumpy about it. His thinking was that we got along better and were "closer" when we were having sex on a regular basis. I couldn't tell him that sometimes I was actually repulsed by the idea of having sex with a man...even him. I wasn't really like that when we first got together. I did tell him that I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, and that I didn't like feeling this way. He already knew that I liked women, and I told him that it seems that the older I get, the more gay I get. He stated that there was nothing he could do about that. I was too confused and upset at the time to take advantage of the open subject. I decided that maybe my birth control was causing this effect and we talked about changing my birth control. So, I went off hormonal birth control and got an IUD. For the first couple of weeks, things really did seem better. But, the longer it goes now, the worse I get about not wanting to have sex. When I do think about it, all I think about is how nice it would be to have sex with a woman. (I have before, so I already know how I feel about it, of course.) Not only that, but I fantasize about what it would be like to have a nice girlfriend to share life with. I don't want to drag this out too long, because I feel like that's not fair to him or me, but I don't want to hurt and shock him, hurt his ego (which is so easy to do with men, it seems), or have him retaliate by making things hard for me in regards to our daughter. Another problem...he likes the idea of me being with another woman, but in the context that he is involved. Sometimes we go to watch dancers together and though we both like to tip, I don't like him to be in my space when I'm tipping and I don't like being in his space when he's tipping. I am just not interested. I would rather he just go be with a different woman and I go be with a different woman. That brings me to another thing I've been thinking about lately...sometimes I actually think about how much easier it would be for me if he would just fall for another woman so I could have an easy out and not be the "bad guy". Isn't that terrible???!!!
I have rambled too much--if any of you actually read down this far, thank you so so much for letting me vent. I've been feeling like such a creep!
-Leaf
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