Letting Go

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Letting Go
79
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 6:24pm

I am a wreck about my friend, Michele. Sometimes I want to cry and sometimes I am really angry at her. This is the one who said, don't write, email, call, text. She seems so nice professionally, but GOD!!! I just want to go to her room and say "can we talk?"I can't seem to let her go. I know times heals, but not fast enough. Any suggestions out there?

Blue

BLUE DIA

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 8:30pm

Ting,
Other people have suggested the letter, too, and I think I am going to try that. I will do it over several days, though, as I don't want to just write furiously and then give it to her. I want to say that I wasn't betraying her all this time. I want to tell her, God, so much!

What if she tears it up, throws it away, and gives me the figurative finger. I am always afraid to lay it all out there for somebody to crush. I already messed up enough. That will really screw with my head, maybe even more than it is already. (no, my head is still screwed on frontwards, lol).

I am reading this and trying to make sense of what I write, but I don't think that is possible. I am saying too much and not enough.

Thanks for listening to my pain, anguish, and making no logical progress.

That goes to everybody out there. ARRRRGGGHHHH!! Okay, enough is enough.

Back to Happy Blue as soon as possible.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 8:32pm

Blue,

I am sorry that you are going through this. If I was your friend, I would be flattered, tell you that I'm not interested in you that way (if I wasn't) and then let you know that we could still be friends but that was all we would ever be and ask you if you could handle that. I don't understand why she thinks she can't be friends with you again. I'm thinking that maybe after she's had some time for the shock to wear off and some time to start missing you, she might come around a little. I definitely wouldn't pressure her at all.

I know what you mean about it hurting to know that your husband is planning your retirement together while you are thinking of doing something different with your life. My husband is ALWAYS thinking of our future and always doing nice things for me and he works ALL the time to give us a comfortable life. I am afraid of coming across as a total ingrate if I tell him that this is not working out for me because I am gay. *sigh*

I hope that writing the letter helps you to feel a little better.

Hugs,
Leaf

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 8:48pm

Gosh, Leaf, YOU ARE LIVING MY LIFE!!! LOLOL

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 9:26pm
blue,
You ramble on all you want!! You have every right to feel this way. You're mourning what you thought was a close relationship. That will take time to get over. That's why we are all here; to be able to vent our feelings and get it all out. I know you would be there for me if I needed to ramble on about me (am I rambling now? haha). Hang in there, remember tomorrow is a different day. If you can't talk to her and explain yourself then I too think the letter is a good idea. I think getting it out there to her will give you some closure. Also, I liked it when Ting suggested doing something for yourself. Call it a sanity day or something Take the day off from work and do something special for yourself. It usually makes me feel better. At least you would have one day of not wondering if you will make contact with her.
Best wishes and many HUGS!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 10:15pm

Thanks, mich. Yep, I would listen to you all you want. Whenever you need it, I'll be there. Thanks to everybody for carrying me this week!!!

TAKE A DAY OFF!!! Duh. Why didn't I think of that. I can go outlet shopping, have a bite to eat, write a letter..........
Yep, next week before we(my school) takes our kids camping for a week, I am gonna do it. I think Wed. because I don't have a game in the afternoon, oooh, maybe Thurs. because dh is leaving for Florida. I wonder if there are any lesbian clubs in Lancaster......who cares!!
That is just awesome.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 10:30pm
I see your point about DH. Wow, that is alot to think about.
But at the same time is it fair to him how it is now?
Or do you just suffer the rest of your life wondering, what if?
If you never get to be yourself.
How have you been dropping hints to DH?
Do you think he just does not want to know right now?
Sorry for all of the questions...
Watch what you put in writing, it could always come back to haunt you
especially if you leave her a letter at work. She might make a sexual
harrassment charge or something. Just be careful if you write her.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 10:56pm
Blue,
You really are funny. You make me laugh! Hope my advice helps.:) Ya know, I live in Florida. If you tell me what he looks like I could find and tell him for you. It would save you the trouble! That would certainly speed things up. Hmm? Sorry, I know its kinda twisted. Just in that kinda mood.:P
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:08pm

laurie,
I'm working backwards here. The sexual harrassment thing I never even gave a thought to. I think you might be right. If she could do this to me, she sure could make my life miserable if she had concrete evidence with what might appear to be a harrassing letter. So I am still stuck right here with nowhere to go.

There have been hints about what women I find attractive on TV, the other day he asked me if I was hitting on a server in a restaurant and I straightfaced said yes. I am always defending GBLT issues with a passion. He has always thought my friendship with Michele was "too close." I have watched a couple of movies and he has seen the dvd's around.

I really don't think he wants to upset the status quo. He fully intends to retire with me. It is not fair to him right now, but I first need to take some baby steps of my own and get into the community. This has been a great start for me and I have come out a little at work and to a couple of friends. But I have only just started coming out since last July. I sure don't want him to be the last to know, but he's definitely not in the top 10. I need a comfort level first and I am getting it slowly. Is this the right way to go? I have no idea and I feel like I am blind and just groping in the dark. I cannot get to my therapist until the end of the month, but I am pretty patient. Geez, I've waited years to begin on the path, I think a couple of weeks won't kill me or dh.

Thanks for making me take time to really think about this in a semi-clinical way. The emotions were just overwhelming for a few days.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:13pm

You'd be just another "Twisted Sister" like me! Hah! LOL
Well, we have this place about 45 minutes south of Orlando. I might be coming down for a visit to it in July. If you could tell him before I get there, that would be great. Actually, while he is gone down there, I intend to be getting "around" a little up here.

How do you live there in the summer? I like and tolerate the heat well, but God, that is just brutal.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
In reply to: bluediamondldy
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:28pm
Thanks for the encouragement. Thats why we all seem to get along here. Sister power!!
Wheres he going to be? I can arrange something, or at least have my "people" take care of it for you. Hehehehe....Just kidding ;p You will be in my thoughts next Wed and/or Thurs.
Havee fun!
Florida in the summer is brutal. Thankfully I work indoors all day :). I miss most of the heat but if I have to be out in it then usually early morning or evening.

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