Seeing her again is messing with my head

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Seeing her again is messing with my head
6
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 1:09pm

Where do I start.....

The Past:

When I was 16 I fell in love with a girl from school. I loved her and she loved me. We had a great relationship. She just got me, emotionally, physically, etc. We were unbelievably happy. Even though we were still "kids" I knew in my heart she was my soul mate. I can’t explain in words how our relationship was. It was just one of those kinds of relationships that was totally and completely honest, no matter if you thought it would hurt the other person or not. You know those "cheesy" love movies, it was alot like that. We were together for about 6 months. My parents found out, freaked out. They first tried to keep us away from each other, sent me to another school, literally grounded me to my room, sent me to a therapist and it didn’t work I could not help my feelings or stop seeing her. One night my dad beat the crap out of me. I told them I had enough. They then sent me from IN (my home state) to NC to stay with a close friend and her mom. I have by then shed so many tears, was so hurt and angry with them, I decided to stay in NC. My girlfriend and I lasted about 3 months apart and finally I broke it off. I just couldn’t handle the pressures of being 800 miles away and knowing she was miserable without me. Our communication broke down and we just quit talking.

After months of sulking, I then met this guy; he was alot like my old girlfriend, acted like her, had the same color eyes. I got pregnant after being with him for 3 months. We have had a rollercoaster relationship to say the least. After I had my son we moved back to IN. (Fast Forward 7 years) The plant were I worked at shut down so we relocated back to NC, so my hubby could be closer to his family. We have been together for almost 10 years and married for 3 years. My son is now 8 years old. We have had alot of ups and downs in our relationship. I love him and he loves me. It has never been as strong as my love for my old girlfriend. It is a different sort of love.

The Past Few Months:

I was browsing one night bored and decided to look up my old gf on myspace. She was on there and to my surprise there was something that was written about an old high school sweetheart. I was floored. I emailed her and asked her if she was talking about me. Ever since then we have talked almost everyday. (Yes my husband knows we talk and he knows about my previous relationship with her) Over the years I would try not to think about her. I have moved on with my life. I would dream about her sometimes though. I would wake up and think, "Where did that come from".

She flew down to see me Monday. We spent the whole day together. (No my husband does not know about this). It was wonderful and we just slipped back into how it used to be. We did do a lot of talking. She knows I am married. Seeing her again has messed up my head. I will always love her. I feel like she is honestly and truly my other half. I feel like what we have together other people just dream about.

On the other hand, I made a commitment to my husband and I do love him. I also have an obligation to my child. I do not want to tear him away from his father. I owe them both a happy and fulfilling life..

I know that this was long and if you got through it I congratulate you. I have no one to talk to about this and how I feel. You can tell me I am messed up, I already know that. I know that I need to tell my husband I saw her. I know I have feelings that I need to sort out.

Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 2:02pm
Hi brown eyes.
Welcome to the board. *smile*
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 7:17pm

Hi!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 10:18pm

Hey, momma, welcome to this amazing board. I am fairly new here(I don't know when I should stop saying that!)
Sorry you have been having such a rough time. I don't believe, however, that you are as "messed up" as you think you are. I think you need time to sort out your feelings and weigh what is right for you and your child. Happy moms raise happier kids, that's for sure, although it isn't easy, EVER.

I think that therapy is a great place to begin the sorting. Therapists have no investments in you as friends or lovers, so they are a good sounding board and can help you see all the possibilities and help you to face yourself. Try to find one that is gay friendly. She is the first person I came out to after a number of years of going for something else (like road rage, fear of flying, my son, always having to do the right thing, etc). I know that mine is awesome, it's just nice to talk to another woman who "gets" it, although I perceive my therapist to be straight.

We are all here for moral support. Take your time, go slow. You don't have to tell anybody or DO anything today or tomorrow. Relax. Everything will be the same.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 11:03pm
Hi Brown Eyes...Or Momma... Which would you prefer? *Smiles.. Welcome..

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 1:13am
Hi and welcome brown eyes.
You are not messed up, just having real feelings for real people.
Alot of us have gone through somethings that are the same or similar to what you are going through.
I believe honesty and open communication would be best with hubby. I am thinking you might have some guilty feelings about your meeting with this ex girlfriend. honesty is good to a point. Do you get honest to make yourself feel better and hurt hubby? Or do you let this one meeting go secret and start being open the rest of the time?
Sometimes things are better left unsaid if they are only going to hurt someone or possibly cause a rift in the relationship.
Be sure when you tell hubby that the timing is perfect if you tell him, but if you tell him, the sooner the better.
Because then he will also know that you kept a secret from him and the longer you do the more it will hurt and anger a person. It will or could feel like a major betrayal.
The other's have given you good advice so far too.
You do not have to take any of our advice, and you are welcome to sound off anytime you want to.
Keep us posted as to what is going on.
This is a delema and I wish you the very best what ever you decide to do. We are here to support you.
Take care and hugs,
PS; I live in Indianapolis. What part of indy are you from?
Laurie


Edited 5/17/2007 1:18 am ET by lauriedav
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 8:22am

I want to say thank you to all of you for your open arms and *hugs*. I feel so tangled up inside and really have no one to talk to about it. I do appreciate the welcome. I know I have alot to deal with I am currently looking for a therapist. I have alot of issues to sort out. I am not making any hasty decisions. As far as the name thing goes Brown eyes or Momma will work. I am not picky. I used to live in NW Indiana, sort of by South Bend. If and when I make my decision if I want to be with my ex gf I will relocate there again.

Again thanks for the warm welcome... I have never been accepted so openly and honestly before on any type of board. Thank You and I will be posting again!