Thurs, Thoughts......Lesbian in Training

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Registered: 04-23-2006
Thurs, Thoughts......Lesbian in Training
85
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 7:16am

Ok All,

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 10:12am

I guess I first wondered about being a lesbian (although I didn't really think about it as me being a lesbian, I knew I had strong feelings for women) when I was fairly young - like in middle school. I had had several very strong crushes on a couple of dancers I knew (I took ballet for a long time). They lasted for a long time. I didn't really pursue my feelings or think about them much for many years after that. When I saw lesbians together or watched movies with them, however, I longed for the kind of love the couples shared. It felt right for me, and I wanted to experience it. But I was too shy and too scared to take it further.


After being married for 12 years I watched a movie about an intense lesbian relationship. I ended up having a crush on the lead actress and knew then and there that I was indeed a lesbian. I was 34 yo at the time. I started posting here soon after that, and about 5 months after seeing that movie, I met Caly here. The rest is history!


I'm so glad I gained the strength to find and claim my happiness. I was in a very deep, dark place before I met Caly. As long as I'm with her I will never experience that darkness again.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 12:46pm

I knew I was "differant" around 10 or 11. All my friends had crushes on boys at school and I had crushes on my friends. But, I didn't know what the word for it was.I remember feeling so ashamed and guilty because I couldn't help but stare after gym class when we were all in the showers. That was horrible! Fast forward about 5 years. In the early 90's when I was in high school KD Lang became more mainstream. The first time I saw her singing Constant Craving on tv I knew I was a lesbian. Does anyone remember that Vanity Fair issue with her and Cindy Crawford on the cover? That LIVED under my mattress for a long time.........:lol: Also, there was a girl in my high school that I'm sure is a lesbian(really butch, even back then) and I had a crush on her since the first day I saw her. It was so intense, like nothing else I had ever experianced. At prom she came single (in a dress! poor thing looked so miserable) and I came wiht a male friend. I just remember dancing next to her at the end of the night, then dancing with her and my knees felt weak and shakey. And when I left and she told me I was beautiful, it was almost too much for my 17 year old heart to bear. But, nothing ever came of that and I haven't seen her since graduation 13 years ago!

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 12:59pm

Wow, Caly, True Confessions...

I have known since I was in elementary school, that I was just a little different than the average girl. I was always the dad when we played house. I didn't ask to be dad, that was my appointed role. I don't even look like a dad. Boys interested me on another level, just not as objects of my affections. In high school, I had a crush on my PE teacher, but I didn't realize it then. Then in college I got it, but I was so wrapped up in my bf and doing what was right, that I let it pass.

When my kids were real little, I had a student teacher that was a lesbian. We were on the camping trip that I am going to on Sunday and we were talking about kissing. She said that one of my other coworkers kissed pretty good for a man. I said that I really wouldn't know the difference(even though there had been a couple of hurried attempts in college) and she should show me. Well....she did and more. Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, but no blanket and wet sand. We didn't do a whole lot, it was cold.

I tried to tell a coworker that I had a crush on that I was a lesbian about that time, but I couldn't get the words out. After that I met a woman who is a very good friend of mine and I fell for her big time. Yeah, straight, married, and a staunch Republican(sorry if I offend here). If I told her, the relationship would end in a heartbeat and I really like this woman in a friendly way, now, although..... Then came M. This has been buried treasure for so long, I'm just looking for a pirate to open the treasure chest. lol

and THAT is my so called Lesbian Life.

Hugs

Blue
I am close to graduation soon and I will no longer be an LiT. :)
Laurie, you need to find a really good toaster!

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 1:09pm
7:15 am when I signed into LI board.
7:16 01 sec. when i finished reading it. ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 2:13pm

No moss growing under you, girl.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 3:02pm

For those that don't know me, and for those that are getting to know me, please read.

I knew there was something different about me at age 5, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I had a lifetime of crushes on all of my female teachers, and I thought that boys were just for friends.

As I grew up, and going through adolescence, I knew there were several things about me that I couldn't put a label on, or what to call what I was, or becoming. It wasn't until I reached elementary school that I heard the words "dyke" "lezzie" etc. But these words were coming from kids my age at the time. When I reached high school, I really began to notice my strong attraction to my fellow female classmates. When puberty took hold, there was no doubt in my mind as to what I was.

Hugs,

Sebastian.




Edited 5/17/2007 4:25 pm ET by igentleheart

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 4:09pm

I'm cutting and pasting this from another thread since I don't want to type it all over again...

From the time I was little, I formed much deeper attachment to other girls rather than boys. Nothing unusual really, but I always connected with them in a way that I couldn't with boys. I always had guy friends and assumed the lack of connection was due to maturity differences and that eventually I'd meet a guy who I could have that connection with. As I got older (middle school/high school) I had tons of crushes on boys, but I always conveniently had crushes on boys who were unavailable. And my fantasies about these boys always focused more on being seen with them and about how others would be jealous of us, etc. I never felt any sort of true connection to them, I just thought they were cute and was wrapped up in the drama of high school. I was never interested in any of the boys who asked me out. I went on dates, went to prom, etc. But I never enjoyed it. Sometimes I enjoyed the guys as friends, but more often was uncomfortable because I didn't have a romantic feelings for them and was nervous that i would be pressured into having a romantic/physical relationship with them.

At the same time, I was having intense friendships with girls that more closely resembled romantic relationship than any of the dating relationships I had. I sometimes daydreamed about kissing them and having a romantic relationship with them. And at night, I was having sexual dreams about these female friends. I was HORRIFIED and sure that something was mentally wrong with me. Homosexuality was not an option in my family. I come from a very religious, conservative family. Had I admitted any of this, I would have been sent to an ex-gay camp or reprogramming center. I was terrified that they would discover this, so I continued dating boys and pretending to be a paragon of homosexuality. And I truly hoped that eventually it would work for me. I didn't consider myself a lesbian. I just thought I needed to meet the right guy and pray for healing.

When I went away to college (a small, private christian college) this behavior continued. I had a female best friend who was clearly more than platonic. We were never overtly sexual, but we were inseparable...to the point of sleeping together in one bed every night. I was having sexual fantasies and dreams about her, but I never told her and thought it would go away if I found a boyfriend. I still thought this was a sin or a mental illness, so I tried my best to stifle my feelings and pretend they didn't exist. So I tried dating again. No such luck -- I may have been able to convince the rest of the world that I was straight, but I could never convince myself. (For the record, I have no idea if she ever came out because we lost touch, but I'd wager good money that she's a lesbian too.)

After my sophomore year (age 19), I left that college, took a year off and then transfered to another (large, public, liberal) university. I stopped dating altogether and focused on reevaluating my life and my beliefs. I stopped going to church and changed my voter registration from republican to democrat. My family basically disowned me. (They actually told me I was "possessed by a demon" and "doing the work of satan".) And then I met the a guy, and not just any guy. If I had been asked to create the PERFECT guy for me, it would have been him. He was older than me by five years and a grad student at my university. He was brilliant, gorgeous, funny, sweet, athletic, respectful, interesting ... on and on. He adored me. He pursued me and treated me like a queen. I wanted SO BADLY to want him. But I didn't. After a couple of dates, I broke it off and stopped dating again. By this time (age 21) I basically knew I was a lesbian. I wasn't quite ready to admit it to everyone, even though I no longer thought homosexuality was immoral. I had gay friends and was supportive of gay rights, but I didn't really want to admit fully that I was gay. And honestly, it didn't seem pressing that I do so. I was going to school full-time and working two jobs. I had no time for a social life and no romantic prospects.

For the next six months or so, I came to terms with my own sexuality. I read a lot -- both books and websites. I fully accepted that I could have everything I ever dreamed of before (a partner, a home, children, etc) with another woman. I didn't NEED to be with a man to have those things. I started reaching out to other lesbians, and for once in my life I felt like people understood me and I belongs. I no longer felt like I was outside looking in. These people actually got me.

So I started coming out to my friends. Over the course of a month or so, I came out to everyone I talked to on a regular basis. I also wrote my family a letter and told them. They were...not pleased. But that was to be expected. We still have very little contact, but that's fine with me. (Remember, our relationship was basically over even before I came out.) Within a few months I had a large circle of accepting, supportive friends (both gay and straight) and I had started dating.

And the rest is history. Now I'm out to everyone -- friends, family, employers, strangers on the street. I live with my partner and we're talking about having a baby in a couple of years. Ten years ago, I never would have imagined I'd be where I am now, but I also would never have imagined I'd be so happy. :)




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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 7:14pm

I Love You Baby!


*KISS

*Hugs


Caly.jpgpentagram

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 7:19pm

Hi Shannon thanks for sharing.


My first intense crush was for and older girl.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 7:27pm

Hehe Blue, you have the greatest way of sharing your stories!


I was the biggest tomboy when I was growing up, so I never played house, I wanted to play Army with the boys on the block *grin

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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