Thurs, Thoughts......Lesbian in Training

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thurs, Thoughts......Lesbian in Training
85
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 7:16am

Ok All,

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 11:32pm

Dyke? What's that? lol In 10th grade I went home and asked my mom what f%#k meant. I am telling you I was a first class dork, geek, and sheltered kid. Some boy told me that was what he wanted to do to me. What did I know. I never swore, drank, smoked, or did drugs. I still don't smoke or do drugs-illegal-but I swear like a sailor(sorry Laurie) and drink like a fish when the opportunity arises, but I am a true light weight and then I am fairly easy.

Sex??? In the house. My mom got me the book. Didn't y'all get the book? Then what? I'm supposed to run and ask questions? Yeah, right. Not in my house. Good childhood, all in all, though. Questions like, Why am I always the dad? How come I am such a tomboy? Does it worry you? How come I like girls better than boys to look at? How come boys are such good buds, but I don't really want to date them?

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 11:35pm

Yep. Always accepting who I was, refusing to live like who I am. Getting there, though.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 12:40am

*taking a deep breath......* First off, I'm still in school with only 2 weeks left, so I've been mostly lurking here. This is such a wonderful community, I check in every day! Now on to the question...

For me, it seems easy to look back and attribute my tomboyish nature, my absolute hate of skirts and dresses and my sometimes suggestive play activities with friends to budding lesbianism. I sure didn't see it then. It's only been in the last year that I've had the guts to say the words to myself. And only in the last few months am I ok with being attracted to and wanting a relationship with a woman. I had been questioning since Gr. 11, but I threw myself into school and sports. I just had to get the best grades, take the hardest courses, be league MVP, top goalie, scholarship pianist, anything that got me away from thinking about relationships. I was encouraged to do so. My parents thought that dating was for when you were done your school, and of my siblings, I was always the most interested in education.

Sure along the way I had crushes and delicious fantasies, but I never let myself get caught up in it. I thought I'd be lost in all those overwhelming, confusing feelings. By grade 11 I just knew that I could never be in a long term relationship with man. I just wasn't interested. So I figured the only option for a young, energetic Catholic was to enter the convent. Yes, the convent. I did a vocations week with the Daughters of St. Paul and realized that there was no way in hell I'd survive as a nun.....so I threw myself back into school. I just figured I'd be a career woman: single, driven and one hell of an auntie.

Slowly, and after dating a few guys that really didn't work out I realized that I was lonely and needing more. I needed to be honest with myself. I did a lot of reading, a lot of writing and a lot of thinking and after a year I decieded that the label that best fit me was lesbian. Truly, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I still wasn't ready to tell anyone else.

Another year passed and something in me gave way. It wasn't sudden; it was like a wall of sand that the edge of the lake slowly works away at. Eventually it falls. My wall came down. I was tired of hiding, of lying, of pretending, of trying to fit in. That's when I joined this board. I still don't feel the need to shout it out, but as I go, I'm letting people know that I am indeed a lesbian. I hope that in time this honesty with myself and with others will bring me into deeper relationship with someone special.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 12:44am

This is a fun question and I have enjoyed reading everyone's answers. I kept coming to the computer when I could sneak in here and read a bit at a time. Okay...I suppose that this may have been a clue if I had known anything at the time, but I used to make (?) my little girlfriends play "mommy and daddy" and would always try to lead things to the naughty parts. I guess I didn't think that much about it. I loved my girlfriends...whether it was playing innocently outside or being naughty at sleep-overs. I'm pretty sure that I made one or two of them feel a little weird, but I do remember that one of them seemed fairly interested in the game. Thinking back on that makes me feel a bit guilty...I don't remember how pushy I might have been about it, but somehow I feel that I was probably pretty adamant that "mom and dad" kiss and roll around in the bed *blushing* Oh...and I took turns playing mommy and daddy. It didn't matter to me. My first big celebrity crush was Claire Danes when she was on the show "My So-Called Life". To this day...if I find something with her in it, I MUST watch it. My current celebrity crushes are Scarlett Johansson (eyes and mouth!!), Drew Barrymore (cuteness), Madonna (I absolutely LOVE looking at her body) and, of course, Jackie Warner *sigh*...oh...Sorry. Anyway...My current "real-life" crushes are my gynecologist (imagine that!!) a super cute red-head with creamy milk-white skin and a beautiful smile who is the same age as me and just so happens to have lived in the same neighborhood as my very first boyfriend a couple of hundred miles away from here. And...the girl that works the early morning shift at my gym--a cute petite girl with soulful eyes and a gorgeous tan. I think that she might be a lesbian, but I don't know for sure...however, yesterday morning when I went in, she had a new haircut just like Jackie Warner's and when I told her who it looked like she said that she told them to cut it that way because she loves Jackie and watches her show religiously. So...I think I might be right, but...she's too young for me to be making passes at!! LOL The men that I have been attracted to were usually ones with long hair or more androgynous features. The first time I knew I would rather be with women than with men: one of my best friends and I were hanging out one night at my house. She and her husband were separated and my boyfriend was out of town. We had a couple of drinks and somehow got on the subject of fooling around with other girls. She had "played" with another girl during childhood once, too. I asked her ton of questions about it and as I was able to see that she was comfortable with it, I began to slide my hand up her leg, and to her hip...up her waist...to her breasts and ....ooooops!!! Got carried away. Anyway, then came the kiss and then the other Kiss and it's just a blur of yummy ecstacy (yes...it's been awhile...bear with me!!) We were up all night and I had to open the store I worked at that morning. I was exhausted, but floated through the whole day thinking about how I had found what I was really looking for and that life's mystery had been solved or something profound like that, ya know? She worked at the same store on the next shift and I couldn't wait for her to get there so we could talk about it. To my embarrassment and disappointment, she did not feel the same way, because, she was (is) a straight girl and I guess she only did it because of the drink. However, we remained good friends and still are to this day and even got together a few more times after that and pulled another of our good friends into the mix once, too. I remember us telling her that we had been together and she didn't believe us so we just started kissing in front of her and she seemed very interested. That second friend and I are still friends, too, and she and I both initiated sex a few times afterwards, but she is more straight (happily married now) and really wasn't so much my type. It was all good fun, but I really just wanted a steady girl and was looking for one when I started dating my now-husband. It was his beautiful eyes and my incessant loneliness that did it. At the time, I had enlisted in the Guard and was just waiting to go to basic training and AIT. I was to leave in 2 months when I discovered that I had gotten pregnant. Six months later, I was discharged and three years later, we got married and 2 years after that...I'm struggling with the fact that although I have the most wonderful man I could dream of...I am not straight enough to appreciate him...I just keep thinking about having that woman. Thanks for asking the question...it feels good to tell those things to someone. Sorry for being so brief!! *wincing*

-Leaf

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 1:35am
there were 3 females all kinda butch/soft butch that worked where I did Okay inserting green here

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 3:04am
LOL Try being me, I used to sit here and try to think so hard back to that time, like rewinding every experience I had at the circus trying to remember if we ever saw each other. We had to of! Don't you think? Seriously odd! lol Especially since Stash was your favorite clown.

hugs


halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 7:18am
I would assume we had to have seen each other, but you would think we would have at least spoken to each other.
I talked to everyone. I have racked my brain too.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 7:23am
Yes, you are getting there Blue, you charter member you...
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 10:18am

I think only you know when the time will be right to tell each person.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 10:19am
we will probably discuss this in an upcoming thread *grin

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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