Thurs, Thoughts......Lesbian in Training

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thurs, Thoughts......Lesbian in Training
85
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 7:16am

Ok All,

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 1:20am

Good questions!

I felt a bit different from about age 14 but went with the "norm" to be like everyone else and what everyone expected: get married, have kids, live happily ever after. How wrong! Being a single parent even when I was married, I lost touch with who I was. I only existed. Part of the problem was I didn't want to face it and deal with alot of things. So, I lived in denial.

As I have explained previously, that all changed about a year ago when someone came to work with us for a short time. (I feel everything happens for a reason.) Nothing happened except that it triggered something inside me. Thats when I realized I needed to take some time for myself. It's always been about everyone else especially the kids.

Anyway, I'm still soul searching. One of the things I struggle with is that I feel selfish for putting myself first. I guess it has to do with self-esteem too. I'm working on it though. Who knows, maybe therapy would help me too! as they say: One day at a time! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 8:42am

Hi Mich!


Thanks for your input.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 12:37pm

"And as far as putting yourself first, You can only give the best, when you are at your best and that comes from taking care of you."

Thanks Caly! I need someone to kick my butt into gear now and then. I procrastinate way more than I should. You're a good motivator!

Avatar for why1040
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 5:50pm

Oh goodness, I'm so glad I read the responses first, I don't feel quite so naive and daft!

I never thought about being a lesbian, throughout my childhood and even teens! I had the biggest crush on my 5th grade teacher, but only thought I "liked her" a lot. NOW of course, it all makes sense (especially since I know she's lesbian too!).

My best friend in the US and I played a lot of games (though house wasn't one) and it sometimes involved some very heavy exploring, considering we were by definition <12. I moved to Sweden just before my 12th birthday, and life got very complicated at that point, with bullying (both psychological and physical) and a sexual assault. It's therefore harldly surprising that I stopped really paying any attention to sex/relationships etc, I had way too much else to try to sort out!

When I was 18 and had just finished High School here in the UK, a boy asked me out. Luckily, he was very sweet and gentle (I do wonder whether he might have turned out to be gay too sometimes) and so I wasn't freaked by the whole sex thing, though I never enjoyed it and started wondering what was wrong with me. However, I just chalked it up to the fact that we were both virgins when we started...lol We lasted six months, and then he dumped me just before Christmas. I was devastated, but only because I really wasn't that upset by the actual breakup! I was so confused-surely I should have been crying my eyes out at being dumped by "the love of my life"?

At this point, I was at nursing college, and actually MET lesbians and gay men. I mean, I'd known they existed before, but it was a very unreal sort of knowledge. And suddenly, things started making sense! Around June or July, I finally figured out that the lesbian girl I REALLY enjoyed hanging out with was actually my first proper crush (omg, i had it BAAAAD)! Unfortunately, she turned out to be a real player, and took me for a ride something chronic, and I (naive and suffering severe puppy love as I was) let her. I was still very screwed up however, and though I went through several relationships over the next few years, I had a serious knight in shining armour thing going on, and always ended up with people with even bigger problems than my own. When my latest ex and I broke up, I vowed to sort my own head out first, and I've been in therapy with an absolutely fabulous lady who has really helped me understand where my head is, and now I've met someone who is actually MATURE, fairly problem-free and understand the concept of personal growth! Of course, this one has a different challenge in the distance (London to Chicago!), but hey, life would be boring if there weren't a FEW challenges along the way!

What a great question! I'm now all nostalgic! LOL

Gentle hugs,

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 7:13pm

Hi Chris


Thanks for chiming in. I am glad you liked the thread and you certainly are not daft.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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