A Love Letter from Her....
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| Thu, 05-17-2007 - 8:44am |
Since I really dont have anyone to talk to and you all have been so welcoming to me... I wanted to share a email that she sent me last night....
Sweetheart,
thought i would explain more of what i meant about not telling you things. I hit it on the head when i said me being selfish. I know you hate it when i keep stuff from you so i guess i will tell you. I hope my words dont upset you. If I could have stopped time when i was holding you at the hotel I never would have restarted it. There are a couple a times i wanted to cry but I refused to make our short time together sad. After so many years you would think that feelings would fade but i can honestly say that my heart hasnt changed I still love you. That goofy look u like to see thats me being in love, I wouldnt stop that feeling even if i could.The few times i saw you after we broke up my heart skipped a beat i was afraid to talk to you i was afraid you didnt feel the same becuz of how i was so rude. I want to tell you i love you everynight. I want to be the one who holds you while you sleep. I want to be nby your side, i always have. i can give in to the take care of you thing my ego has calmed down i know you are independant and such money wise i want to take careof you in other ways. be there when you need to talk. pick up your smile when you frown. sooth you when youre sad hold you if you cry. even be strong when you feel you cant be. right now i want to touch your face. I want to see that look the one that says i cant live without you. The past ten years i have longed to hold you and now that i have tasted that i want more. selfish i know. but that is what my heart says. I just got your text I teared up. you know i would give anything to have you here. I cant even put into words how i would feel. When i look at you i smile becuz you make me feel so special. when you look in my eyes its like a path straight to my heart. I cant help it. I love you so much. i want certain things that everyone else takes for granted. like going to the movies and holding your hand. not worrying about who sees. things are a lot different now than they were back when. just to sit down and plan a week of things to do and such... time alone, time to just sit and hold eachother and know we would do anything for eachother. there is so much more, but i'll stop for now. I am going to go for now I hope you write me back of you have time. I am so glad that I had the guts to come see you. I miss you sweetheart. I hope you know you r and always have been the "one" I love.
I love you
m
I guess by reading this you can see why I am in such turmoil. I have never ever had someone feel this way about me. How could I turn a life like that down. True love doesnt come often and that is what I beleive my ex and I had.
I guess I could say if I just had to worry about me and me only. I would be with her in a heartbeat. But now it is not this way. I have my husband and my son to worry about.
Sorry if I shared too much information.

You belong together.
You said you met hubby and fell for him because he reminded you of her.
Wow, browneyes, this is a tough one.
It is sad that the two of you cannot be together.
Do you love her the same as she loves you after all these years?
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Yes I do love her after all these years. I tried to get her out of my heart and my head, there were times when I would think about her and wonder how she was. When I wouldn't consciously think of her, I would dream about her and then I would wake up and be like, "where did that come from". I have always wanted her to be happy. She wants me to be happy to. She is not pushing me, just telling me how she honestly feels.
It's not that we can't be toghether... I would have to choose between my husband and her. I would also have to move back to my old hometown with my son. That is where the turmoil for me comes in. Pulling my son away from his father. This is where I need the therapist to come in and help me weigh my options. I know my life is what I make of it.
(((((((Brown_eyed_momma))))) Welcome to the board. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to welcome you yesterday.
I know exactly how you are feeling. Your old g/f's email reminded me of when Caly (my partner and co-CL here) and I first met. We went through some tough times, but we ended up together and are living our "happily ever after" now. I have two young daughters (9 and 5 years old), and it was hard changing their lives so much, but we got through it, and they are ok. I got divorced after 12 years of marriage (16 years total of being together).
I would echo what Caly said in her post to your other thread about claiming your happiness. Yes, you do have obligations to your DS, but you are not responsible for making your DH happy and/or fulfilled. That has to come from him. I know you don't want to hurt him, and I admire you for that, but you can't give up your own happiness for anyone else.
I highly, highly recommend therapy. If nothing else, it will give you a sounding board and support that you need right now.
Please keep us updated. We're so glad you're here!
Oh ((((Browneyes))),
that was an incredible love letter. I can feel your torment as you stand before the fork in the road. I hope you write her back with a little of how you feel, if you think you might be able to have a relationship with her when it is all said and done.
I know how you feel about family. I, too, have a dh. My children are out of the house now, and I think will be okay when I tell them. So will my family. Dh's family, however, are all about the appearances and this will extremely difficult. Moving back home will be traumatic for you. I think you posted that elsewhere. Are you assuming you will get custody or your dh will not want to keep your son with him? Your husband will be able to take care of himself and he will find his happiness, also.
I really think a therapist is the way to go, and as Ting said, you may not be happy with the first. I must say here, that I am feeling a sense of urgency from you. Does it seem that way to you? She has waited for ten years, she will wait longer for you as you make a path of your own. Take a deep breath and make one more little step, whatever that baby step is.
{{{{Major Hugs}}}}
Blue
Yes I have wrote her back with how I feel. I do feel like I am standing at a fork in the road. My issue is I dont know what way to go.
I know I will get custody of my son. Even if my DH is hurt, he would not take me son away from me. My son is my life and he knows that. He could try to fight me for custody, but it would be pointless. He just isnt that type of person. He is the type who will have his tail between his legs.
I am calling around today to try to find a therapist to talk out all these mixed emotions I am having. I think the sense of urgency is coming from I dont like feeling like this. I am the type of person who usually knows where she is going and how I am going to get there. Right now I am a ball of nerves and I do not know what my future holds. I guess you can say I am sort of a control freak. I usually know what I want and how to get it. Right now I am not sure what I want.
Yes she will wait until I have figured everything out for myself. She is a very caring and patient person, she understands what I am going through right now. I am trying to take deep breaths and take one step at a time and one day at a time. I am not going to rush into anything.
I know EXACTLY what you mean about not being in control. Even when I give up the control, it's controlled. lol
I think maybe you know which way to go, you just don't know how to take the first step and then keep walking 'cause the path is going to be rocky and really steep in some places. We all want to know that treading on the yellow brick road is really going to take us to Oz. At least that's what I want.
Hope your calling is going well.
Hugs
Blue
Hi again,
I know that if this is what you end up doing you will be taking your son some distance from his father, but it doesnt mean the relationship has to end.